A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

[August Pilot] Contract 037: Revs - Assassination, A-Class

RowenaMagnuri

ACB Contract Offices
Lower Levels, Arcona Citadel
Estle City, Selen

The Prelate inhaled the fumes of his cigarette, the music blaring through the speakers relaxing the male further despite the loud guitar riffs, heavy bass and furious drum beats. The lyrics spoke of rebelling, refusing to conform to the standards of society and overcoming the obstacles placed before you by any means.

The group itself were locals, playing clubs throughout Estle City. Though he enjoyed the music, there was a reason for the indulgence.

Celevon turned down the volume to where it was barely a background noise, though still audible as he sensed the approach of his apprentice.

“Come in, Revs,” the Onderonian called out as the Sith raised his hand to knock. “Have a seat.”

“What’s with the music?”

“I’ll explain once you’ve looked at the details of your mission,” the Obelisk replied as he offered the voice-over datapad.

Mission: Assassination, A-Class
Target: Lucas Devai
Specifics: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to eliminate the Devaronian. Unlike your previous mission, the subject who hired us to take care of this had a specific request for the method of execution.
Suspected Resistance: Minimal.

“Alright. What does the music have to do with this contract? And what’s the specific request?”

“They actually tie in with both of your questions,” Celevon replied with a small smirk. “Your task will be carried out during a concert of the band that you’re hearing. During a certain song, fake blood sprays over the crowd. The subject who hired us has requested that Devai be eliminated during that song. It just leaves one question.”

“What is that?” The Journeyman asked, a slight frown creasing his brow.

“How well can you handle a knife?”

Revs

Revs stood on the balcony of the dark Concert Hall, overlooking the stage, and floor. Though silent, and empty tonight, this building would be filled to max capacity tomorrow night. The assassin had broken into the hall tonight to try and plan how best to kill his Deader.

The concert hall was not the largest in the city, but could house a large crowd of five-hundred when full. It consisted of a small bar that connected to the floor area where the crowd would stand. The floor ran into the stage which stood about shoulder height. A bath room was tucked away at the back of the building, along with a staircase which led to the balcony. The balcony was reserved for the bands playing and the special effects operators. At the entrance security would check each person for tickets, weapons, or illegal contraband.

Revs had hidden a small spring assisted knife in the back of the bathroom tonight. It was far from the best hiding place, but the Miraluka could see no way else to get the blade in. Revs took a deep breath and sighted. He would have to kill the Deader on the floor in the middle of the crowd, during the song Raining Blood.

It would be during this song that the effects crew would trigger a sprinkler system, causing fake blood to spray over the crowd. With luck Revs will be able to stab the Deader, and be out of the building before anyone realized the target was actually bleeding. Having done all he could for the night the assassin turned, and walked out the back door he had come in. Revs struggled to use the force to lock the door and reset the alarm. Then he turned and headed back to the hotel he had rented for this mission. He would have an eventful day tomorrow.

The next day Revs woke early to prepare for today’s job. He dressed in baggy black pants and, a tee shirt bearing the bands name, Shores of Acheron. Placing a unique visor that was made to amplify colors to the sound of the music over where his eyes would be if he were Human, Revs completed his disguise. Seeing the world through a unique spectrum of the force, the visor was useless for a Miraluka, but tonight he wanted to appear human, and they did the job. He then carefully packed a bag with a business suit, his Armory Lightsaber, and a few other items. This bag would be another disguise that he would change into after the kill. The Lightsaber was for worst case scenarios. After double checking everything Revs picked up the bag, and left the hotel.

After a short travel Revs stashed the bag with his extra disguise in an alley, just a couple of blocks from the Concert Hall. After making sure the bag was hidden well, He quickly made his way to the show. Getting in line at the door, the Miraluka observed the security for tonight’s event. It consisted of two Gamorreans, and a tall human with well defined muscles.

As Revs approached the door, the human stopped him. “Yo bro, I need your ticket.” he said.

“Yea man its right here.” Revs stated as he pulled the ticket from his pocket.

