A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

[2015-02] Contract 061: Aiden Lee - Assassination, B-Class

RowenaMagnuri

Streets of Karufr

A cloaked figure stumbled into Aiden Lee, falling to the ground before coming to his feet. “Sorry about that, matey. Had a bit too much to drink.”

The Taldryanite wrinkled his nose at the strong scent of blended alcohol and stale tobacco emanating from the drunk. “Just be on your way.”

“Aye, ‘tis the plan.” The figure stumbled off, disappearing into the crowd as the Seeker shook his head.

As Lee turned to walk away, his hand connected with an unfamiliar shape in his pocket. The Human pulled a datapad from his pocket, already seeing the now-familiar process appear as his thumb hit the biometrics scanner.

After passing his green eyes over the crowd, Aiden turned his attention to the datapad.


x://_Encrypted File
x://_Passcode accepted
x://_Biometrics Authentic
x://_Identity Verified: Aiden Lee

Missions Details:

Journeyman Lee,

You have been chosen by the Antei Contract Bureau to carry out an assassination mission within the borders of your Clan’s Dominion. Intel has reported that the two are known for dealing experimental drugs disguised as pharmaceuticals with hallucinogenic properties.

Good Hunting.

Regards,
-Celevon Edraven
Commissioner, Antei Contract Bureau
Authorized Signature(s)
-Voice Of The Dark Jedi Brotherhood-
-Grand Master of the Dark Jedi Brotherhood-

Parameters:
The subjects of your assassination mission are known drug dealers who operate not far from Spanky’s Tavern. One is a Shapeshifter and the other has taken enough measures to conceal their identity that makes it difficult to correctly identify them. This will take some intelligence gathering and investigation to make sure your targets are the right ones. Good luck.

Rhylance

“Drug dealers, huh, the worst sort.”

Turning away from the crowd, Aiden began to walk towards a well-known establishment to gain some information on his newest contract. Around the streets of Dragostae’s entertainment district, Aiden noticed the reconstructed buildings. No longer was this district the home of undesirable businesses. It had been rebuilt as industrial space, providing more jobs for its citizens, a fact that made Aiden smile with pride for his new home planet.

After a short time of walking, Aiden found the cantina he was looking for. Spanky’s Tavern was a newer, more respectable bar which catered to the factory workers that inhabited the many new places of work. Walking through the front doors, the smell of hard working men and women filled his nostrils, and he turned his head slightly, trying to escape the musky stench.

Aiden walked up to the bar and sat down next to the slumping figure of a Zeltron man. The bartender, a tall human male with shaggy blonde hair and deep green eyes, shifted his attention from the other patrons, to Lee.

“What can I get for you, sir?”

“A Corellian Brandy, if you would please.”

“You got it. Anything for a Taldryan,” the bartender proclaimed with a wink.

Drink in hand Aiden gazed over the crowd, looking for any signs of unusual behavior. Aside from the drunken patrons singing off-key in the corner, Aiden found naught.

“Looking for something in particular, sir? I know of a couple other good drinks. My personal favorites a Red Dwarf. Nothing like it out there,” the bartender prattled, clearly focused on keeping Aiden happy.

“Have you heard anything about, let’s say, illegal activities in these parts?”

“No sir, I keep my establishment clean. Very clean.”

Aiden searched the man’s eyes and they seemed to be truthful. Losing hope for this area, the Taldryan let out a deep sigh as he downed his drink. Wiping his mouth with his sleeve, Aiden placed the drink onto the countertop along with the money to pay for it. Feeling generous, because of the bartender’s willingness to help, Aiden left a nice tip for the man.

“Come back anytime sir. I’ll give you a free drink next, or my name isn’t Lyre Stromewell.”

At the sound of Lyre’s name the drunken crowd cheered throughout the bar. Aiden shook his head in disbelief and left the building. Stopping for a minute, Lee tried to think of his next move. He decided to go speak with some of the captured drug users, and he made his way over to visit the jail.

The jail was heavily guarded by Taldryan military personnel, and when they realized who was approaching they bowed in respect for the Knight. Aiden walked inside, and headed straight to the desk clerk. A Twi’lek woman stood at the counter, her eyes wide at the Gray Jedi.

“Hello, my name is Aiden Lee, Knight of Taldrya, and I was hoping I could speak with some of your inmates?”

“I apologize sir but what for,” she questioned.

“I am looking to gain some Intel pertaining to their possible drug use. I’m trying to find the dealers.”

“I’m not sure that I can do that, sir. Not without my superior’s direct authority,” she responded, clearly sorry for having to refuse.

