Grade: Needs Work (+1)
Point Modifier: B-Class =x1.00
Overall Score: 1
I will say, for starters, that this fiction is entirely too short to get a good feel for your writing. At first glance, however, I can tell you that you would ultimately benefit from a proofreader or two. Your writing does show promise and I can tell that you put some thought into it. Due to the numerous errors and the lack of overall length to get a good feel for your writing, you score a Needs Work (+1). Continue reading to see the errors I speak of
Lucyeth looked out at the setting sun over the city on a pristine balcony of a tall building that rose into the atmosphere. It was complimentary of someone with such power that Lucyeth enjoyed frequently.
Whilst this is a decent start to set the scene, there are a few issues I would like to point out. Firstly, I want to point out that these sentences have almost no punctuation, which really interrupts the flow of the story itself–in this case, commas are your friend.
Secondly, you repeatedly use the character’s name rather than using differing pronouns to identify the character. Examples for future reference: Lucyeth, The Human, The Sith/Sith Warrior, The Sorcerer, The Equite.
My biggest issue with the way you started this fiction: You started it in the middle of the mission, giving no detail on how your character infiltrated the organization itself. Details like these almost guarantee a higher score and help with the length issue I mentioned before.
“Very true my friend however, we need to be careful as the emperor’s inquisitors have been taking more of an interest in the board of directors and the judicials would not hesitate to squash trade,” Gen said with a slam of his clenched fist on the balcony railing. Lucyeth thought about it but didn’t have any words to Jorgen’s statement.
What ‘Emperor’ are you referring to here? Identifying pronouns such as these should always be capitalized–you should also give some back story, as your audience has no idea who you’re referring to here.
As his second in command, Lucyeth tends to be the one out in the open for the trading activities. The palatinaean sighed in frustration as he gazed at the clock. The client was late which was never a good sign. With fifteen minutes past Lucyeth was about to leave when the masked man came out of the shadows. Lucyeth was quick to hand over a data card for munitions storage site while the mystery man simultaneously handed over an account number for his vault where the goods were kept. They parted their way as soon as it started with no one to watch that they were aware of.
How did Lucyeth become the Second-In-Command? That’s not realistic in the least, as gaining a position like that in a banking syndicate would take many years to attain. Also, there’s the fact that you caused tense confusion by switching from past to present tense frequently.
Palatinaean should be capitalized, as it’s an identifying pronoun.
This paragraph is full of sentence fragments and the flow is very choppy.
A bunch of credits to trade for spice that can be sold in the outer rim for outrageous amounts enough to buy a star system.
Outer Rim should be capitalized.
Lucyeth furrowed his brow and rubbed the sweat that began to permeate out of his forehead.
Permeate is the wrong word here. Check your definitions in future.
“ That means they are able to track everything they do,” yelled Lucyeth with the fear already coming out of his expression.
Very poor acting. Why does your character go from calm, to nervous, then to terrified in a matter of seconds?
Jorgen and his trading empire were toppled and his consequences would be dealt with and Lucyeth had no remorse. No regrets of what he did and his betrayal would not be known regardless so he wouldn’t even bother to look back.
I have no idea how you gave this the odd coding it had - try to avoid that in the future.
I highly suggest a proofreader or two in your next contract attempt. Listen to their suggestions and add the details that this is lacking. I look forward to seeing how you improve with future contracts.