The bouncer scanned the ticket, and handed it back to Revs saying “You’re good. Step up to get scanned.”

As Revs stepped forward, the two Gamorreans stopped him holding up scanners.

“Raise your arms.” the larger one said in what seemed forced broken Basic.

Revs raised his arms above his head as he waited for them to finish running their scanners over him. After they found nothing on him, the smaller Gamorrean growled and waved him through. It was clearly disappointed that it didn’t get to bash his head. As he entered the hall, the assassin used his acute senses to scan the place. The Concert Hall was already almost packed to full capacity. Finding his Deader would be a challenge in this crowd, but the opening band was still playing a fast thrashing set. Revs would have plenty of time to find his target.

Making his way to the bathroom, Revs searched for the knife he had hidden the night before. Finding that it was still there, he slipped it into his pocket. Walking out of the bathroom, he made his way to the bar where he sat to scan the crowd for his target.

Tonight his Deader was a Devaronian named Lucas Devai. From the picture that had came with the information that had been gathered, Devai was of average height for his race, red skin, and short, fat horns that he kept well polished. Revs sat at the bar for half an hour before he spotted his target. Devai was wearing old faded jeans, with a tattered shirt. The Devaronian seemed oblivious to what was going on around him, as he thrashed about to the music. Revs watched his target patiently.

As the opening band finished their set, the crowd moved to the bar while the main band set up. During the intermission the young Miraluka enjoyed having a couple of drinks; he even flirted with a cute Human girl, all the while keeping an eye on his target. As the band announced they were ready to play, Revs moved out to the floor followed by the girl he had been talking to. He hoped she would not become a problem. He positioned himself behind his Deader so that when the time came he could make a quick, clean kill. As the band started to play, Revs could feel the excitement of those around him. Feeling his own excitement start to rise, he couldn’t help but enjoy the heavy guitar riffs, fast drum beats, the deep base, and the alternating between a guttural grown to a deep scream the singer kept doing.

As the band played on, the Miraluka quickly found himself wrapped up in the emotions of those around him. He was jumping up and down to the music, and banging his head around in a circle creating a whirl of hair. He was so consumed by the music, and the young human girl next to him. That he almost lost track of what he had come here to do. Revs had not had this much fun since before going to the Academy.

At hearing the song he was waiting for, Revs remembered what he had came here to do. Pulling the knife out of his pocket, the Assassin focused on the Devaronian in front of him. As he stepped forward to make the kill, a mosh pit opened in front of him, in which Devai jumped in. Revs paused after losing sight of his target. He could feel the fake blood start to rain down on him. The young girl who had been by his side since he left the bar gave him a sudden push as she screamed ‘Get in there!”

Revs stumbled into the mosh pit where he was pummeled from all sides. After repeated hits, Revs started hitting back. It only took a few seconds of being in the pit for the Miraluka to find himself having the time of his life again. Seeing Devai in the pit brought him back to his mission. Pushing one man out of his way, he stepped toward Devai, flicking open the knife. As he prepared to make the kill, someone through Devai into Revs with such force that they both fell to the floor. Revs felt his knife slide into the Devaronians back upon impact. As soon as they hit the floor, the other members of the Mosh pit started to trip over them, and fall. Revs made use of the confusion to stab Devai two more times in the kidneys.

The Assassin struggled to get to his feet, slipping in sweat, booze, and fake blood. He managed to stumble out of the pit, but as he turned to make his way to the door he felt a pair of hands grab him.

“Oh my God Adrian are you ok?!” The young girl from the bar screamed the fake name he had given her. “What’s that all over your shirt?!”

Revs looked down to see that he was covered in a thick, silver liquid. He cursed himself under his breath. How could he forget that Devaronian blood was silver! At that point he heard a scream from behind him. Panicking he pushed the girl off him and pushed his way through the crowd, most who had never noticed anything had happened. Luckily the commotion had managed to go unnoticed long enough due to the bands heavy music, and the thrashing crowed. That security was just getting alerted that something had happened by the time Revs made it outside. Quickly ducking into the side alley, he stripped his blood covered shirt, and threw off the useless visor. He then ran as fast as he could through the connecting alleys to distance himself from the Concert Hall.

