A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

[2015-01] Contract 042: Aiden Lee - Piloting, B-Class

RowenaMagnuri

Spanky’s Tavern,
Karufr, Kr’Tal System

Aiden Lee was enjoying a drink in a booth in a corner of the tavern. The soothing atmosphere was entirely different from the usual enthusiastic partying. His green eyes lifted from the drink at the sight of a waitress approaching.

The Acolyte frowned as she placed a new drink before him. “I didn’t order an-”

“No, sir. This drink is compliments of the man at the bar. He also asked that I pass this along,” the waitress explained, laying down a familiar datapad.

“Which gentleman do you speak of?” Lee asked, glancing over at the bar. He recognized the sigil on the device itself as that of the Antei Contract Bureau.

“He’s sitting right… er… He must’ve left. Sorry. Enjoy your drink.”


x://_Encrypted File
x://_Biometrics Confirmed
x://_Identity Verified: Aiden Lee

Missions Details:

Acolyte Lee,

You have been chosen to perform a task set out by the Antei Contract Bureau. Recent information has indicated a military installation under construction within the confines of your Clan’s Dominion, though very little is known as to the exact location. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to scout the location and deliver intelligence on as many details as you are able to discern.

Good luck.

Regards,
-Celevon Edraven
Commissioner, Antei Contract Bureau
Authorized Signature(s)
-Voice Of The Dark Jedi Brotherhood-
-Grand Master of the Dark Jedi Brotherhood-

Parameters:
Scout for details on the military installation being constructed within your Clan’s dominion. All reports indicate that you shouldn’t encounter any dangers, but you should be wary. Keep an eye on your radar, as there have been reports of pirates and scavengers traveling through that area.

Rhylance

Aiden stood up from his seat and moved to leave the establishment. After a few steps his stopped, and turned around, his eyes fixated on the drink he left on the table.

“Well, might as well.” He said to himself, shrugging his shoulders. He walked back to the table downed the drink, and left a small tip for the waitress before leaving.

……

Aiden sat in his room looking at the nearby monitor. After receiving his contract he was working on figuring out which planet in Taldryan’s Dominion he would need to search. After reviewing the contract more thoroughly, Aiden was able to decipher a set of hidden coordinates inside of the message. He typed them into his nearby computer terminal, and was waiting for the coordinates to find a match.

While waiting, Aiden walked over to a pad on the ground and sat down. He sat down and closed his eyes. Meditation had become a regular occurrence for Aiden, as it gave him a deeper feeling of connectivity to the Force. Aiden cleared his mind as the Force surged throughout his body, vibrating through his cells. An image began to appear in his mind. He could see a frozen tundra below him as he moved through the sky, and he could feel the bitter cold of the air around him. One word, began to recite in his head, “Tureen”. Again and again, the word grew louder in his head, until a flash of light broke Aiden of his concentration.

Aiden opened his eyes to the sound of his terminal beeping. The search had found a match. He stood up and walked to the monitor and a planet was being displayed. It was the final, and only inhabitable planet of the Rybanloth System. An ice planet, with a small Taldryan settlement.

“Kalus? Well I better put on a jacket, or better yet maybe three.”

……

Aiden took a Shadow Squadron Tie-Interceptor from the Karufr hanger bay and flew towards a nearby booster that when connected to his ship would allow him to travel at lightspeed. Typing in his coordinates in his ships navigational computer, Aiden waited patiently for his voyage to depart. Feeling the ship begin to vibrate as it prepared for lightspeed was a soothing experience for the pilot. He watched in awe as the light from the stars seemed to bend and blur as the Interceptor barreled through space at lightspeed.

Knowing that the trip would take a while, Aiden determined that it would be best if he took some time to rest. So after checking over all of his systems, he closed his eyes to rest.

A few hours later a loud siren awoke him from his slumber. The Tie-Interceptor was coming out of lightspeed, and in front of him was a small collection of asteroids flying by the frozen plant.

“Really, asteroids just happened to be here?”
Awakened from his stupor, Aiden grabbed the controls and flew the ship up and over the first asteroid. Another two were closing in together in front of him. Turning the controls to the right, Aiden turned the ship onto its side, barely fitting through the colliding asteroids. He finished maneuvering through the asteroids he began his descent towards the Taldryan settlement on Kalus.

When he was about to enter the atmosphere, a voice came over Aiden’s communication devices.

