A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

[August Pilot] Contract #39: Revs - Piloting, A-Class

OccultanIacul

Sight and Lilly stood in Celevon’s new office.

“I see they upgraded you to a larger room,” the albino spoke slowly as he waved smoke away from his face. Behind him Lilly, his Fade, stood with one of her hands covering her nose.

“I’m just glad you don’t partake in his disgusting habit, Master,” the Fade spoke, not even attempting to hide her contempt, her free hand rested lightly on her master’s shoulder. Celevon caught a small smile on Sight’s face.

“It’s a nice way of alleviating stress without mass slaughter or a great deal of sex. Glad to see the two of you are getting on so well,” the Assassin smirked as he purposely took another drag from the burning cylinder.

Before the pair could respond to Celevon’s words, a knock echoed from the door behind them. Revs stepped into the room before any of them could answer the knock.

“Looking for some work, Master,” the Journeyman spoke slowly as he looked over the mandalorian woman and the albino, not sure what to think of the two strangers.

“I see your new apprentice is here. Celevon, let’s meet up for lunch. Lilly bring the whelp I have something lined up for him,” Sight spoke before brushing past the younger man. Lilly merely wrapped her arm around Revs’ neck and dragged the protesting Journeyman down the hall with them.

In Sight’s office, they found Jade standing by his desk a case of cigarettes laid upon the albino’s desk. Having released Revs, Lilly walked to her fellow Fade and began the two began to converse.

“Revs I need you to do a little something something for me,” the Priest spoke as a datapad floated across the room to the Journeyman.

Power on
Loading Files
Decrypting Files
Opening Sound File

Protector Revs, the DIA and the Office of the Shadow Lord has asked for you to eliminate a small contingent of Faust fighters that were left stranded in open space near Selen. The force consists of six TIE fighters piloted by non-Force sensitives. Unfortunately our assets are tied up in other functions and as such you will be alone on this mission. Good hunting Protector.

Close Sound File
Open Dossier File: Faust Weapons Corporation

Name: Faust Weapons Corporation
Business: Weapons Manufacture and Sales
Known Clients: The One Sith
Current Classification: Dangerous, destroy vessels on sight
Intel: The Faust Weapons Corporation has recently begun allowing One Sith security forces aboard its vessels. As such their current classification has changed from untrusted to dangerous, destroy vessels on sight.

Close Dossier File: Faust Weapons Corporation
Close All Files
Power Off

A smile crossed the Priest’s lips as Revs left his office, as his shadow war against Faust continued.

Revs

Revs starred out across the hanger bay floor. Everywhere he looked, he saw pilots inspecting their ships, droids performing different task, and fighter squadrons going over their final mission briefs. Seeing all of the activity going on here gave the Miraluka an idea of how small of a fish he was in the clan of Arcona. It didn’t matter though. He was patient, and his power growing with each passing week. For now, he just needed to survive this mission.

The young Sith had never actually flown outside of the training simulators before, and now for some reason he had been sent to destroy six stranded Tie-Fighters alone. How he was to do this he had no idea, but one thing was for certain. He wouldn’t be able to do it without a ship. Where was the Hanger Supervisor!

“Boy that was a mess to work out.” A voice said from behind Revs. Turning around to find himself face to face with a middle aged Corrilean, The Sith was taken aback. The man was filthy. His face was smeared with grease, and his cloths were stained with oil.

“We finally managed to get you cleared for a ship. We got you an old Z-95 Head Hunter.” the Supervisor said.

“I requested an X-Wing.” Revs said annoyed

“Well all the X-Wings have been booked out for another mission.” the Corrilean stated.

“A Head Hunter won’t do. I need a ship that has a hyper drive.” The young Sith stated.

“It has one installed, but you won’t have concussion missiles.” the Supervisor said impatiently. “Now come on, you’ll take it or stop wasting my time.”

Revs hand hovered near his blaster for a split second before he regained his composer. “Of course, take me to it.” he said calmly.

They walked in silence across the hanger. Revs couldn’t believe how this day was going. First that Mandolorian dragging him by the neck, then the Albino giving him this ridicules mission, and to top it off this impudent Welch of a mechanic acting as if he were nothing more than a common pilot. One day he would have the power where nobody will dream of treating him this way.

“Well there she is. Good a ship as you’ll find for her age.” the mechanic said, causing Revs to snap out of his thoughts. The Miraluka looked at the ship in disbelief. The old Head Hunter clearly showed its age as an antique. It was painted solid black with the emblem of Clan Arcona emblazoned on the side just behind the cockpit. It had large gouges in the hull, and leaned to one side from damage to the landing gear.

