Contract Status: Completed
Grade: Needs Work (+1)
Point Modifier: B-Class = x1.00
Overall Score: 1
Please excuse the multiple comments on points of your post. Both Xirini and myself will be co-grading this. Mine (Celevon) will be identifiable by the C, whereas Xirini’s will be clearly identified by an X before the comments.
Xan nodded silently as he read the description of the mission and as Turel left. He took time to consider what he would need before addressing Liam.
C: Okay… This looks like you meant to write this as a compound sentence. The way it’s written now? Doesn’t work. How I would write this sentence:
Xan nodded silently as he read the description of the mission and, as Turel left, the Dashade took some time to consider his equipment before he turned to address Liam.
“Yes, of course,” the Knight-Commander replied. “You will get them tomorrow. As to what you spoke to me about earlier, be careful about losing control. Don’t push yourself to that point.”
C: I cover something similar to this in my last comment… What are you referring to when you’re talking about previous conversations? People from various units can read this and would have next to no idea what you’re referring to. You should explain this to add the relevant context.
He was disappointed that he did not get a blaster carbine, but liked the blaster pistol he had. It just seemed to fit more.
C: In the previous scene, you wrote Xan as handing over his blaster pistol to Liam, only for Xan to get a blaster pistol back rather than what he requested? This doesn’t make sense to me. It also wouldn’t make sense to the reader. Keep things like this in mind, as details such as these will make the audience reading your work lose interest.
Xan noted the distinct absence of Harakoans, and believed it was due to his Wyvern armor that some Jedi and sith wore.
X: Sith should be capitalized.
She was one of Xan’s colleague’s and a good friend. They two had many discussions, and she followed his philosophy of the hippocratic oath.
X: ‘Colleague doesn’t need an apostrophe. And, unless she’s an NPC in the House/Clan/etc, the reader won’t know anything about this character. You should introduce the character in a brief summary here, explaining who she is. Even as a member of COU with you, I do not know this character at all.
This doctor was named Brandon, and seemed to agree that Arcean went to far with Medicine, and the new “Doctor death” must be stopped.
C&X: Right… First, we suggest using other pronouns to describe Brandon. Using ‘doctor’ so often reads awkwardly. I would recommend purchasing a thesaurus or finding one to use online.
Secondly: -Arcean went too far with medicine-
Medicine shouldn’t be capitalized. You also used the wrong form of ‘to/too’.
Finally, if ‘Doctor Death’ is a name, it should be capitalized.
He was Desharik, a skilled tracker, and skilled with a blaster, but very by the books.
X: Tracker and Gunslinger
This makes it look like you’re just trying to fluff word count.
He did not approve of Xan’s flagrant use of the Force in new ways believing that such practices should be forbidden.
C&X: Does this actually affect the story at all? From what I’ve read, it doesn’t. To us, this looks like fluffing word count.
“Don’t worry about me, I have live as a field medic for this long.” With that he, ran toward the Outpost, trusting in his ability to not be detected.
C&X: lived, not live
Try to avoid switching tenses in your story, as that counts as a major detractor in writing arenas, such as the Antei Combat Center. It distracts the reader and proves detrimental to the overall story.
To Xan’s credit, he was not spotted by the thermal sensors in the area, however the group had been previously.
I would call this a realism dock, but there isn’t enough details… Don’t tell me he did it. Describe how he avoided detection, write it out.
He made it their in only twenty minutes, his stamina making up for lack of speed.
He made it there-
Aside from using the wrong form of ‘there’, good use of character sheet mechanics.
The second he arrived he came to see the truth. Almost forty men stood guard on the fort, and were obviously searching for something.
C: This reads in a very choppy manner. Don’t use fragmented sentences.
The gang which in tracing originally Xan found out about Arcean’s betrayl and turning.
Also… what ‘turning’? The reader needs context to understand what you’re referring to.
In his wobow mindset he was able to fend off his anger, but he did not know how long it would last.
C: ‘Wobow’ should be capitalized, as it refers to a Custom Aspect on your Character Sheet. It should also be explained fully, as having to pause to refer to said sheet is distracting for the reader and could make them lose interest. The previous time you wrote about this reference, you capitalized ‘Wobow’. That would make this a continuity error.
To summarize: While you do show a decent foundation for writing, we would highly advise a proofreader or two. This is to ensure that you get everything sorted out beforehand and can gain a decent score, as well as giving us an opportunity to point out clear areas in which you can improve. Because the story itself, whilst well thought out, was lacking in length, and there is no clear way to get a firm grasp on where you could improve. In all honesty, this looks like someone who is a native speaker of Spanish took the entire post from that language, popped it into Google Translate, converted to English, then copied and pasted the contents straight into the textual submission field on the discourse forum. As such, we are judging this as Needs Work.
A little proofreading and this could have easily achieved a higher score. Nice work.