I’ve been tasked to help out with the ACB contract grading since we’re a bit behind.
First off, it’s interesting to see a contract I created and see someone take it for a spin; I’m always surprised by the result. When I wrote this, I had expected you’d be on planet already and run the security team as the prisoner was escorted to the shuttle, but I really liked your spin on it, and you’ve got the making of some good storytelling, so I hope you take the following comments as constructive criticism that will serve you in your future creative writing endeavors.
A lot of your syntax issues could have been prevented by some proofreading. I didn’t highlight all the issues, but they were pretty much the same mistakes repeated throughout.
“I know you wouldn’t allow that[,] Jedi[.] I am [Sith] and I would rather die than surrender,” snarled the Palatinaean with clear irritation.
… to shock him into submission [if] need be.
He could feel the [Force] within him and he was quite powerful in the light side. He felt like a bright glow of the [Force]; [there was] no doubt[,] but Lucyeth didn’t like it at all.
“We will leave immediately[.] I have a short window to make [it] through [anyway],” replied Lucyeth.
Lucyeth could [have] put him in the hold…
… there was no way he could sufficiently [outrun] the enemy.
“Sir[,] we will cover your approach to give you the time you need[.] [Now] go,” replied the [TIE] pilot.
I didn’t really see any Realism issues in your story other than you having TIE fighters firing back at CorSec in Cornet’s orbit. I thought it was amusing though. One thing I do want to underline, however, is that you tend to miss a lot of descriptive opportunities. One key indication of this is the use of simple sentences throughout your story:
Lucyeth’s small vessel appeared out of hyperspace into the sector without issues.
The planet of Coronet loomed before him and continued to rapidly increase in size as it filled the viewport.
The shuttle took the approach with ease to the outskirts of the planet.
It was not his own ship but the shuttle will have to do.
Using simple sentences should be done sparingly. They work well when we want to emphasize something, but they tend to make the text one sided / monotonous.
One way to improve on this is to expand the ideas behind those sentences in order to make the story more rich and detailed. People have five (5) senses that you can exploit, and the visual is only one part of it. There are also smells, tastes, sounds, and tactile sensations that could also be invoked for your readers: like how the decks hum and the controls vibrate in your hands as you wrestle with the controls upon re-entry. The alarms that go off, and the lights, the smell of the propulsion systems going online as it mechanic’s grease is warmed up by the so far dormant machinery as it wakes up to compensate for your efforts in maneuvering the vessel through the atmospheric turbulence, etc.
You could have translated the whole atmospheric entry from “mere moments” to a much more nail biting experience, if you see what I mean. So don’t rush through descriptions. Take your time and show us what you’re seeing in your head when you say “Coronet loomed” in front of you.
Here’s an example where you did much better:
Lucyeth did a scan of the ship as a Corsec affiliation. He pulled the yoke hard to the right to evade the stream of plasma that came his way. It rocked the hull slightly but the rear deflectors were able to take care of it. The opposing pilot was fracking good and Lucyeth could feel the sweat crease on his forehead. There was no way he would be able to out maneuver such an experienced pilot in the shuttle. Lucyeth tapped into the force but couldn’t feel a presence in the ship. It was a skilled pilot but not a Jedi. The Palatinaean slammed hard on the yoke again to barrel down. He broke atmosphere and was so close to the cruiser that he was supposed to link up with. He tore his ship hard to the right and cursed under his breath as the lights flashed in the cabin. He did his best but the right wing was hit and there was no way he could sufficiently out run the enemy. It was a good run but Lucyeth had no intention to out like this. Before his anger took over, a pair of ties screamed past him in attack vector. He was relieved to see a scouting mission out which meant that the cruiser was near. There was still time to outlive the scenario.
Your writing here was better because there are more details to catch your readers’ attention.
Summary: I just want to drive home that whenever you’re tempted to write: “moments went by” you’re missing an opportunity.
You did have some interesting moments with your story, even if you had TIE fighters looming over Coronet and shooting back at the CorSec! The Emperor’s Communications Branch will have a field day with the PR nightmare you gave them…!
I really think you had the semblance of a good “draft” story that could have been fleshed out more fully, and I would have given you an easy “Acceptable” score given the potential. However, the fact that you didn’t really proofread your story made me debate whether or not to give you a “Needs Work!” >.>
Final Grade: Satisfactory (+2)!