“Don’t let the looks fool you. She flies great.” the Corrilian said.

“I’m sure she does.” Revs said all the while thinking I’m going to die.
“I need it ready in an hour. Can you have that done?” Revs asked.

“She’s ready to go now, but I’ve got to get back to work. Make sure to bring her back in one piece.” the mechanic stated.

Revs stared at the mechanic as he walked away. He would arrange for the mans death after he returned, for now he had to find his target before they were rescued. After doing a quick walk around inspection, Revs climbed into the cockpit and started the ship. All systems were go. After withdrawing the landing gear, Revs slowly guided the ship out of the hanger and into orbit over Selen. Once in orbit the Sith ran through some basic maneuvers to test the ship. To his surprise, it responded amazingly. Punching in the coordinates he was given, Revs made the small jump through Hyper Space to where his targets were.

The young Sith was pulled out of his meditation by the alert that told him he was coming out of Hyper Space. As everything became clear again, he stretched out in all directions through the Force. He could sense six beings presence off to his portside, though his scanners showed nothing. Trusting his feeling in the Force, Revs chose to fly toward the presence that he had felt. It wasn’t long before six dots appeared on his scanners, and the comms started to relay a distress signal. The Sith smiled as a plan came formed in his head. As soon as he opened the connection to the signal he heard.“This is Raider One! Is anyone out there?”

Smiling as he approached the six ships Revs responded. “Raider One this is Scout Nine. I’m here to guide you home.”

A cheer erupted of the comms. “Are we ever glad to see you.” the Tie Pilots cheered.

“I’m just glad to see you are all safe.” Revs said into the COM link as he took aim on his first target.

The Tie-Fighters were flying in pairs of two, in a loose formation. Targeting the one on the far port side, Revs released a volley of lasers. The Tie-Fighter exploded in a shower of flames and debris.

“What was that? Whose shooting!” Were the screams Revs could hear through the COM link. Quickly taking advantage of the confusion, Revs turned hard to the starboard side. As his sight came over the closest Fighter trying to flee, he fired hitting the Tie’s right solar panel. As the small ship exploded, the young Sith quickly fell in behind its wing mate. With the element of surprise gone, Revs would now have a fight unlike any he had ever experienced.

Revs fired three shots at the Tie-Fighter before him. The small ship barrel rolled and dropped down, managing to avoid all the blast. The Sith managed to stay behind his target, but before he could loose another round of shots, the three remaining Fighters moved in behind him. As the three fighters closed in, Revs decelerated hard causing the ships to fly past him. Taking advantage of his sudden upper hand, he fired upon the closest Tie destroying it with a direct hit. The three remaining Fighters flew off in separate directions. Revs fell in behind the closest on, pressing his Head-Hunter to keep up with the Tie’s amazing speed. The young Sith fired off several shots, but never managed to hit his target. Being so focused on the small ship, he almost missed the other two ships moving into positions around him. One had fallen in behind, while the other came head on. Quickly targeting the ship coming at him, Revs fired off a shot. He managed to see the target explode, just before incoming laser fire splashed off his shields. Revs rolled hard to port side, and dropped to avoid more incoming fire. An alarm was screaming in the cockpit, alerting him that his shields were down. The remaining two tie fighters had fallen in behind him giving chase. Twisting and turning, Revs did his best to keep from being shot down. After coming out of a fast dive to avoid being shot, Revs saw in from of him a massive CR90 come out of hyper in front of him. The enemies rescue had arrived.

As the Sith stared mesmerized at the sheer size of the ship, a small twitch in the force alerted him just in time. He swerved his ship hard to the starboard side, just as laser fire brushed the underbelly of his ship. Quickly he hit the preprogrammed coordinates on his hyper drive and watches the star line blur as he made the jump home.

The ship rocked as it came out of hyperspace. It had taken some damage from that last blast, but nothing that seemed to keep it from flying, as far as Revs could tell. As he piloted the ship back to Selen, he Miraluka dreaded reporting that he failed the mission. As he approached the hanger, he decelerated and tried to engage the landing gear. The ship let out a loud moan and bang, and Revs could see parts of the landing gear fly off the ship.

With no way to land the ship Revs embraced for impact, as the ship slammed into the Hanger Bay floor. Sliding across the room, he took out droids and even a few other ships before coming to a stop. As he forced his way from the wreckage, he could feel a sharp pain in his arm. He would have to see the med droids to get the broken bone mended.