Aiden knew what needed to be done, though he was hesitant. He hated to force his will upon innocent people. Aided looked the woman in the eyes and reached out to the Force. The Green skinned Twi’lek’s mind was easy to bend as he waved his right hand and spoke.

“You will let me speak to the inmates,” he spoke forcefully.

The woman, enthralled with Aiden, simply nodded her head in agreement.

“I will let you speak with the inmates.”

She led Aiden into a small room to question the incoming criminals.The Twi’lek woman spoke with a guard and, as the higher ranking officer, ordered him to assist Aiden. Lee took out a list of prisoners, who had been found under the influence of the drugs, that he had received earlier. The guard read through the list, nodded, and went to retrieve the first prisoner.

The first man was a short, portly figure with a bald head and a few missing teeth. He was twitching a bit, still feeling the effects of some of the drugs. Having no skill in interrogation, Aiden simply began to speak with the man. He figured, trying to get the man to trust him may have been the best option.

“Please tell me what you remember.”

“Why should I, Taldryan scum.”

“I’m only looking to help you out. The drugs that you took, they can be dangerous. I just want to know who gave them too you.”

“I’m not saying a word,” the man sneered.

Aiden rubbed his temple softly, relinquishing his morals again.

“You should tell me who gave you the drugs,” Aiden suggested while waving his hand.

“I will tell you. There was a woman, black hair yellow eyes. She had a bodyguard with her. Big hulking guy, with a black mask. Asked me to try out this new medicine that would help me kick my other addictions. She brought me to a run-down building near Spanky’s. That’s all I remember. I think she said her name was Catriona DeClaire.”

Aiden listened intently, while writing down notes he deemed necessary. The others had similar stories, all of which Aiden had coerced out of his subjects with the Force.

“This guy stopped me on the street, promising to cure me. Rolan Marciss, that was his name. Uhm, six feet tall, I think. Brown hair, blue eyes. Real nice smile. He had an assistant with him, bigger man, with a black mask on. They took me to the old Ravagers place, near that bar, uhm Spanky’s.”

“It was an old man. Really old, and bald. He told me that he would save my life. That’s what Chron Hartley said he’d do all right. Him and his buddy, this large guy, i think he had on a black mask, took me to this messed up looking place. I don’t know why i went with them. I remember walking past Spanky’s place though.”

Aiden found the similarities between the stories, but the doctor seemed to change every time.
It simply wasn’t possible, unless the doctor was a shapeshifter, which would only make things harder on him.

Leaving the interrogation room, Aiden thanked the Twi’lek officer and once again bent her mind, telling her to erase all evidence of him being there, to which she happily agreed. Walking out of the building, he made his way back towards Spanky’s Bar, stopping to look for any noticeable run-down buildings. He located one a block away, behind the bar, and walked towards it.

The doors were rusty and looked like they might just fall off. Aiden gently opened the door and snuck inside. He wanted to be quiet so that he might not be noticed by anyone inside. As he made his way down a nearby hall, Aiden heard a crashing sound from the upstairs. Smiling at the possibility of finding his marks, he walked gingerly up the steps.

As he reached the top floor, he listened to hear some voices coming from the right, just past the stairs. He began moving towards the noise, hearing what was said as he got closer.

“Tion, we need to get another volunteer, the formula is almost complete.”

“I will do as you need me too, Neuv. I am still in your services.”

“That’s good to hear. Now put your mask back on you stupid Pau’an. We don’t need anyone knowing, who you are.”

“What will you be this time, Neuv?”

“Not sure, a young lady perhaps. I saw this delectable Zelosian girl a few hours ago. She would be fun to play.”

Aiden could hear the laughter from behind the door in front of him. Drawing the curved hilt from his waist, he kicked the wooden door open. As the door swung open, Neuv, a Clawdite, grasped his blaster pistol and began firing at the intruder. Aiden stretched out his left hand and as each blast came closer it slowly dissolved into nothing.

“Get him you idiot!,” Neuv commanded, as Tion brought out and activated a red lightsaber, clearly to small for him.

From the way he held the lightsaber, Aiden knew Tion wasn’t trained to fight with it. From the hilts design, it looked like a pre-built weapon that Clans would keep on hand for their younger members. Clearly the lightsaber was stolen, either after killing a Force user, or by disarming them.

Tion rushed forward, as Neuv left out the back window, slashing across at Aiden. Activating his purple blade Aiden, using an elegant, precise slash parried the blow away. For a few moments the fight continued with Tion slashing randomly and aggressively at Aiden blocking the strikes with ease and riposting his own attacks. Seeing an opening Aiden grabbed Tions right wrist and slashed down on his shoulder, severing his arm, causing the Pau’an to yell out in agony.