When the Assassin finally stopped to catch his breath, he realized he was not far from where he had stashed his bag. Quickly heading to that alley, he retrieved his bag, and changed into the suit. He then placed a small stick on press, which would give him the appearance of red eyes, over where his eyes should be. Using the force to turn his hair a black tint, and turn his skin to a bluish tint. Revs hoped to appear to be a Chiss. Tucking the Armory Lightsaber into his jacket, Revs then slowly walked out of the Alley, and down a couple of streets. He then flagged down a cab to bring him to his Masters estates. He could only hope that his Master did not learn all of the details to tonight’s assignment.

RowenaMagnuri

Grade: Satisfactory - 2 Points
Contract Status: Completed


Revs stood on the balcony of the dark Concert Hall, overlooking the stage, and floor. Though silent, and empty tonight, this building would be filled to max capacity tomorrow night. The assassin had broken into the hall tonight to try and plan how best to kill his Deader.

It looks like you’ve started using excessive commas rather than combining the sentences in the proper way. To use an example from your first sentence.

(Original excerpt)
Revs stood on the balcony of the dark Concert Hall, overlooking the stage, and floor.

I would suggest instead:

Revs stood on the balcony of the dimly lit concert hall, overlooking the stage and floor.

The concert hall was not the largest in the city, but could house a large crowd of five-hundred when full. It consisted of a small bar that connected to the floor area where the crowd would stand. The floor ran into the stage which stood about shoulder height. A bath room was tucked away at the back of the building, along with a staircase which led to the balcony. The balcony was reserved for the bands playing and the special effects operators. At the entrance security would check each person for tickets, weapons, or illegal contraband.

Revs had hidden a small spring assisted knife in the back of the bathroom tonight. It was far from the best hiding place, but the Miraluka could see no way else to get the blade in. Revs took a deep breath and sighted. He would have to kill the Deader on the floor in the middle of the crowd, during the song Raining Blood.

Glad to see someone caught my reference to Slayer. :wink:

Not a real error, but ‘spring assisted’ would normally have a dash connecting them. (I.E. *Revs had hidden a small, spring-assisted knife in the back of the bathroom.)

As for errors, you show a consistency (continuity) error. From one paragraph to the next, you alternately write ‘bath room’ and ‘bathroom’.

It would be during this song that the effects crew would trigger a sprinkler system, causing fake blood to spray over the crowd. With luck Revs will be able to stab the Deader, and be out of the building before anyone realized the target was actually bleeding. Having done all he could for the night the assassin turned, and walked out the back door he had come in. Revs struggled to use the force to lock the door and reset the alarm. Then he turned and headed back to the hotel he had rented for this mission. He would have an eventful day tomorrow.

You still write ‘force’ in the lowercase when referring to the mystical energy field we as Force Users utilize. This is done several times throughout your post.

After a short travel Revs stashed the bag with his extra disguise in an alley, just a couple of blocks from the Concert Hall. After making sure the bag was hidden well, He quickly made his way to the show. Getting in line at the door, the Miraluka observed the security for tonight’s event. It consisted of two Gamorreans, and a tall human with well defined muscles.

Your comma in the first sentence could have been placed before your character’s name instead of where it is for a better flowing sentence. You also had ‘He’ capitalised in the second sentence, following a comma. Simple mistakes from proofreading that are very easy to miss.

As the opening band finished their set, the crowd moved to the bar while the main band set up. During the intermission the young Miraluka enjoyed having a couple of drinks; he even flirted with a cute Human girl, all the while keeping an eye on his target. As the band announced they were ready to play, Revs moved out to the floor followed by the girl he had been talking to. He hoped she would not become a problem. He positioned himself behind his Deader so that when the time came he could make a quick, clean kill. As the band started to play, Revs could feel the excitement of those around him. Feeling his own excitement start to rise, he couldn’t help but enjoy the heavy guitar riffs, fast drum beats, the deep base, and the alternating between a guttural grown to a deep scream the singer kept doing.

