The Fleet accompanying the Clan’s flagship, the Nebula-Class Star Destroyer Dark Paladin is focussing its efforts on some intelligence received about a potential pirate base in the area. The pirates have been terrorizing the shipping routes, and given the political interests in the sector, we want to hit them fast and hard. The issue is, we need them pinned down until the Dark Paladin can get into range and obliterate it once and for all.
The mission is simple. Get yourself a squadron, make sure the pirates can’t get off that asteroid base, and hold them down until the Flag Ship can crush them.
.
.
.
. Good Hunting, Battlemaster.
Regards, -Knight Calindra Hejaran, Imperial Scholae Intelligence Authorized Signature(s) -Proconsul of Clan Scholae Palatinae-
Parameters: The pirate base is located in the middle of an asteroid field; they have scouts and heavily armed uglies to defend their base. Despite the antiquated state of their resources, they will give you a hard time. Scouts need to be neutralized quickly and some grey hairs are expected given the ‘seat of your pants’ flying that needs to be done in order to survive.
Attachments: None
Lucyeth
Starfighter Aces
Lucyeth banked hard right with delight as he felt the controls of his craft answer to him. He enjoyed the ease of maneuverability with the tie hunter as the rest of Alpha squadron was alongside in a set formation, scouting along with the Battlemaster while doing some fancy flying of their own. He ended the low pressure flight at the moment with everyone in competition for the best maneuvers. He didn’t intend to show off but they would need the best flying for what he and Alpha Squadron were about to do. The pirate base they were sent to scout would not be an easy task and they had to clear the way of enemy intelligence while gathering intel of their own in the process all while avoiding death. Lucyeth opened up his comms to speak with the rest of his squadron.
“Alright everyone, we have been given the objective of confirming intelligence of a pirate base in an asteroid field. Confirm the base, destroy the scouts and stay alive to get back to the Dark Paladin so that it can move in to bombard the base. All clear?” stated Lucyeth over the comm with clear cut authority in his tone and straight to the point.
“We’re all clear Alpha Leader,” stated Alpha two over the comm without hesitation.
Lucyeth had a positive feeling about the mission. He was flying with some of the best pilots in the Scholae fleet and he knew they would be right with him to complete the mission at hand. The scanning computer chirped at the confirmation of additional ships in the vicinity and Lucyeth got into the battle ready mindset. Scanners picked up multiple ships that were confirmed as small craft that Lucyeth had no doubt been enemy fighters. The Battlemaster got back on the comm to coordinate with Alpha squadron.
“Alpha Squadron, we have enemy fighters inbound move in to neutralize,” stated Lucyeth over the open channel.
The Battlemaster didn’t even have to wait for a response as the squadron moved in for attack position. The squadron would make short work of the scouting patrol and give the Dark Paladin the all clear. The squadron made evasive maneuvers to meet the enemy patrol that fired bursts of plasma in their direction. Lucyeth locked on to the nearest fighter and the roar of his hunter came when the proton torpedo soared toward the enemy fighter. The craft exploded with a fiery light as the Palatinaean advanced on the remaining enemy. His ease of mind was interrupted when Alpha four was obliterated into pieces next to him with an explosion that rocked his hull. The fighter was not hit with fighter armament but a laser battery. The pirate base was underneath them as the launchers and batteries opened fire simultaneously at the surprised Alpha Squadron.
“Alphas, evasive maneuvers we need to make some distance with those batteries head northwest to draw out the enemy fighters. More fighters were launching out of the pirate hangar with the fleeing Alpha squadron thinking of a new plan.
“focus on the fighters, we need to make sure that the scouting patrol is destroyed and then we will focus an attack run on the pirate base before returning to the Dark Paladin,” stated Lucyeth over the comms.
“For Alpha four,” replied Alpha two over the open channel and Lucyeth agreed. The squadron deserved it.
Lucyeth banked hard toward the enemy fighters and the squadron opened fire. The patrol dropped one by one with the short work of the tie hunter’s cannons. With the scouting patrol gone it left the squadron with a completed mission of neutralization of the enemy scouting patrol but Lucyeth had no intention of stopping there.
“Let’s set ion cannons for charge and aim at the pirate base’s batteries,” Stated Lucyeth over the open channel
“I have a torpedo left sir,” stated Alpha six and Lucyeth thought it over at the additional damage they could make.