“I’m sorry,” Aiden said softly as he put Tion out of his misery, removing his head with a quick flick of his wrist.

Aiden deactivated the lightsaber, and stretching out his hand, pulled the other one to him. He looked out the window Neuv jumped out of, and saw Spanky’s was right there. Figuring the Clawdite would try to hide in the busy bar, Aiden made his way there.

Entering the establishment, Aiden noticed Lyre speaking with another patron at the bar. Keeping an eye out, Aiden walked up to the bar and sat down. Lyre turned over to him.

“Hi, how are you this fine night?”

“Fine.”

“What do you want?”

Aiden felt something was off. Lyre seemed different. He looked the same but his mannerisms, and the way he spoke seemed like a completely different person. Remembering a detail from earlier, Aiden smiled.

“I’ll have your favorite drink.”

“One Kri’gee ale coming right up.”

“Thanks,” Aiden turned his back on the clear imposter, and grabbed his lightsaber. Through the Force, Aiden could feel the danger behind him, and spinning around quickly he activated his purple lightsaber and sliced the blaster in two, then shoved the blade through Lyre’s chest. As Lyre choked out his labored breath, his face and hair morphed back into the Clawdite, Neuv.

Aiden jumped over the bar and heard a slight grunting noise from behind a nearby door. Opening the door he found the real Lyre tied up on the ground. After setting the bartender free he jumped back over the bar and sat down.

“I’d like a Corellian Brandy, and keep em coming.”

Lyre and the other patrons, the whole place now silent, simply stared at him in disbelief.

“What?”

Zakath

[quote]Aiden walked up to the bar and sat down next to the
slumping figure of a Zeltron man. The bartender, a tall human male with
shaggy blonde hair and deep green eyes, shifted his attention from the
other patrons, to Lee.[/quote]

One thing here - In the Star Wars universe, Humans are
considered a species, and should be capitalized as such when using the
word, much like you did with the Zeltron man.

[quote]Drink in hand Aiden gazed over the crowd, looking
for any signs of unusual behavior. Aside from the drunken patrons
singing off-key in the corner, Aiden found naught.[/quote]

There should be a comma between “drink in hand and Aiden
gazed over…” One useful way I find if I need to include a comma or not
is to talk the sentence out loud. If I need to include a pause to have
the sentence make sense, it’s a good bet a comma goes there.

[quote]“Looking for something in particular, sir? I know of
a couple other good drinks. My personal favorites a Red Dwarf. Nothing
like it out there,” the bartender prattled, clearly focused on keeping
Aiden happy.[/quote]

There should be an apostrophe in the word favorites- “My personal favorite’s a Red Dwarf. Nothing like it out there.”

[quote]The jail was heavily guarded by Taldryan military
personnel, and when they realized who was approaching they bowed in
respect for the Knight. Aiden walked inside, and headed straight to the
desk clerk. A Twi’lek woman stood at the counter, her eyes wide at the
Gray Jedi.[/quote]

There should be a comma between “approaching” and “they bowed in respect…”

I assume you meant Taldryan when you wrote Taldrya?

Comma needed between “sir” and “but”

No need to capitalize Intel in this sentence. Unless it’s a
name, acronym, or ship class, there is rarely any need to capitalize
the first letter of words in the middle of sentences.

[quote]Aiden knew what needed to be done, though he was
hesitant. He hated to force his will upon innocent people. Aided looked
the woman in the eyes and reached out to the Force. The Green skinned
Twi’lek’s mind was easy to bend as he waved his right hand and
spoke.[/quote]

Same thing as the previous comment- no need to capitalize the word Green.

[quote]Lee took out a list of prisoners, who had been found
under the influence of the drugs, that he had received earlier.
[/quote]

The first comma is unnecessary- the sentence flows fine without a pause there.

Comma needed after portly.

Comma is unnecessary after figured.

[quote]“I’m only looking to help you out. The drugs that
you took, they can be dangerous. I just want to know who gave them too
you.”[/quote]

Too is the wrong word, a “o” too far, so to speak. To is what you meant here.

[quote]“I will tell you. There was a woman, black hair
yellow eyes. She had a bodyguard with her. Big hulking guy, with a black
mask. Asked me to try out this new medicine that would help me kick my
other addictions. She brought me to a run-down building near Spanky’s.
That’s all I remember. I think she said her name was Catriona
DeClaire.”[/quote]

A comma is missing between “black hair” and “yellow eyes.”

Second i should be capitalized.

The first “the” is unnecessary here- “Aiden found similarities between the stories…” flows just fine.