“Where do you think your going? Someone’s gotta pay for this!” the Supervisor screamed as he stepped in front of Rev.

“Send the bill to Priest Sight.” Revs said angrily as he pushed the Corrilean out of his way. Can this day get any worse he thought as he hurried out of the hanger.

RowenaMagnuri

Grade: Satisfactory - 2 Points


Whilst this is a good story, there were a number of spelling errors and a few grammatical errors throughout your post.

Revs starred out across the hanger bay floor. Everywhere he looked, he saw pilots inspecting their ships, droids performing different task, and fighter squadrons going over their final mission briefs. Seeing all of the activity going on here gave the Miraluka an idea of how small of a fish he was in the clan of Arcona. It didn’t matter though. He was patient, and his power growing with each passing week. For now, he just needed to survive this mission.

I’m going to assume you mean ‘stared’, rather than ‘starred’. And, second, it’s spelled ‘Hangar’. I notice that you spell it with an ‘e’ throughout your post.

The young Sith had never actually flown outside of the training simulators before, and now for some reason he had been sent to destroy six stranded Tie-Fighters alone. How he was to do this he had no idea, but one thing was for certain. He wouldn’t be able to do it without a ship. Where was the Hanger Supervisor!

  • Where was the Hangar Supervisor?!

It could either be done with a question mark, as it’s phrased as a question. Or add an exclamation point to it to emphasise that you’re character is urgently wondering this.

“Boy that was a mess to work out.” A voice said from behind Revs. Turning around to find himself face to face with a middle aged Corrilean, The Sith was taken aback. The man was filthy. His face was smeared with grease, and his cloths were stained with oil.

  • Corellian - you spell it ‘Corrilean’ throughout your post
  • clothes

“We finally managed to get you cleared for a ship. We got you an old Z-95 Head Hunter.” the Supervisor said.

There would be a comma between the dialogue and the action, rather than a period.

“A Head Hunter won’t do. I need a ship that has a hyper drive.” The young Sith stated.

Hyperdrive, in the Star Wars Universe is one word.

Revs hand hovered near his blaster for a split second before he regained his composer. “Of course, take me to it.” he said calmly.

As this is in the possessive, there would be an apostrophe after the ‘s’ in your character’s name.

  • composure

They walked in silence across the hanger. Revs couldn’t believe how this day was going. First that Mandolorian dragging him by the neck, then the Albino giving him this ridicules mission, and to top it off this impudent Welch of a mechanic acting as if he were nothing more than a common pilot. One day he would have the power where nobody will dream of treating him this way.

  • Mandalorian

Revs stared at the mechanic as he walked away. He would arrange for the mans death after he returned, for now he had to find his target before they were rescued.

As you’re referring to the death of the man, there would be an apostrophe: man’s.

The young Sith was pulled out of his meditation by the alert that told him he was coming out of Hyper Space. As everything became clear again, he stretched out in all directions through the Force. He could sense six beings presence off to his portside, though his scanners showed nothing.

When did Revs start meditating? This is one of those things that you need to write down and detail.

Secondly, your character is not skilled enough in Sense to be able to detect anyone at this distance, especially if they’re not detected by your radar.

“What was that? Whose shooting!” Were the screams Revs could hear through the COM link. Quickly taking advantage of the confusion, Revs turned hard to the starboard side. As his sight came over the closest Fighter trying to flee, he fired hitting the Tie’s right solar panel. As the small ship exploded, the young Sith quickly fell in behind its wing mate. With the element of surprise gone, Revs would now have a fight unlike any he had ever experienced.

  • Who’s, not ‘whose’

Revs fell in behind the closest on, pressing his Head-Hunter to keep up with the Tie’s amazing speed.

  • I’m guessing by the context clues here that you mean one, rather than ‘on’

As the Sith stared mesmerized at the sheer size of the ship, a small twitch in the force alerted him just in time. He swerved his ship hard to the starboard side, just as laser fire brushed the underbelly of his ship. Quickly he hit the preprogrammed coordinates on his hyper drive and watches the star line blur as he made the jump home.

  • Force

This should always be capitalized when you’re referring to the mystical energy field that Force Users utilize.

As he piloted the ship back to Selen, he Miraluka dreaded reporting that he failed the mission.

  • the Miraluka

With no way to land the ship Revs embraced for impact, as the ship slammed into the Hanger Bay floor.

Wait… you hugged something inside the ship? I think you mean ‘braced’ here, kiddo. :wink:

Whilst the story itself was good and captivating, the above mentioned errors kept you from achieving a score of Excellent. Nice work, mate.