“Alright aim for the hangar then but use caution. I do not want any more unneeded casualties but the less fighters that can get out the easier it is for us for air support in addition to less bombers that can launch,” replied Lucyeth with excitement in his voice but managed to contain it behind his crisp tone.
Lucyeth set his ion cannons to full power with the squadron moving into attack position toward the base. As they were in range, the batteries opened up and instincts took over as the Battlemaster yanked hard on the yoke to avoid fire and slammed the ion cannon trigger. Each fighter fired simultaneously with ion cannons and a few proton torpedoes. Lucyeth could clearly see the batteries shorting out with the ionization pulses along with a hangar on fire and a few fighters caught in the explosion.
“Alright everyone, let’s get back to the Dark Paladin so we leave a good target for them,” stated Lucyeth over his comm. The Alpha squadron of tie hunters moved in the outer edges of the sector to a short distance back to the flagship, awaiting further orders for the inevitable destruction of the pirate base.
Zakath
tie hunter should be capitalized as TIE Hunter, as the TIE starflighter ship models are labeled as such in canon due to it being an acronym for Twin Ion Engines.
“We’re all clear [,] Alpha Leader,” stated Alpha Two over the comm without hesitation.
Comma usage, especially in dialogue, is a bit easier than in regular writing syntax. Say the dialogue out loud. When you refer to someone by name or rank, there is a natural pause that people do instinctively.
Flying should be inserted between was and alongside. This helps to clarify what exactly Alpha squadron is doing. This may be obvious in this particular context, but in other situations, may not be exactly obvious to the reader, so it helps to include such words to be clear.
Two things here. “at the moment” should be “for the moment”, and there should be a comma between moment and with, as you’re joining two different sentences together.
This sentence, as it stands, is simply confusing. Read it out loud to yourself, and you’ll notice that something is probably off. Your ear will pick up things your eyes might not.
As it stands, even with some grammar issues, we, the reader, don’t really get what you’re trying to say? Was he trying to land at the same time as everyone else who was also trying to land?
Two things here: I’m not quite following your word choice here: What do you mean by clear the way of enemy intelligence? Did you mean interference?
Second, I’m seeing that you don’t use commas as much as you should, something I see several times in this story. I find it’s helpful to read the sentence out loud, if I’m not sure to include them or not. If I run out of breath before I can complete the sentence, it’s a good bet commas should be included. If nothing else, ask for help before posting - proofers are a writer’s best friend. For the sentence above, here it is with commas included:
“The pirate base they were sent to scout would not be an easy task, and they had to clear the way of enemy intelligence, while gathering intel of their own in the process, all while avoiding death.”
Just one thing of note that you also repeat, and is something I see a lot in new writers: Ship names should be italicized to make it completely obvious that they’re ships. Dark Paladin should be Dark Paladin.
“Been” is the wrong word choice here- it implies that the small craft were once fighters, but is no longer. “Were” is the word you’re looking for here.
This is not a criticism of the sentence itself, but instead noting something that you use repeatedly: You use the word stated quite a bit. It helps to mix it up with other words like said, exclaimed, shout, and so forth as appropriate. Otherwise I’m thinking that the pilots involved are all calm gentlemen out on a stroll instead of pilots in a combat situation. Mixing variations on a certain action such as stated also makes it read better.
You’re missing a quotation mark after enemy fighters.
First word in a sentence should always be capitalized.
Summary/Final Grade:
This was an interesting read. You did make a lot of technical errors in terms of grammar, notably with the lack of commas, and in a couple places, the confusing word choice. But I enjoyed the story itself, a very nice space battle with pirates, an unexpected loss on your part, and particularly points where it reveals something about characters- such as Lucyeth’s obvious delight in flying his Tie Hunter, and Alpha Squadron’s fancy flying.
Other ways to improve your grade is to add more obstacles. Create side characters or side plots to intertwine with your own. Anyone can write: “The boy went to the store. He picked up groceries. He put them in the bag. He walked home. He put the groceries away, the end.” As you’re telling your story, think of things you could invent/add that would make the journey itself more enjoyable to a reader. Don’t be afraid to experiment!
But unfortunately the technical errors drag the story down, and it was very distracting when I had to reread something multiple times to make sense of it. Command of syntax and the language allows for your reader to better follow the visuals you paint by telling your story. But if you get your stories proofed by another writer or two (I find that multiple sets of eyes on the same story can pick up different types of errors), and keep writing, I am confident that you will improve. Just keep at it. Practice makes better!