[quote]Leaving the interrogation room, Aiden thanked the
Twi’lek officer and once again bent her mind, telling her to erase all
evidence of him being there, to which she happily agreed.[/quote]

Comma needed after “Twi’lek officer.”

[quote]As he made his way down a nearby hall, Aiden heard a
crashing sound from the upstairs. Smiling at the possibility of finding
his marks, he walked gingerly up the steps.[/quote]

”…a crashing sound from the upstairs.” The “the” is
unnecessary here. “A crashing sound from upstairs.” flows a bit better
without “the”.

[quote]As he reached the top floor, he listened to hear
some voices coming from the right, just past the stairs. He began moving
towards the noise, hearing what was said as he got closer.[/quote]

I’m not sure what your intent here was. Were you hoping to
hear voices, or did you hear some voices? If it’s the latter- which I
think you meant- then something like… “…floor, he stopped, hearing
some voices coming from the right." Listened and hear is essentially two
words meaning the same thing, so it can trip up your readers.

Two minor things here: “too,” should be “to,”, and “services” should be “service.”

Comma missing between “on” and “you stupid Pau’an.”

[quote]“Get him you idiot!,” Neuv commanded, as Tion
brought out and activated a red lightsaber, clearly to small for
him.[/quote]

Two things here. Missing comma between “Get him” and “you idiot!”, and “to small” should be “too small.”

There is an apostrophe missing in “hilts”. It should be “From the hilt’s design…”

This is very awkward wording that can confuse the reader.
It makes me think that Neuv was slashing at Aiden while leaving out the
back window. A better way to phrase it would be “Neuv left out the back
window as Tion rushed forward, slashing across at Aiden.”

Comma missing after “blade” and “Aiden”. The comma after
elegant is also unnecessary - the word “and” fits much better here.
“Aiden, using an elegant and precise slash, parried the blow away.”

[quote]For a few moments the fight continued with Tion
slashing randomly and aggressively at Aiden blocking the strikes with
ease and riposting his own attacks.[/quote]

This is a combination of awkward wording and missing
commas. First, there should be a comma after both “the fight
continued”, and“…at Aiden”, and then the sentence after that should be
reworded so that it makes a bit more sense.

Example: “For a few moments the fight continued, with Tion
slashing randomly and aggressively at Aiden, while the Knight blocked
the strikes with ease and riposting his own attacks.”

[quote]Seeing an opening Aiden grabbed Tions right wrist
and slashed down on his shoulder, severing his arm, causing the Pau’an
to yell out in agony.[/quote]

Comma missing after “opening” and “wrist”, and an apostrophe missing in Tion’s name.

The comma between “imposter” and “grabbed his lightsaber”
is unnecessary - here a comma is only needed if three or more actions is
happening in a sequence. If it’s two, the “and” word will suffice.

[quote]Through the Force, Aiden could feel the danger
behind him, and spinning around quickly he activated his purple
lightsaber and sliced the blaster in two, then shoved the blade through
Lyre’s chest. [/quote]

Comma missing after “quickly”.

Comma missing after “…the bartender free”

Summary/Final Grade

This was an interesting read. My first word of advice is
that I would encourage you to employ a proofreader or two when you’re
writing out any pieces of fiction- not just Contracts. Speaking from
personal experience, I find proofers to be a very valuable tool in
refining a piece of writing and turning a diamond in the rough into a
shining jewel. Your grammar definitely needs work, particularly in comma
usage, as you’ve either used them too little or too much- and a proofer
could’ve caught that.

As for the story itself, it was executed well, and your
character completed his mission in a clear and logical fashion. But…
where was the drama? The excitement? You completed your mission and did
it well, but your character was never truly challenged! Other than a
brief fight at the end, in which your character handily won, there was
nothing truly exciting that happened to make the contract shine out, so
to speak.

But that’s not to say you didn’t make anything pop- I liked
the fact that you’ve employed Mind Trick to compensate for the lack of
Interrogation skills, that was a nice touch. And the little bit at the
end, where Fake Lyre gives himself away through an incorrect statement
that Aiden picked up on, stemming from the beginning of the contract?
That was a flash of genius, and something I love to see.

Overall, your writing does need work, but you got some
awesome potential lurking underneath. I would encourage you to keep
writing, employ a proofreader or two (I find that employing multiple
proofreaders can pick up different things that one might miss), and
partner with them, not just to fix the grammar issues, but to polish up
the plot points, and your contracts will have the chance to truly shine!

Grade: Needs Work (+1)
Contract Modifier: 1.00
Overall Score: 1.00