A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

[2015-01] Contract 019: Aaleeshah - Assassination, C-Class

CorvusCorax

The Tipsy Tusken, Seher
New Tython

”Aaleeshah,” the voice chimed inside the Togruta’s head. She looked around, her purple eyes scanning every surface in the cantina as they searched for the Jedi who had contacted her.

”Where are you?” she sent back.

”Hidden.” It was now clear that it was her Aedile, Seridan, contacting her. Telepathy was a somewhat strange thing. Telepathic voices were slightly different to physical ones - each was unique to their person, and it took a time to figure out who was who. The Miraluka continued, ”I have a mission for you, which may appeal to your… specific set of skills. From one ex-vigilante to another, I know it can be difficult to stop those habits entirely. How about it?”

The Assassin stifled a grin. Almost immediately, the desire within pleaded her to accept. It had been so long since her last shadow-hunt. The most appealing thing was that this time, she was being asked to do it. Completely legitimately. It didn’t take long for her to decide.

”I’ll do it.”

”Excellent. The datapad in front of you contains all of the necessary information. Now go and read it somewhere private.”

She looked down at her table. A matte black datapad lay there, when it had been empty moments before.

–*”I still have a few tricks up my sleeve, eh? Telekinesis for the win!” Seridan’s chuckling was almost audible in the din.

Aaleeshah chugged down the dregs of her drink, before picking up the datapad. She had a mission to do.

x://_Encrypted File
x://_Passcode accepted
x://_Fingerprint Authentic
x://_Identity Verified: Aaleeshah

Missions Detail:

Knight Aaleeshah,

In the north-eastern regions of the Owyhyee continent, there is a local Harakoan warlord whose power and control has spiked. The region is home to many tribes who are yet to sign the Treaty, and as such, are open to attack each other as they please. Usually, we only worry about these tribes when they near Treaty land, however this warlord has very strong negative opinions of the Jedi, and believes us to be hypocritical, lying and power-hungry. He also despises the colonists and to some extent, the Seherob, for housing us. Your job is to assassinate the warlord, whom we know only as ‘The Citizen’. Whether to strike stealthily, or to kill brutally, is left to your judgement. Your overall aim should be to quell these Harakoans’ hate of us. Be mindful, the Jedi see assassination as a necessary evil at times, though one should be careful not to… overindulge.

Good Hunting, Aaleeshah.

Regards,
-Seridan Brehevik
Authorized Signature(s)
-Voice Of The Dark Jedi Brotherhood-
-Grand Master of the Dark Jedi Brotherhood-

Parameters:
Assassinate the local warlord known simply as ‘The Citizen’. The method in which you do this is left to you. He may have a few guards, but they are armed with spears, bows, and an occasional blaster. You should face minimal threat to yourself.

Aaleeshah

The Tipsy Tusken, Seher
New Tython

Twirling her slender, blue fingers through the warm, smoked filled air of the cantina, Aaleeshah motioned listlessly to a waitress for a refill. As she waited for her drink, she slid the cold, matte datapad into her cloth bag that hung carelessly on her wooden chair. Apathetically, she propelled herself from her seat to standing on her bare feet. She pulled the cloth bag from its resting place and onto her shoulder as she turned and walked to one of the backrooms of the cantina. As she entered the dimly lit room, she reached out in the force searching for a presence, but the only thing she felt was a void. She took the datapad from the cloth bag and turned it on. Her deep purple eyes scanned the brightly lit screen, absorbing the information on her new prey.

“Hmm, ‘The Citizen’ eh? I’ve heard of this guy. He’s sort of a headache for the Council but I can’t imagine they would put out an assassination for him. I guess he became too noisy to the wrong person. Time to silence him.”

Her small but plump blue lips twisted into a wicked smirk as she powered off the datapad, extinguishing the strongest light source in the room, and placing it back in her cloth bag. Spinning around on her heels towards the door of the room, she exited the room and then the cantina through one of the back exits. The sounds of the Bay of Seher filled the air, providing an odd but soothing melody for her as she made her way to the Jedi compound. Once there, she procured a speeder bike from its hangar. She climbed onto the speeder, the ends of her silk robes hanging freely over the sides, and started it. It hummed softly and then roared fiercely as she cranked the gas, jetting off from the hangar into the jungle. She cut a path through the thick jungle to ‘The Citizen’s’ enclosure stopping at the edge that still touched the lush jungle. It was a small camp made up of a cluster of tents made of wooden sticks and canvas some appearing to be 20 feet in diameter. The largest tent, being 30 feet in diameter was in the center of the encampment. A few Harokoan soldiers, some armed with crudely fashioned spears and others with simple bows and arrows, littered the area with the main force around the tent in the center of the compound.

Hmm that must be where ‘The Citizen’ is?

Cloaked in the shadows, she analyzed the layout of the camp and the movement of the soldiers as they scurried about. The tribal archers held the perimeter while the spearmen guarded the interior with a half dozen surrounding the center tent.

This will be child’s play.

