[2015-02] Contract 051: Allistaire Von Drake - Infiltration, B-Class

Cineplex Orian Theater
Markosian City, Tarthos
Orian System

The cinema was relaxing, if a bit chilly. It was showing a double espionage thriller with Jaksa Fyle, the famous Arkanian spy-thriller holostar. They were dated films, but Allistaire enjoyed the old flicks and there weren’t many people around to bother her. As she sat by herself in the darkened theater, a concessions delivery droid sidled up to her seat on the empty side of the chamber.

“Popcorn delivery, zzrt.” The droid looked a little strange. One of it’s bug-eyes was hanging loose on a wire and it had scuff marks on it’s plasteel shell. “Programming violat—zrrt. Ppp-popcorn delivery.” The droid sparked a little from a loose access panel.

“But I didn’t order….” To Allistaire’s consternation, the droid rudely dropped a box of popcorn in her lap. Protruding from the delicious buttery contents was a datapad, much to her surprise. The mangled droid rolled away while shuddering occasionally. The Neophyte looked down at the datapad. As she picked it up and wiped off the butter with a napkin, the face of a mad Sith Alchemist with mismatched eyes and an evil smile floated across the screen.

Power On

Analyzing Biometrics
Identity Confirmed: Neophyte Allistaire Von Drake

Loading Filesystem
Filesystem Loaded

Decrypting Files

Target: Orian Arts Center Vault, Markosian City, Tarthos
Assignment: Infiltration and Recovery

Mission Details:

Allistaire Von Drake,
You have been selected for an important mission. An artifact recently recovered from the newly discovered old Jedi wreck site on Inos Moon 36 has been stolen by looters. This artifact is the hilt of an ancient Jedi lightsaber utilizing an extremely rare yellow Adegan crystal from Ruusan, a site completely destroyed in ancient times. This incredibly valuable artifact is being secreted away somewhere in the Orian Arts Center in Markosian City. You are infiltrate the Center, recover the artifact, and deliver it to the Temple of Sorrow on Sepros intact for examination and safekeeping.

Good Hunting.
Regards,
~ Adept Macron Goura Sadow

Authorized Signature(s)
-Voice Of The Dark Jedi Brotherhood-
-Grand Master of the Dark Jedi Brotherhood-

Parameters:
The Vault at the Orian Arts Center is a secure location with mag-shielded portals, surveillance cameras, and armed security guards. You will need to cut their power supply to take down the mag-shields, as even a lightsaber cannot cut through the shields when they are active. This will also disable their security systems and surveillance systems until backup power comes on-line in approximately ten minutes. The backup power will not re-enable the mag-shields, however. Once inside the building, you will need to neutralize the security guards. It is preferable that you do not kill or seriously injure them. You must remain unidentified as well. After you have successfully recovered the artifact, take note of who it had been stored by and deliver the information and the weapon to your superiors on Sepros.

Further Details: * It is of utmost importance that the general public not learn of this operation, involvement of Force-users, or your identity. The archeological crash site on Inos Moon 36 remains a highly classified Orian System secret at this time and needs to remain that way. As well, a heavy hand will arouse suspicion in this highly populated and sensitive location. Keep civilian casualties to a bare minimum. Good luck.*

Closing File
Unmounting Filesystem
Filesystem Unmounted
Erasing
Erasure Complete

Through Hardship To Hell

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Orian Arts Center
Sepros

Allistaire Von Drake possessed many things, beyond her pride: superior intelligence, good looks, a noble lineage, and the ability to make people like her, when she tried. Within the Clan she had little care for the opinions of others, nor was she concerned with her likeability, as she had an inflated ego groomed by her aristocratic background that dicated she consider most people beneath her. Therefore, when she was contacted by Macron Goura Sadow to infiltrate the Orian Arts Center to steal back an important artifact, she did not hesitate to accept. What point was there to wondering why she, of all people, had been chosen when she was obviously the superior answer?

In fact, had she been contracted for anything less, she would have been insulted.

She took to the mission as only she could, which is to say with a flare of quiet elegance and charm that she employed to full measure. There was no need to bother with the usual methods of concealment or infiltration, in her opinion. As confident as she was in herself and her abilities, she had already decided to use her looks and her background to her advantage.

The first part of her assignment, involving nothing more complicated than entering the building, went precisely as planned. She arrived at the Orian Arts Center at two o’clock in the afternoon just in time for the weekly gallery exhibit, intent only on charming the guard at the door. With her sleek black gown designed to distract curious eyes from her face lending an air of glamor to her appearance that she did not capitalize upon under normal circumstances, she had no trouble mingling in with the equally well-dressed crowd.

Next, her plan called for her to locate the ancient lightsaber hilt from the planet Ruusan. This proved easier than the first objective, as it was one of the pieces on display thanks to it being an artifact and therefore an object of curiosity. In a glass case in the center of the room, the lightsaber hilt looked like nothing more than an old relic beneath the none-too-gentle lights of the gallery, though it was not so much its outer shell so much as its core that was of any importance.