“State your name, and reason for approach.”

“I am Aiden Lee, Hunter of clan Taldryan, and I am here under order to search for a possible enemy settlement on this planet.” Aiden said as he linked he computer to that of the planets security center, verifying his identity.

“Well today is your lucky day, Hunter. The weather conditions are clear enough that you can fly. Begin your descent in a timely fashion.”

“Thank you for your cooperation.”

Aiden flew towards the Kalus Taldryan Spaceport, and passed through their shields. He landed the Tie-Interceptor and exited the cockpit. Outside there was a man in uniform waiting for him.

“I am Dargo Teek, a Lieutenant of Clan Taldryan’s naval division. General Waford would like a word with you.”

“Lead on Lieutenant.”

The first thing Aiden noticed was that, even in the Spaceport, it was quite cold.

“Three jackets, good idea.” He said to himself.

Dargo led him into a large room with a uniformed man sitting in a chair. He wore an officer’s hat, and had a scar on the left side of his face.

“Hunter, I am General Katal Waford. Welcome to Kalus. Is it everything you imagined it would be?”

“Thank you General, and yes it is exactly the frozen death rock that I imagined.”

Waford chuckled slightly, to Dargo’s surprise.

“I know why it is you are here. I hope that you will be prompt with your assignment. I was not happy to hear that someone may have slipped past my defenses. I tis a matter I am personally invested in.”

“I assure you that promptness is of great importance to me. The sooner I get off the ice ball of a planet, the sooner I feel the warmth of the sun on my face again.” Aiden said with a smirk. “I assume I’ll be riding one of your Tauntauns?”

“Not you will be piloting our new Snowspeeder. It has a sleeker design, and a new camouflage tool that will assist in your scouting.”

Aiden was happy to know he wouldn’t be slicing open any Tauntauns for heat.

“Then I will leave at once.

Aiden bowed to the General before departing for the Hanger. When he arrive he was led to his Snowspeeder. It resembled the ones that the old rebellion had used on the Hoth System, though the colors more so match up with Clan Taldryan, and it had gone through several revisions. An engineer approached the ship as he climbed aboard.

“Hunter Aiden Lee, I am to inform you that there is a switch that activates an energy mirror camouflage. It reflects the area around it to make the ship seem to disappear. Use caution though, there is only enough charge for around five hours of use.”

“Thank you Engineer. I will indeed be careful.”

“Hunter Lee!”

Aiden looked over to see Lieutenant Teek approaching him.

“Shall I have something for you when you return?”

“Surprise me.”

With that Aiden took off, flying the Snowspeeder out of the hanger bay. He flew for around an hour sticking to the equatorial line of the planet, as it was the only survivable area. Not wanting to be detected b anything, Aiden hit the switch and his Snowspeeder began to blend in with the surrounding are.

“Camouflage power at one hundred percent.” Voice blared in the cockpit.

“Thanks for the update.” Aiden said, rolling his eyes.

He continue flying for around four and a half hours at a steady pace, and found no signs of life.

“Maybe the intel was bad.” He said to himself.

“Camouflage power at seven percent.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.”

Intending on turning around, Aiden paused as he saw something in the distance. He landed the Snowspeeder, and after covering his whole body with thermal clothing existed the cockpit. He took a few steps forward and brought out a set of binocular visors. Peering through them he saw the settlement. It wasn’t large, but he could make out a flag with an insignia. It was a circle, with a downward facing sword through the middle. Dragon like reptiles coiled around the sides of the circle facing each other and a gleaming star shown off the blade.

“Clan Scholae Palatinae, you are a long way from home aren’t you?” Aiden asked as he recorded what he was seeing. Ships could be seen flying around the settlement.

Aiden contacted the Taldryan Spaceport.

“Hello this is Lieutenant Teek.”

“Dargo Teek, please transfer me to the General. This is Hunter Aiden Lee.”

“As you wish, sir.”

Aiden waited as the call was transferred, and he though he saw the ships acting a bit strangely in the settlement.

“This is General Waford, what do you have to report Hunter.”

“There is indeed a settlement a few hundred miles from the Taldryan Spaceport. I have a detailed map being sent to your computer terminals to let you know exact routes, and coordinates to get here.”

“Good work Hunter, is there anything else?”

“Yes, the settlement belongs to Clan Scholae Palatinae.”