Gracefully she leapt from the jungle brush to the tent closest to her, taking cover in the shadows that it casted. Sensing a guard on the other side, she slowly and delicately stepped around the tent, her movements opposing the guard’s. It was a waltz of shadows that she danced with the spearmen effortlessly and flawlessly, each stepping taking her closer to the center tent. She paused for a second at a neighboring tent to cloak herself with the force and then with great speed and agility she sprinted by the 2 guards in the front undetected, discreetly slipping into the tent with her back to the canvas wall of the tent, clinging to the shadows still. Inside the tent there is Harokoan male about 3 feet tall sitting on the ground in the center facing away from entrance. He looked about 40 years old with a lean but muscular build. His deep cerulean skin was decorated with a few scars from past fights. Long dark grey hair twisted into a single braid fell over his left shoulder leaving part of his neck and all of his back exposed. He sat hunched over a fire. The dirt floor was adorned with different tribal rugs and other items. The Togruta sat there for a moment wrapped in the shadows studying her prey.
He didn’t seem like a bad person. In fact he didn’t even seem like a warlord but a simple chief, something she had seen many times from her time in Seher.

He’s probably doing what he thinks is best for his people but it matters not, she thought as she shook her head gently her montrals dangling softly from her shoulders.

Her job was clear. Reaching into her cloth bag her dainty blue fingers gingerly searched for one of the poison tipped darts that she carried with her. Deliberately plucking it from the bag she drew it up to her left ear and then released it skillfully in a throw towards the Harokoan. The dart made contact with the back of his neck, planting the tip deep into his skin. His spine straightened and stiffened for a moment before his body went limp and collapsed over to the right side. Creeping out from the shadows, she swiftly retrieved her dart. Once retrieved she cloaked herself once more with the force and left the tent. Dancing in the shadows one last time, she escaped the camp and reunited with her speeder. Racing through the jungle on the speeder she made her way back to the compound, bringing the speeder back to the hangar. This assassination didn’t sit as well with her as she previously thought it would. She felt somewhat bad for what she had done but what’s done is done. In her line of work, she learned it’s best not to dwell on such things. Exiting the hangar, she traveled down to the bay of seher back to the tipsy tusken. Entering the cantina, she was greeted with loud festive music mixed with random conversation. Aaleeshah strolled to the bar in the center of the cantina. She nodded her head slightly to signal the bartender. The bartender nodded back to acknowledge her before walking over to her, leaning over the counter towards her.

“The usual?”, he asked.

She nodded. He nodded once before turning back towards the bar. He grabbed a bronze mug and prepared her normal drink. Grabbing the mug, he picked it up and walked back over to her placing the mug on the counter in front of her. She flashed a smile to the bartender as gratitude for the drink. Wrapping her blue fingers around the bronze mug, she lifted her drink taking it to her normal table in the back corner of the cantina. Planting herself in the wooden chair, she sat hovering over her drink, her thoughts being her only companion.

RowenaMagnuri

Grade: Satisfactory (+2)
Point Modifier: C-Class =x0.75

Overall Score: 1.5


All said, this is a very good first attempt in the ACB. I can see some definite potential in your writing. In future, I would suggest a proofreader or two to make sure that small errors get noticed. The grade for this is a Satisfactory. For the details of your contract that could use improvement, read below.

As she waited for her drink, she slid the cold, matte datapad into her cloth bag that hung carelessly on her wooden chair. Apathetically, she propelled herself from her seat to standing on her bare feet. She pulled the cloth bag from its resting place and onto her shoulder as she turned and walked to one of the backrooms of the cantina. As she entered the dimly lit room, she reached out in the force searching for a presence, but the only thing she felt was a void. She took the datapad from the cloth bag and turned it on. Her deep purple eyes scanned the brightly lit screen, absorbing the information on her new prey.

After using your character’s name once, you repeatedly switch between she/her. Try to use more pronouns. Examples of pronouns you can use: Aaleeshah, The Tugruta, the Odanite, the Knight, the Shadow, etc.

“Hmm, ‘The Citizen’ eh? I’ve heard of this guy. He’s sort of a headache for the Council but I can’t imagine they would put out an assassination for him. I guess he became too noisy to the wrong person. Time to silence him.”

Saying ‘-I can’t imagine they would put out an assassination for him’ doesn’t make sense. Perhaps: “-I can’t imagine that they would put a hit on him.”

Also… do you mean nosy or noisy?

Her small but plump blue lips twisted into a wicked smirk as she powered off the datapad, extinguishing the strongest light source in the room, and placing it back in her cloth bag.

Tense confusion.

Spinning around on her heels towards the door of the room, she exited the room and then the cantina through one of the back exits.

She’s in a cantina. Couldn’t you describe the location better than simply stating ‘the room’ over and over again? Repeated use of the same word to describe things distracts the reader from the overall story.

She cut a path through the thick jungle to ‘The Citizen’s’ enclosure stopping at the edge that still touched the lush jungle.

This is a Run-On sentence. To fix this, add a comma after the word ‘enclosure’.

Hmm that must be where ‘The Citizen’ is?

I can tell that this is an internal thought. In future, I’d suggest using coding to italicize this (an asterisk (*) on either side). Secondly, this would end with a period rather than a question mark.

Creeping out from the shadows, she swiftly retrieved her dart. Once retrieved she cloaked herself once more with the force and left the tent.

When referring to the mystical fields of energies that some of our characters use, Force should be capitalized.

“The usual?”, he asked.

The added comma after the end quote is unneeded. Though, ‘he’ should be capitalized in this case.