*bass
*growl

As the band played on, the Miraluka quickly found himself wrapped up in the emotions of those around him. He was jumping up and down to the music, and banging his head around in a circle creating a whirl of hair. He was so consumed by the music, and the young human girl next to him. That he almost lost track of what he had come here to do. Revs had not had this much fun since before going to the Academy.

The only real errors here is in your fragmented sentence. And the fact that you didn’t capitalise ‘Human’.

To use an example on how I would alter this paragraph to flow better and remove the fragmented sentences:

(Original excerpt)
He was so consumed by the music, and the young human girl next to him. That he almost lost track of what he had come here to do.

I would suggest altering it, like so:

He was so consumed by the music and the young Human female at his side that Revs nearly forgot that he had a mission to complete.

At hearing the song he was waiting for, Revs remembered what he had came here to do. Pulling the knife out of his pocket, the Assassin focused on the Devaronian in front of him. As he stepped forward to make the kill, a mosh pit opened in front of him, in which Devai jumped in. Revs paused after losing sight of his target. He could feel the fake blood start to rain down on him. The young girl who had been by his side since he left the bar gave him a sudden push as she screamed ‘Get in there!”

Another continuity issue. Earlier, you consistently wrote ‘assassin’ as lowercase. In this paragraph, you do the opposite.

Revs stumbled into the mosh pit where he was pummeled from all sides. After repeated hits, Revs started hitting back. It only took a few seconds of being in the pit for the Miraluka to find himself having the time of his life again. Seeing Devai in the pit brought him back to his mission. Pushing one man out of his way, he stepped toward Devai, flicking open the knife. As he prepared to make the kill, someone through Devai into Revs with such force that they both fell to the floor. Revs felt his knife slide into the Devaronians back upon impact. As soon as they hit the floor, the other members of the Mosh pit started to trip over them, and fall. Revs made use of the confusion to stab Devai two more times in the kidneys.

Homonym confusion here. Though I know what you’re saying:

-someone through Devai into Revs-

You clearly mean ‘someone threw Devai into Revs’. I’m not going to mark down for this, as it is a very easy mistake to make in writing.

Revs looked down to see that he was covered in a thick, silver liquid. He cursed himself under his breath. How could he forget that Devaronian blood was silver! At that point he heard a scream from behind him. Panicking he pushed the girl off him and pushed his way through the crowd, most who had never noticed anything had happened. Luckily the commotion had managed to go unnoticed long enough due to the bands heavy music, and the thrashing crowed. That security was just getting alerted that something had happened by the time Revs made it outside. Quickly ducking into the side alley, he stripped his blood covered shirt, and threw off the useless visor. He then ran as fast as he could through the connecting alleys to distance himself from the Concert Hall.

… Devaronians have silver blood? Huh. You learn something new every day. Wookiepedia agrees with you.

Moving swiftly on. :stuck_out_tongue:

When the Assassin finally stopped to catch his breath, he realized he was not far from where he had stashed his bag. Quickly heading to that alley, he retrieved his bag, and changed into the suit. He then placed a small stick on press, which would give him the appearance of red eyes, over where his eyes should be. Using the force to turn his hair a black tint, and turn his skin to a bluish tint. Revs hoped to appear to be a Chiss. Tucking the Armory Lightsaber into his jacket, Revs then slowly walked out of the Alley, and down a couple of streets. He then flagged down a cab to bring him to his Masters estates. He could only hope that his Master did not learn all of the details to tonight’s assignment.

There were a few small errors that interrupted the flow of this paragraph. For example, in your second sentence, the second comma used can be removed as it’s unnecessary.

For future reference, Celevon would actually encourage your character to enjoy himself whilst on a mission. So long as it is completed, that is all that matters in the end. And can we help it if we enjoy good music and wild women? :wink:

This fiction was well-written and has a decent flow despite the errors mentioned above. Most of these can be fixed with enough proofreading. Though I can see definite improvement, you are still a step shy of achieving an Excellent.

Nice work, kiddo. I’m looking forward to seeing how you grow and improve with your next one. :slight_smile: