A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

*[2015-01] Contract 015: Riverche - Recon, B-Class

Kashiro

Riverche walked alongside Celahir, her orders were to retrieve the recently appointed Battleteam Leader for the House Summit. Celahir continued to carry on, his jovial nature made even worse by her unintentionally revealing her fellow interest in technology. The walk seemed to be taking far longer then she would have expected.

“Have you seen seen the new enhancements offered by Palauka Cybernetics? They say the connection speeds offered are incredible!” The man continued to ramble up until the moment they reached the door to Uji’s office.

As the doors slid open, the two entered to find their Aedile sitting behind his stark desk, the office nearly barren of decoration. The only semblance of color to decorate the space was Uji’s constant companion, his fades stark red hair stood out alongside her smile as she nodded to the pair in greeting.

“About time you two arrived.” Uji looked up from his desk with a smirk touching the edges of his mouth.

“Aedile, was it really necessary to send me to collect him? I believe there are better used of my time then fetching people for you.” Riverche’s irritation prevalent in her tone.

“Actually Riverche, I require your presence as well.” Uji opened a drawer from his desk, collecting a datapad from within, he reached out handing it to the Miraluka.

“That’s all Riverche”

Contract Datapad

x://_Encrypted File
x://_Passcode accepted
x://_Fingerprint Authentic
x://_Identity Verified: Riverche
Missions Detail:

Riverche,

Reports have identified an organization that has recently become open to the public on Selen. This organization is operating as currently as a low-key security firm and working to actively secure contracts from S.C.E.P.T.E.R. The operation is known as Jovian Security, it is reported that they have been actively working to strike against S.C.E.P.T.E.R forces.

You are assigned to gather reconnaissance of the security company’s operation on Selen. Remain undetected for the time being, should your identity be revealed you must eliminate any witnesses. Should you discover any foul play by Jovian Security you are to report it immediately.

Good luck to you.

Regards, Uji Tameike, Aedile of Galeres

Riverche

The Next Evening:

Riverche patiently waited outside of the unfamiliar office thinking over the last past thirty hours. Was this the best course of action? Did she miss something? Will they accept her story or will they see through it? What if she does not get the position? What was her backup plan? Taking in a deep breath, she told herself, “Relax, you got this.”

Thirty hours ago, she had walked out of Uji’s office with no idea of how to accomplish the large task he had laid in front of her. She quickly created a fake identification, Kassandra Rain, to go by for this mission and started to research Jovian Security, a small upstart on Selen, located in the city of Naruba. One article calling for applications for apprentices in the company’s droid shop stood out in her mind and quickly deciding it was the key to getting into the company. It was a very small article dated a few days prior and she doubted anyone would even try for it, since it was for a new company. Riverche quickly applied for the position using Kassandra’s information.

While she was waiting for their reply, Riverche looked through adds on cheap, studio apartments in the area. A handful of the studios looked promising, but she did not want to commit to viewing them until she heard from Jovian. Just as she was about to give up and try a new approach, Jovian sent her a message saying they were interested in her and wanted to meet her right away. With the time and location of the meeting set, Riverche spent the rest of the day finding possible places to stay, packing her backpack and going over droid manuals.

“Kassandra?” a middle aged humanoid male asked exiting the office. “Sorry, I am running a little late. I had some unexpected business to attend. I am Azmael Edgeworth, the head of the droid shop.”

“It’s OK. I—”

“Did you find the place OK? The directions weren’t to vague?”

“Yes, the directions were fine.”

“Relax, I would like to do this interview in the droid room, if you don’t mind. Follow me.” he began to lead the way down a long corridor. About four or five steps into their travel, he turned to Kassandra, “Tell me a little more about yourself.?”

The two continued to chat as they walked down the corridor to the stairs that lead down to an open shop bay. On the left side, speeders and small vehicles rested in various stages of repair. On the far wall, a cage spanned the entire wall. Behind the cage, various weapons and armor waited to be checked out. On the right, tools and workbenches surrounded a small door. Azmael approached the door and swiped a badge on the nearby pad.

Stepping in the room, Kassandra could see tools, droids, parts and manuals thrown throughout the room with no floor left untouched from the mess. “Welcome to the droid room. It’s a little messy and that is how I prefer it. Now on to the interview. I have a few questions designed to test the extent of your knowledge and the first one is over here.” Pointing at a table, filled with droid parts, against the wall.