“The CSP have invaded Taldryan space? That is most unlike them. Well, good work Hunter. Job well done.”

“Thank you Gener……wait?”

Aiden paused as he made sure that what he seeing was accurate. Another banner could be seen hanging as well. The banner had a downward facing crescent moon and two spiked archers above it.

“I believe clan Arcona is with them.”

“That is not good. Get back here at once Hunter.”

“Probably a good idea, I think they saw me.”

Aiden turned and ran towards his ship. Once aboard he took off heading in the opposite direction. Aiden reached over and reactivated the camouflage.

“Camouflage at two percent.”

“Of course it is.” Aiden said to himself.

He continued flying at top speeds trying to put as much distance as possible between himself and the settlement.

“Camouflage at one percent.”

“Shut up you blasted computer!”

Aiden could see a blinking red light above him, and he began to sweat as he flew.

“Camouflage at zero percent, camouflage failing.”

“Damn you!” Aiden shouted as his ship could now be seen. He just hoped that he put enough space between himself and the enemy ship.

“Incoming missiles.” The ships computer blared.

Aiden could see a frozen tundra below him as he moved through the sky, and he could feel the bitter cold of the air around him.

“Wait a minute.”

“Hunter Lee come in. We have a squadron coming to assist you. /they are led by Captain Tureen.”

“Tureen? Wasn’t that?”

“Missile approaching.”

Aiden hit a button near him and he was ejected from the cockpit into the sky as the ship burst into fire and light. As he fell he manipulated the Force and landed on the enemy’s ship. Aiden pulled out his lightsaber and stabbed the hull, destroying the ships engines and let go. As the enemy ship exploded Aiden fell. Everything went black.

…….

Aiden awoke alone in a bed. He could feel from the cold air, he was still on Kalus. Next to him was a small table with a drink on it. It looked like the same drink form the bar he got the contract at. Aiden remembered the ships explosion. He had a premonition of the event, proof that the Force took hold of him, and showed him the future.

“Hunter Lee, how are you?”

Aiden saw the General walk into the room.

“What happened?”

You hit the ground pretty hard and it knocked you out. You’re lucky that you used your weird Force Telekinesis or whatever to slow your fall or you would have died.”

“What about the enemy?”

“Clan Taldryan has been informed and appropriate action will be taken. Good work out there Hunter. I sense a long and prosperous future ahead for you.”

As the General was leaving Aiden asked him another question.

“Who gave me this drink?”

“I don’t know. Some hooded figure brought it and said it was for a contract well completed.”

The General left Aiden to his own devices. Aiden hoped that this would not cause a war to break out. War was the last thing that he needed, or wanted. But if so, then he would do his best to bring everything back into balance. Getting out of the bed Aiden prepared himself to leave the room. He hoped that his work would at least give clan Taldryan a fighting chance against these two enemy clans. Aiden looked over to the drink on the table, and walked away. Second guessing this decision he shrugged his shoulders and went back over the the cup and picked it up.

“Might as well.” And he drank it.

….

TraanReith

Aiden,

Congratulations on completing your contract!

I’m going to cover quite a bit of feedback for you. I’d like you to know that I like the direction you took the story and the ideas you brought to it. I’d like to invite you to take advantage of the writing courses the Shadow Academy has to offer to improve your skills.

Also, while I can’t proof your work for the ACB, I’ll be glad to proof other fiction for you if you want and I have time. You’ve got the seeds of a great writer and I’d like to help nurture that.

Syntax

You have a lot of repeated pronoun usage.

He could see a frozen tundra below him as he moved through the sky, and he could feel the bitter cold of the air around him

In this instance, you’ve got a variation of the male pronoun 5 times in the same sentence. As Wally is fond of saying, read your fiction out loud when you’re finished with it, or even as you write it. If it sounds awkward, it is.

I suggest working to write around the pronouns. IE: Aiden could see a frozen tundra below as if floating in the sky, the biting chill permeating through his skin.

After a few steps his stopped, and turned around, his eyes fixated on the drink he left on the table.

This is equal parts syntax and proofing. You’ve got too many commas and too many pronouns. Try, After a few steps, the Hunter turned around and strode back to the drink, tossing it back in a single gulp. “Why not,” he thought.

I like the synchronicity of the way you dovetailed the start and finish of the story with the alcohol. It’s a neat device, but I’d suggest against over using it. Especially if the same people will be reading your work. It gets to be predictable, and I can see from this that you can do better than predictable.

