A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

[2015-02] Contract 058: Tisto Kingang - Piloting, A-Class

Rajhin

Sanctuary II Space Station
Yhi System

“Action stations, set condition one throughout the station.”

Tistito stumbled out of his temporary quarters wondering what all the racket was about. It was 0300 hours in Fort Penicar right now so the Kiffar was in the middle of his usual sleep cycle. He had hastily thrown his clothes on and wandered outside to see what the alarms were about.

“Are you Knight Tisto Kingang?” A protocol droid inquired with a mechanical tinniness to its voice.

“I am.” The Kiffar replied hesitantly.

“I have been instructed to provide this datapad to you and direct you to review its contents immediately. Your assistance is required.” The droid thrust a datapad into Tisto’s hand.

“Uh, thanks.”

Power On

Analyzing Biometrics
Identity Confirmed

Loading Filesystem
Filesystem Loaded

Decrypting Files

Greetings Tisto,

Time is short and we need your help. An unknown group of assailants has conducted a major raid on Tythonian shipping. We have recieved a distress call from the outskirts of the system. As you are one of the few pilots available to pursue we need to take over Gold-One and lead Gold Flight of Paladin Squadron in pursuit. The Gold Flight leader is currently in sickbay unable to fly.

Enemy force is reported to be composed of a four Z-95s and an Assassin Class Corvette but more ships may be in the area, be cautious. .

You do not have much time, get to the hanger immediately, Gold Flight is waiting on you. We will send reinforcements as we can but you must aid the civilian transports at all cost!

May the Force be with you,
- Turel Sorenn
Councilor, Clan Odan-Urr

Closing File
Unmounting Filesystem
Filesystem Unmounted
Erasing
Erasure Complete

TistoKingang

Tisto nodded as he read. The fatigue is getting worse, he thought to himself. It had been days since he had gotten a full nights sleep, and amplifying his sight every day did not help things.

Tisto shrugged the feeling off, he had a job to do. Luckily I am already in my flight suit, he thought. Tisto took up a thin piece of black cloth and tied it around his eyes. He could see through it and he knew that he would need to enhance his sight in the battle. The cloth was there to prevent blinding.

The Knight Sargent turned from the droid as he finished tying the cloth, and lowered his hand. Adjusting to the dark shading of the cloth was still strange, and he was startled when his hand brushed against his saber. Enough of this silliness. This isn’t a swoop race, he though, You shouldn’t be getting jittery.

The Kiffar wasted no time running down to the hangar, his instincts kicking in an rushing through the halls. He arrived to see it was a bustle of activity. Three figures were standing in a triangle going over a plan while their ships were being prepared. It took Tisto a second to figure out who they were, and notice their species.

At the head of the trio was a Harakoan, his blue skin and stature setting him apart from the rest of the room. Tisto recognized him as Forren, or Gold 2. To Gold 2’s right stood a Togruta female, Kyp, or Gold 3.

The third figure was one Tisto knew personally, Gold 3, the own who brought Tisto to New Tython originally. The human, Annor, nodded as he saw Tisto enter the hangar. He motioned for the Knight Sargent to join the group.

“Everyone,” he said. “This is the man I requested to take over for Arrik. He is a skilled pilot, and a Jedi.”

“Is he the swoop savant you had told us about as for why you were gone for two weeks?” Gold 2 asked, an inquisitive look on his face.

“Yes,” Annor replied. “Anyhow, Tisto we were going over the plan. There are only four of us, and five of them, granted the Corvette will be an issue.”

“Leave the Z-95s to me,” Tisto said, trying to sound confident. “You three target the Corvette.”

The three pilots looked at him, questioningly. Tisto smiled as he thought about it.

“Z-95s can only reach 75 MGLT, whereas an X wing can reach 100 MGLT. I do best with speed, and taking on a Corvette is something I would have difficulty doing. If I distract the Z-95s then you guys can take out the Corvette. I trust you three to come up with a good plan, but avoid the Z-95s. Let me beat them,” Tisto said.

“You didn’t give a plan on how to beat four ships,” Forren said bluntly. “How can you beat them without one?”

“I don’t do plans. I do speed, it’s my element.” the Knight Sergeant replied.

Kyp nodded along before speaking. “Well Annor, you were right, he is absolutely insane.”

“Either way,” Annor said. “We need to go now. Or we will lose them.”

Tisto was walking away as Annor spoke, heading towards the X-wing he was to be piloting. It was a simple ship, and Tisto clambered up the side, entering the cockpit. He admired the controls, feeling at home. He took a second, feeling the hum of the engine, before taking off.

At once he was out of the hangar. The X wing shot into the air, followed close behind by his companions.

“All Wings check in,” Tisto stated as the entered space, speeding towards the enemy.

“Gold 2 standing by,” he heard. Follwed by “Gold 3 standing by.” “Gold 4 standing by.”

“ETA 30 minutes,” Tisto said.