For the next couple of hours, Azmael lead Kassandra from one test to the next. More then once, she knew that she couldn’t identify the part or what it was for. Overall, she felt she did very good in the end. “Well,” Azmael began, “you know your Astromech’s and Protocol droids, which is good. However, we do need to work on your knowledge of combat droids.”

“Combat droids? We? What?”

“Welcome to Jovian. You start tomorrow in the morning. Here is your temporary card.” Azmael informed Kassandra, handing her a small card. “Report straight to this room do not wonder throughout the building. The bosses do not like people to be out of their stations.”

“Let me walk you out!”

The rest of the day, Kassandra spent at the bar in the small restaurant under the studio she was renting for the next two weeks. The elderly Selenian, Jude, who ran the place was more then eager to rent the upstairs room to her. Jude had told her that it would be nice to have another person around to help out and to talk with in the evenings . All of Jude’s kids has gone their own directions and her husband died a few years ago leaving her to run the place by herself. “So?”

Kassandra looked up from her datapad to see Jude standing on the other side of the counter. “What? Sorry, I–”

“So, did you get the position? How did the interview go?” The old lady inquired. “Don’t leave an old lady in suspense.”

A smile crossed Kassandra’s face as she answered Jude’s questions, “I got the job. The interview was a test of my skills, no awkward questions that you would expect in an interview. I start tomorrow morning.”

“Good! Good!” Jude’s eyes slowly focused on a group of four entering the restaurant. “Do you mind helping me out for a bit?”

“What do you need?”

Jude finished filling four glasses and sat four menus on a tray. “Take this to their table, please.”

Kassandra smiled grabbing the tray, “Sure.”

Before she even got to the table, Kassandra could tell the group of men were going to be very interesting. The topic of discussion started out with an excitement over their last job and quickly changed to what they wanted to do for the night. The men sat quietly as Kassandra placed a glass and a menu in front of each one. As the last glass was placed, one of them started to snicker as his neighborer jabbed him in the side.

A soft warm breath tickled the back of Kassandra’s neck. Without thinking, she spun around planting the tray smack on the nose of the last member of the group. Horrified that she just hit an invisible customer, Kassandra started to apologize, “I am so sorry. I didn’t–”

He held up a single hand to silence her rambling. “I know better then to sneak up on an armed combatant.” The four men seated at the table couldn’t contain their laughter any longer, distracting the late comer. “Enough!..”

Kassandra returned to the bar to get a drink and menu for the late member. She heard him continue to lecture the men “…I am your superior and you will show me respect both on and off the job. Do you understand?”

In unison they replied, “Yes, sir.”

A gloved hand touched Kassandra as she started to pick up the newly filled glass. “Hey, Jude! Five house specials.” He informed her over the counter.

“Coming right up.” Jude replied.

“The name is Caspian. And what am I to call you?” Laying the menus on the counter.

“Kassandra.”

Taking the glass out of her hand, “Kassandra, interesting name. You wouldn’t be the same Kassandra that just got hired as a droid apprentice?”

“I am!” Stepping away from the bar.

Griping her hand again a bit more tighter, “I want to know. Why did you say that you were a Human instead of a Miraluka? And why are you working in this restaurant?”

“Kassandra, food up!” Jude exclaimed from the kitchen.

“It is easier to explain a blind Human than a Miraluka to individuals who have not seen or heard of them. I am working here to pay off my down payment for the room I am renting. I need to get your order.”

“Yes, of course. We’ll talk more latter. Get back to work.”

Riverche

The Next day:

Around zero six hundred hours, Kassandra awoken to the sound of the door to her room slamming shut moments before the alarm on her datapad went off. She slowly surveyed the room to see if there was an intruder. No one came into view, but a shimmer seemed to move slowly from the door to the table where her bag laid. Then across the floor to the datapad and finally out the window.

Kassandra jumped out of bed and moved to the window. No one was on the street below and there was no way for the invisible man to get to the roof. Realizing what she had just concluded. She turned her attention to her bag and datapad. He had not touched her belongings. He was just surveying the room, not searching. Not wanting to take any chances that he might come back when she was not there, she decided to move her belongings to a safer location in the room.

As Kassandra started to walk down the stairs, she could hear Jude in the kitchen talking to a male customer. “Is there any thing else that I can help you with?”

“Not at the moment.” Azmael replied between bites of toast.

Placing a receipt beside his plate, Jude looked up to see Kassandra exit the stairs. “Morning, Kassandra.”

“Morning, Jude. Um, was there any one up stairs a few moments ago?”

“No, why?” Placing a small bag of food on the counter. “Your lunch.”

“I thought I heard something. It properly was nothing. Thank you.”

Kassandra grabbed the sack lunch off the counter and followed Azmael out of the restaurant. The two walked quietly down the block to Jovian’s headquarters. In the entrance of the building, Azmael broke the silence, “So, you are renting the upstair room at Jude’s?”

“Yep. Do you visit her a lot?” she replied sliding her card to gain entrance to the main part of the company.

“She is the only person I trust to make my lunch and besides I–” holding his take out up for emphasis.

“Kassandra, Can you come here for a moment? I would like you to meet someone!” Caspian interrupted from the entrance of one of the offices.

“See you in latter.”

“See you.” Kassandra replied turning in the direction of Caspian’s voice. “On my way.”

Raising a finger for silence, Caspian opened the office door open for her to enter. On the far side of the modest office, a Zabrak talking to a holograph of a Rodian. As Kassandra entered, the Rodian said “…The first phase was successful. Do you want us to continue onto phase two?”

“Yes, continue to put pressure on them until they are wiped out or surrender. Report back when phase two is complete.” With a swipe of the Zabrak’s hand the holographic Rodian faded from view. Standing to greet the intruders, “You must be Kassandra. I am Luscious. Welcome.”

“Thank you, sir.” Shaking his outstretched hand, “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

A smile crossed his face, “I am the president of Jovian and I expect timely and accurate work from all my employees. They are to show respect to each other at all times. Are you able to comply?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good, I have two droids waiting in the shop. They were attacked this morning and I want, no need, them to be back in service as soon as possible. Their memories should also be wiped. This datapad has the details. Notify Caspian when the job is done.”

Kassandra received a datapad from Luscious. “Yes, sir.”

In the droid shop, Azmael was already looking over the two new battle droids when Kassandra walked in. From first glance, they looked more like scrap metal used as target practice than as battle droids. “I do not know if we will be able to fix them. What did Luscious want?”

Continuing to examine the droids, “He wants them fixed and their memories wiped.”

“Better get to work!” He handed her a few tools and a manual on the droid she was to evaluate.

The rest of the morning and into the evening, they tore apart both droids making a list of parts that would be needed to fix them. After they were both torn apart, Azmael instructed Kassandra to erase the memories while he reported to Luscious and Caspian.

Seeing this as the only opportunity she would have alone with the droids, Kassandra quickly saved their memories to her personal datapad before hooking them up for a memory wipe. After both droids were hooked up, she started to run test on the their electronics for hidden failures that may occur.

From the doorway, Caspian asked “What did you find?”

“Most of the electronics can be reused and the memory cores are still intact. The shell and the shields will have to be replaced. Here is a list of parts.” Handing him a part list.

“Good, I will talk this over with Luscious and Azmael. Take the rest of the day off. See you tomorrow.”

“Yes, thank you, sir.”

Back at Jude’s, Kassandra started to review the last memory of one of the droids. The scene was not an attack on the droid owners. It was the droids attack a very familiar location of S.C.E.P.T.E.R. Unable to watch the full memory, she turned it off before she noticed who was at the location. Checking incoming communications for the first time while on this mission, she noticed numerous distress and urgent messages starting from 0600 that morning.

She had failed her mission and now her friends needed her home. Ran through her mind as she gathered her belongings and the scarce evidence that she was able to gather on Jovian. Fearing that she may be to late, she set out to investigate the source of the closest signal.

RowenaMagnuri

Grade: Satisfactory (+2)
Point Modifier: B-Class =x1.00

Overall Score: 2


Overall, this is a decent story and I can see definite promise in your writing. In future, I would highly suggest a proofreader or two before you post to avoid the small issues you seem to make. With proofreading and less repeated errors, I could see you scoring an Excellent. As such, this fiction has been graded as a solid Satisfactory. I look forward to see how you improve in your future writing endeavors.

While she was waiting for their reply, Riverche looked through adds on cheap, studio apartments in the area.

*ads - Or just write out ‘advertisements’

With the time and location of the meeting set, Riverche spent the rest of the day finding possible places to stay, packing her backpack and going over droid manuals.

“Kassandra?” a middle aged humanoid male asked exiting the office. “Sorry, I am running a little late. I had some unexpected business to attend. I am Azmael Edgeworth, the head of the droid shop.”

Where’s the separation of locations? I was entirely confused and it took a few minutes for me to realize that this was the beginning of an entirely different scene. Stuff like this will distract your reader/audience. Just something to keep in mind.

“It’s OK. I—”

In future, write out the word ‘okay’, or use ‘alright’.

