[August Pilot] Contract 036: Revs - Assassination, A-Class

ACB Contract Offices
Lower Levels, Arcona Citadel
Estle City, Selen

The Onderonian glanced through the reports on completed contracts. Things had been going well, but there was an odd lull in activity of late.

A knock on the doorframe interrupted the Prelate from his musings. “You summoned me, Master?”

“Ah, Revs. Right on time. Do come in,” Celevon replied, a small smirk playing about his lips.

The Protector carefully strolled into the room, his heightened senses scanning every nook and cranny within the Office. “You said something about a continuation of a test of my skills in the message?”

“Yes, I did. I want to see how you carry out a task set forth that I have specifically chosen for you,” the Obelisk explained to his Miraluka apprentice, handing over a voice-over datapad.

Mission: Assassination, A-Class
Target: Devrin Mai’ke, Outskirts of Estle City
Specifics: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to eliminate this man in such a manner that does not leave evidence which implicates a Force User as the killer
Suspected Resistance: Minimal; your target is a thug with some decent connections that are likely from blackmail. A copy of an interrogation sessions following Mai’ke’s most recent arrest is available to help you identify the target.

“So, my target-”

“Deader,” the Onderonian corrected absently.

“What’s a deader?” Revs asked curiously.

“Any run-the-mill assassin or amateur killer has a target. It’s because their targets can get away from them. For a Shadesworn, we have Deaders. This is because they are already dead by the point that they have been chosen. The manner and execution are merely small details in the art that has yet to be accomplished,” Celevon explained, unconsciously repeating the words his Master had spoken to him under similar circumstances.

“Any advice on how to take out my Deader, then?”

“Leave your armory lightsaber to the practice area. Return to me when Mai’ke lies dead.”

Revs waited patiently in the shadows of the alley for his target to arrive. It had been almost 2 weeks since his Master had given him the assignment to kill the human Devrin Mai’ke. Over the last two weeks Revs had had many opportunities to kill the Deader, but he wanted to make sure this was done right.

Upon arriving in the outskirts of Estle City, Revs first objective was to locate his Deader.
Following the Interrogation logs he had received, it wasn’t hard to find the Deaders favorite hangouts.Mai’ke was a tall Human. Standing around 6’5” tall. He had a shaved head, with a long scar stretching from his ear to his mouth. He was loud and arrogant, everywhere he went. Always drawing attention to himself. Revs had no problem identifying the man, or spotting him in a crowd.

Every night Mai’ke went to the same bar to gamble off whatever credz he had managed to steal off of those unlucky enough to get caught by Mai’ke, and his group of goons.
Every day Revs would wait at this bar, disguised as a different person, and race. Each night as the bar would make last call Mai’ke would leave the bar with whatever credits he had managed to keep, and Revs would follow. After he would leave the bar, Mai’ke would always manage to find his way to the same alley to buy stems off a dealer to get a cheap high, before making his way back to the apartment he, and his goons shared.

It was in that alley that Revs now waited to make his move. After a well placed whisper in a rival dealers ear. It wasn’t hard for Revs to arrange for Mai’ke’s dealer to be absent for tonight. Most likely the man would be dead in another alley by now, but that was not Revs concern. At the mouth of the alley, Revs saw his target turn the corner and start heading toward him. Revs stepped further in the shadows, wrapping himself in the force to be better concealed. Mai’ke staggered drunkenly past Revs, calling the name of his dealer. Revs quickly took the opportunity to raise his blaster, and fire a single bolt off into the back of Mai’ke’s head. With a thump the Deader dropped to the ground. Revs quickly checked the body for any valuables, deciding that it would be best to make this look like a simple robbery. Finding nothing but a small amount of credz, and a datapad. Revs pocketed the items, and quickly left the alley.

Stripping his disguise a few blocks away, Revs then made his way to a local shuttle,where he would get a ride to where his speeder was parked. From there he would return to his Master. Upon sitting down in the shuttle, Revs observed the contents of the datapad. It held rather incriminating evidence against a small city official. So that’s how Mai’ke had avoided arrest for so long. Revs thought to himself.

Well I will just keep this close. One never knows when something like this may be of use. Revs thought as he set back, and prepared himself to report to his master.

Grade: Satisfactory - 2 Points

All in all, this fiction was not bad at all for your first attempt with us. There were a few errors with sentence structure as well as grammar throughout your post. One such thing that I have noticed is that you seem to have an issue with consistency. Or, rather, continuity. By this, I refer to as one such example:

(Continuity) In the first paragraph, you referred to my character as ‘Master’ with a capital letter. Yet in your final paragraph, it is lowercased. The same can be said with the word ‘Deader’ to indicate your assassination target. In cases such as this, I would keep them as either capitalised or lowercased. Considering the uses of the words ‘Master’ and ‘Deader’, you should aim to have those capitalised.

(Grammar) The second such thing that immediately struck me is that you always tend to refer to your character by name. Try using differing pronouns throughout your writing. Some examples are: Revs, Miraluka, Journeyman, Assassin, Qel-Droman.

Following the Interrogation logs he had received, it wasn’t hard to find the Deaders favorite hangouts.Mai’ke was a tall Human. Standing around 6’5” tall. He had a shaved head, with a long scar stretching from his ear to his mouth. He was loud and arrogant, everywhere he went. Always drawing attention to himself. Revs had no problem identifying the man, or spotting him in a crowd.

Continuing on the line of grammatical errors is the first sentence of the above paragraph:

-it wasn’t hard to find the Deaders favorite hangouts.

Since it is in the possessive form, Deaders would have an apostrophe, making it Deader’s.

I will now utilise the very same paragraph to point out another part of your writing that could use improvement.

In roleplaying and within this post, I have noticed that you tend to use fragmented sentences. Though, at the same time, you do not carry off into a run-on sentence, which I applaud.

An example of a way to fix this would be.

(Original excerpt from paragraph)
Mai’ke was a tall Human. Standing around 6’5” tall. He had a shaved head, with a long scar stretching from his ear to his mouth. He was loud and arrogant, everywhere he went. Always drawing attention to himself.

The way I would do this to have the paragraph flow better and remove the use of fragmented sentences-

Mai’ke was above average in terms of Human height, standing at roughly six feet, five inches. The male had a shaved head with a long scar stretching from his ear to where it met the edge of his lips. Everywhere he went, Mai’ke was drawing attention to himself with his boisterous behaviour and arrogant demeanor.

I must applaud the fact that you capitalised ‘Human’, considering that it is a species within the Star Wars Galaxy and should be done so. Most of the newer members tend to spell it in the lowercase. Kudos on that.

The only other problems I had with your overall story was, first, the lack of real length to your post. It gave me a glimpse of your writing ability, but not enough to get a true feel so I could offer more tips. That is not to say that you need to write an epic. The second issue I had was how it was lacking detail and/or difficulty in the mission. You wrote only one scene for the entire mission.

I enjoyed the creativity in making it appear to be a robbery gone bad.

The last is more of a part of personal preference. If you choose to have your character denote inner thoughts, show it with italicised script. In order to this, I have shown an example below. All you would have to do is remove the spaces between the asterisks to do so.

-* Peace, they say, is the enemy of memory. *

(To those that recognise it) Yes, that is a partial quote of Noah ‘Il Duce’ MacManus from the film: The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day.