Upon locating it, she had only to remove it from its case and make her escape back to Clan Naga Sadow space to give the hilt to her leaders. Thanks to previous investigation of the Center Allistaire knew that the Center closed at five o’clock on the day of the exhibit, and had assumed that it would be a simple matter of slipping off to the bathroom five minutes before closing, hiding until the place closed, and then reemerging to steal the hilt.

Perhaps she should have stopped to consider just why she of all her Clanmates had been given this task. Realistically speaking, she had no special skill set that would make her the prime choice, though the argument could have been made that she was merely given the opportunity to prove herself.

These things chased themselves through her mind as she lay upon the floor of the art gallery, slowly dying. She never knew who had attacked her, as it had been instantaneous and with no warning; having not expected to be assaulted, she had not prepared for it. It had been swift, and all she remembered from it was a blinding pain in her temple, and crashing to the floor.

What she had no way of knowing was that she was not so much the target as was her Master, Methyas L’eonheart, who was a known and powerful Gray Jedi (of all things) outside of Clan Odan-Urr as well as an informational mastermind. What better way to strike at him than through his arrogant, over-bearing apprentice, especially when she had stepped on so many high-ranking toes?

As her consciousness faded, her only regret was that she had failed not only her mission, but her Clan as well.

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Three Days Later

“Are you sure you are prepared for this?”

The infiltration.

“I am, Master.”

The attack.

“Your arrogance almost cost you your life.”

The rescue.

“You nearly compromised everything.”

Her failure.

“You are lucky I have not made the decision to end your apprenticeship.”

“NO!”

Allistaire shot up in bed, sickly pale and shivering with the bedsheets tangled around her legs. Damp with sweat and disoriented, she looked around as much as the pain in her head would allow and saw that she was alone. There was no evidence that anyone had come to visit, but she could have sworn that Methyas had only just left.

She closed her eyes. Remembered.

Disappointing Methyas was the worst thing she had ever done, and the knowledge that she had nearly lost her apprenticeship filled her with an emptiness she could not explain. Since being taken on as a student by someone like Methyas, and since being accepted into the Clan at large, the Brotherhood had come to mean everything to her. It was as close to having friends as she had ever experienced, and the thought of losing it…

It hasn’t happened, she reminded herself. I am still a Jedi, I have not failed.

Desperate to prove it to herself, she reached out to the Force with the intention to pull the lightsaber on the table next to her into her hand…and was greeted with blinding pain and no results.

She tried again. Nothing but agony, and the hilt remained motionless.

I failed… She closed her eyes and wept. I failed…

Hi Allistaire,

Firstly, I’d like to apologize for the delay in grading you story.

Second, I love this introduction line. Loved her right from the start…! LOL

###Story / Realism Issues:

Your story was extremely short. That in itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but you could have expanded so many parts of this story, that I was left hoping for a bit more.

For example:

You’re itemizing your story in these two paragraphs like you’re going through a grocery list, and fail to expand on your ideas. You could have easily developed these ideas (and others) into more than one paragraph each. I was really disappointed since your story writing showed tremendous potential.

What I did like was that she failed and did not see it coming. I thoroughly enjoyed that plot twist, and didn’t see it coming either. I was literally freaking out because of the “shopping list” before, and I was suddenly excited to see some plot twists that left me wanting more.

You also did some beautiful creative writing with respect to your character development. The end scene where she has the encounter with her master was truly nice storytelling. That whole section was the gem in your story.

Syntax Issues:

You have good syntax in general. You do tend to splice your commas where you don’t need them, so sentences tend to get confusing because of it. It’s something that’s easily fixed with practice.

For example, the comma isn’t needed after the word likeability in the section below. In theory, you could simply use the word “since” instead of “as”, which would have continued your sentence without interruption. The comma wasn’t really needed.

Another comma splice here:

Final Comments

In all respects, this story could have been expanded to be so much more than what you gave here. Perhaps you ran out of time, or perhaps you weren’t sure where to go with the story which is why you didn’t write out as much as you could have. Either way, you show tremendous writing potential that I’m torn with the actual grade I should give you.

On the one hand, you show some very truly lucid writing moments. On the other hand, you failed to expand on them. Honestly, had you pushed this one through to the end, I think you’d have managed a Superior grade with your writing. Unfortunately, all we have here is a very good potential draft.

You have these sparks of creativity that just make me want to reach out and kiss you, and other parts where I’m like… “Why!? Why didn’t she expand that point, why did she just summarize that part with one paragraph… why…?!”

Calindra goes to sob quietly on her bed.

Until then, please keep on writing…! <3

Grade: Satisfactory (2)
Grade Modifier: B-Class =x1.0
Final Grade: 2

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Warmest regards,

Calindra