“Tell me a little more about yourself.?”

Did you mean to have a period or a question mark here? There’s no reason to have both.

More then once, she knew that she couldn’t identify the part or what it was for. Overall, she felt she did very good in the end.

*than

Secondly, this is a case where you would hear Wally say ‘Show, don’t tell’. The more detailed a part of any given scene is, the better the outcome. For example: How does Riverche ‘see’ what part she is handling? Does she feel the object and create a mental picture? As a Miraluka, a droid part would have no visible ‘life’ or aura.

In future, I would highly suggest using a variety of pronouns. You seem to write ‘she’ quite often. Here’s an example of alternate pronouns you could use: She / Riverche / The Seeker/Miraluka/Gray Jedi/Krath.

“Report straight to this room do not wonder throughout the building. The bosses do not like people to be out of their stations.”

The first sentence could use either a dash or a semicolon to make the sentence properly written. Secondly, it would be ‘wander’.

Kassandra looked up from her datapad to see Jude standing on the other side of the counter. “What? Sorry, I–”

This is where detail would help… She’s a Miraluka - Riverche can’t read a datapad. Is there some form of raised script (SW Braille?) so she could ‘read’?

Horrified that she just hit an invisible customer, Kassandra started to apologize, “I am so sorry. I didn’t–”

What? Why would the customer be invisible?

“Enough!..”

Kassandra returned to the bar to get a drink and menu for the late member. She heard him continue to lecture the men “…I am your superior and you will show me respect both on and off the job. Do you understand?”

Why are there ellipses behind an exclamation point? They’re unnecessary and grammatically incorrect. To make this flow better, you could have written it this way:

*“Enough!” Kassandra returned to the bar to get a drink and a menu for the late arrival. The disguised Miraluka listened closely as the customer she had accidentally struck continued to lecture the others. “… I am your superior and you will show me respect, both on and off the job. Understand?"

A gloved hand touched Kassandra as she started to pick up the newly filled glass. “Hey, Jude! Five house specials.” He informed her over the counter.

“Coming right up.” Jude replied.

“The name is Caspian. And what am I to call you?” Laying the menus on the counter.

“Kassandra.”

… What? What just happened? It took me several attempts to read this before I understood what actually happened in this part of the scene. That is majorly distracting to the reader and interrupts the overall flow of your story.

“I am!” Stepping away from the bar.

Tense confusion. This almost reads like roleplay, rather than a fiction.

Griping her hand again a bit more tighter-

Gripping, as in grabbing her hand, has two ‘p’s. The misspelled word makes it confusing, as ‘griping’ is voicing a complaint.

Griping her hand again a bit more tighter, “I want to know. Why did you say that you were a Human instead of a Miraluka? And why are you working in this restaurant?”

“Kassandra, food up!” Jude exclaimed from the kitchen.

“It is easier to explain a blind Human than a Miraluka to individuals who have not seen or heard of them. I am working here to pay off my down payment for the room I am renting. I need to get your order.”

This isn’t realistically possible, as Miraluka don’t have eyes. Had I not read the physical description on your character sheet (most people don’t), I would be very confused by this. Hardcore fans of Star Wars would stop reading right here to rant about the topic. Moving along.

Around zero six hundred hours, Kassandra awoken to the sound of the door to her room slamming shut moments before the alarm on her datapad went off. She slowly surveyed the room to see if there was an intruder. No one came into view, but a shimmer seemed to move slowly from the door to the table where her bag laid. Then across the floor to the datapad and finally out the window.

Why is the time written out here when you use the numbers ‘0600’ at the end of your contract? Keep continuity in mind.

‘Awoken’ is not in the right tense to the rest of the sentence. Saying ‘Kassandra awoke’ would have been more correct.

Kassandra jumped out of bed and moved to the window. No one was on the street below and there was no way for the invisible man to get to the roof. Realizing what she had just concluded. She turned her attention to her bag and datapad. He had not touched her belongings. He was just surveying the room, not searching. Not wanting to take any chances that he might come back when she was not there, she decided to move her belongings to a safer location in the room.

This entire paragraph has no flow whatsoever with the rest of the story and seems to shift between fragmented sentences. It could have been phrased better to improve the overall flow.

“Not at the moment.” Azmael replied between bites of toast.

This would be better with a comma, rather than a period to improve the flow from dialogue to the text of the story.

“I thought I heard something. It properly was nothing. Thank you.”

*probably

Fearing that she may be to late, she set out to investigate the source of the closest signal.

*too