While waiting, Aiden walked over to a pad on the ground and sat down. He sat down and closed his eyes

This is repetitive. It would have been better combined as one sentence or split into two with more detail. Something to the effect of, “While waiting, the Seeker slowly moved over to a meditation pad. Easing to the floor as the trance came, his body responded with closed eyes and slowed breathing.”

It resembled the ones that the old rebellion had used on the Hoth System, though the colors more so match up with Clan Taldryan, and it had gone through several revisions

This is some phrasing that is a bit messy. Perhaps try ," though the colors matched those of Clan Taldryan, and the speeder appeared to have undergone significant modification."

Not wanting to be detected b anything, Aiden hit the switch and his Snowspeeder began to blend in with the surrounding are.

Lots of little proofing issues like the above. I believe you meant, “detected by anything” and “surrounding area”.

Story/Realism

You’ve got several realism dings,

An image began to appear in his mind. He could see a frozen tundra below him as he moved through the sky, and he could feel the bitter cold of the air around him. One word, began to recite in his head, “Tureen”. Again and again, the word grew louder in his head, until a flash of light broke Aiden of his concentration

I’m fairly certain is one of them being that you didn’t realize that meditative trance like projections require a Force Power : Farsight. As such, this gets dinged, though the way you wrote it was fairly well done. I’d already given you some feedback on the pronoun usage above.

Aiden hit a button near him and he was ejected from the cockpit into the sky as the ship burst into fire and light. As he fell he manipulated the Force and landed on the enemy’s ship. Aiden pulled out his lightsaber and stabbed the hull, destroying the ships engines and let go. As the enemy ship exploded Aiden fell. Everything went black.

We’ve got two breaches together here. The first is the part about manipulating the Force to land on the enemy ship. The second about how easily you disable it just from stabbing the hull.

They way this is written, you’re flying over the landscape at a significant pace before Aiden just ejected from an exploding ship. That means that when he’s been ejected, he’s in an ejection seat and now significantly higher and behind your opponent. Unless they turn and come at you, it’s unlikely that you’re going to be able to land on their ship. Even then, doing such a thing is going to be highly painful to you.

An alternative approach that would make more sense, would be to have the ship turn to come for you, and then releasing yourself from the ejection seat. Timing a jump to carry you above the ship, and slicing it with your lightsaber, then falling to the ground afterwards. Even then, as a Journeyman, such acrobatics are going to be implausible because you’re missing Athletics from your CS.

If you’re aiming to build a character capable of such feats of do-derring, I strongly recommend making Athletics at the top of your skill sheet at +3, Dual Wielding to the +2 spot, empathy to a +1 spot, and dropping the secondary martial arts form.

Realism is about all of the pieces coming together seamlessly, and while you tell a good story, it’s just not realistic to your character sheet at this moment in time. I have no doubt that you will get there though.

You hit the ground pretty hard and it knocked you out. You’re lucky that you used your weird Force Telekinesis or whatever to slow your fall or you would have died.”

Don’t name drop. Ever. It breaks the realism entirely. In universe, this General isn’t going to know anything about the Force and what it can do. He might infer, but he certainly wouldn’t name an ability directly.

Something more like, “You’re lucky. I’ve watched the holo-recording several times, and I still don’t understand how your fall seemed to break right before impact.”

Even then, what I just gave you as an example is implausible in its own right, because that’s not what Telekinesis does. TK is for manipulating other objects, not yourself. There is no Force Power that could have performed what you wrote.

You’d have been better off indicating you landed in a fresh powder drift that absorbed the impact. A large enough pile of fresh powder would have done it, and on an Ice world, it’s not that implausible.

Final Comments

I know I’ve thrown a lot at you in terms of commentary on your writing. I’d like to re-iterate that you show great promise as a writer, with creativity and cunning in terms of what you’ve written. Most of the issues are proofing/syntax in nature, and ironing those out comes with time, experience, and guidance.

Some of your realism issues come from getting to know and work within the Character Sheet and fictional guidelines of the Brotherhood. It’s something that takes adjusting to. The rules today are very different from when I joined, and even I get tripped up every now and again.

I look forward to seeing more work from you.

Well Done!

Grade: Satisfactory (+2)
Point Modifier: B-Class =x1.00
Final Grade: 2 Points
Tra’an Reith di Plagia