The Gold Flight soared into the wreckage of a fight. He saw Tythonian transports torn apart, and saw the enemy. He flew his X-wing directly at the clustered Z-95s, adrenaline pumping. “GOLD FLIGHT! CHARGE!”

He went in with little regard for his companions, flying between the Z-95s to draw their attention. He knew that in a strait dog fight he could not win, but he wasn’t going for a dog fight.

He flew through them, and laughed as the pilots scrambled to take hi out, firing without regard for each other. He saw two of the four get destroyed by their own reckless firing, and sighed. This may turn into a dog fight.

He flew to the Corvette, hoping his foes would not risk firing at each other, when a blast slammed into his top left wing. The shielding absorbed the majority, but fell. He then saw blasts fly past him and realize he was being fired upon.

He flew under the Corvette, hearing the explosion of two torpedo right behind him, luckily only hitting the Corvette. He heard blasts, and barely avoided a missile launched by Gold-3 to the hangar doors of the Corvette. The shock wave threw his ship off course, and saved him from two torpedoes from the incoming Z-95s. He noticed the hangar bay doors jam, enough to fit his ship in. He flew towards the doors, his wings getting slammed by blaster fire. He wedged his X wing into the hangar doors, sliding into the Corvette. Tisto waited as the two Z-95s past by.

As the last one past by, he saw it explode, apparently hit by a missile. Before Tisto reentered the battle field, a door opened up, and several men entered the hangar. Tisto fired, taking them out as they walked in. He then piloted himself out of the Corvette, and speed away from the large ship.

He spotted the last Z-95 and hit the trigger, firing upon his foe, hitting their wings. He saw the ship spiral out of control as one wing flew off the ship, followed behind by the pilots body. He heard a large explosion and moved his ship to the side, glancing behind him. The Corvette was broken, a giant chunk of the ship where the bridge used to be was missing. The ship stopped moving, and people were floating through space.

Tisto sighed. It was over.

AlaarRinn

Hi Tisto,

Thanks for your ACB submission…! I hope you enjoyed writing it. You clearly had some good ideas and some action sequences that you wanted to bring to paper. I think you did an alright job, but you didn’t manage to quite deliver it in your writing. That will come with more writing, so keep at it…!

In the hopes that these might help you in future fiction writing, here are my comments on your mission.


##Syntax Issues:

All these syntax problems in the first 4 paragraphs… you clearly did not proofread your text, and the following paragraphs have several more examples of errors you’d have caught had you simply taken the time to check your text.

[quote]This isn’t a swoop race, he [thought], [you] shouldn’t be getting jittery.
[/quote]


##Story / Realism Issues:

He flew through them, and laughed as the pilots scrambled to take hi
out, firing without regard for each other. He saw two of the four get
destroyed by their own reckless firing, and sighed. This may turn into a dog fight.

Ok, I don’t have problems with paragraphs like that, typically. However, normally people would have written a significant amount of combat details before “any clumsy” move on the part of the enemy that “conveniently reduces their numbers” through attrition. So, had you described a really high action scene and some of the folks crashed because of it, that would have been “pretty fricken cool”. In this case however, it feels like you’re taking the easy way out.

Give me some meat to chew on, some action to salivate from…do not eliminate them right off the start of the battle. It’s so very anti-climatic…!

He flew under the Corvette, hearing the explosion of two torpedo right
behind him, luckily only hitting the Corvette. He heard blasts, and
barely avoided a missile launched by Gold-3 to the hangar doors of the
Corvette. The shock wave threw his ship off course, and saved him from two torpedoes from the incoming Z-95s. He noticed the hangar bay doors jam, enough to fit his ship in. He flew towards the doors, his wings getting slammed by blaster fire. He wedged his X wing into the hangar doors, sliding into the Corvette. Tisto waited as the two Z-95s past by.

More hand of god stuff here… divine intervention is good to use, but you need to use it sparingly. Overusing divine intervention makes a things less interesting for your readers.


##Final Remarks:

If I’m honest, I think you rushed this one a bit. You could have had someone proofread your text before posting it, which would have significantly helped with the quality of your submission. The story itself felt like it missed significant amounts of detail, like you had several things you wanted to write about, made a skeleton of the action you wanted, but never actually fleshed it out properly.

The sections I pointed out in the Story / Realism heading could have been expanded and polished with more action. I could tell what you were trying to do, but I think you didn’t manage to take what you saw in your mind and deliver it to the paper so to speak.

Given the unfleshed ideas and the fact that your text wasn’t proofread, clearly puts this “as needs more work.” What I’d like to see you do in the next fictions you write is take a real good second pass at the text, and see where you can expand on your ideas by providing more information, more conflict, etc. The sequence itself was promising, so I hope to see more again in the future!

Regards,

Calindra


Grade: Needs Work (+1)
Grade Modifier: A-Class = x1.25
Final Grade: 1.25