A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

[December Pilot] Contract 085: Galleros Sjl - Assassination, B-Class

OccultanIacul

ACB Office
Arcona Citadel
Selen

Celevon glanced sideways again at the Human who sat at Sight’s old desk. The Prelate had heard whispering about the DIA’s Deep Cover Operatives but had never seen one before. Truth be told the Obelisk was unsure of what he thought of this strange newcomer but what he did know was he missed his friend.

Lilly sat quietly in the back of the office tears rolling out of her eyes and down her cheeks. The Fade had been inconsolable after the incident. Celevon had decided it was best to leave her be for the moment, though he was concerned as she had been following Mako wherever he went.

A knock came at the office door followed by the Battleteam leader of Dark Forge entering the office.

“I need a mission,” the man said leaving little room for interpretation.

Mako looked up his green eyes seeming to bore into the Zelosian for a moment. With a nod the Priest pointed to a stack of datapads on the edge of the desk.

“Take the one on top and see yourself out,” Mako’s voice seemed hollow to Celevon and Galleros and made a shiver run down their spines, something seemed wrong with the Krath. However the green man took the datapad as instructed.

Power on
Loading Files
Decrypting Files
Opening Sound File

Knight Galleros, the DIA and the office of the Shadow Lord request that you travel to Port O’val to eliminate a Ms. Raven. We have received a rather large commission to ensure that Ms. Raven doesn’t survive her next encounter. We also have set up an appointment for you with Ms. Raven in 3 days time at 0015 hundred hours in the hotel O’val. You are to use the assumed name of “Reltran Green” at the hotel. You are to kill this woman in any means you see fit as long as it is unable to be tied back to the Shadow Clan. Good hunting Knight.

Close Sound File
Open Dossier File: Raven

Name: Raven
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Race: Human
Distinguishing marks: Black hair and blue eyes
Affiliation: none, lady of the evening
Classification: Kill on sight
Notable Skills: Seduction and manipulation. Raven prefers to lure her targets into a sense of false security before either poisoning them on stabbing them with a knife. DIA operatives also have found strong indications that she has undergone intense hand to hand combat training and some weapons training.
Intel: Raven has been implicated in several fatal stabbings of her clients. A private party has paid a large amount of credits to make sure she is dealt with in a quiet nature.

Close Dossier File: Raven
Close All Files
Power Off

Qor

ACB Office,
Arcona Citadel,
Selen,
Day one,
1200 hours.

Sjl, now Mr. Green, pocketed the datapad and progressed from the office of the commissioners. His mind concentrated on the plan ahead as he thought of a list of items, locations and people to see. He left for the cruisers parked and picked one with a droid driver, sitting inside comfortably.

“Greetings Mr Green, how may I assist you?” The droid was delightfully pleasant, which made Green more concentrated.

“Let’s see, I need a formal suit for when I enter Hotel O’val in three days. I need to find a suitable and concealing weapon to use against her. Probably a small dart gun with knock-out effects. I require some alcohol before hand because I am in no shape to waltz inside and become this Mr. Green. I also need some credits, because I know this hotel owns a casino area, and finally I need an escape route, which will be a vehicle of some kind. Let’s head to the nearest garage for speeders.” Sjl noted to himself, then patted the droid’s cold shoulder.

“Affirmative sir!” The droid whirred out, then sped off into the night.

Ku Vrak’s Mechanical Emporium,
20 miles south of Estle City,
Selen,
Day one,
1400 hours.

The rickety and dusty hut that sat on the border of the road was scattered with rusting vehicles and hydraulic parts. The door was covered by a dusty red cloth to keep the sun out, and a small arched window held the face of a Blood carver.

The beady brown eyes of the creature darted around his yard as he saw a robed Zelosian slowly walk into his premises. Scurrying quickly, the insectoid darted from the window and flicked back the cloth as he jumped out of his hut.

“Oi! What on Selen are your filth doing on my property? Shouldn’t you be soaking in the sun or wasting someone else’s time?” The old Blood carver kept waving and stabbing at Green’s direction with his fingers.

Green smirked and slowly pushed over a wreck that used to be a good speeder. “I have no idea what i’m doing in this useless place, this is all garbage. But I want a good speeder, something far superior to your loose standards.”

The Zelosian tried to press the Blood carver into submitting, but they were both enjoying this game of insults.

“Well your young and inexperienced mush that you call a ‘brain’ will never think to come here. This is a mechanical emporium, and the best shop on this continent to buy a speeder!” The Blood carver opened his arms with pride as the two men stood together.

“Well then it’s a good job I was cursed to be stuck here, because I demand a decent speeder, and none of that crap you leave rotting in the sun.”

The venerable blood carver, known by Green as Ku, motioned them to the side of his hut. There, Ku yanked a blue cloth from the top of a very slim and polished speeder. The body was covering a very complex engine and the handles were covered in many different buttons Mr. Green didn’t understand.

“It’s easy, you imbecile, the outer left button is the ignition, the central left is the headlights, the lever at the bottom right is the acceleration and the scroll bar on the right handle is the clutch.” Ku directed his hand towards the areas as Green slowly nodded in reply, then handing the old blood carver a case of credits.

“Does it come in black?” A smirk slowly crept across the Zelosian’s face that pleased Ku.

Madame Electus’ box of pleasures,
Estle City,
Selen,
Day one,
1800 hours.

Mr. Green walked down a widened street and towards the modernised building complex known as a tailors. The entire street held complexes just as eccentric as this, with super-sized products sitting on the faces and a picture of the owner smiling cheerfully. The doors remained the same as everywhere else however, the grey metallic frame and red wood. Green approached the tailors and pressed his hand against the door and pushed inside. The clean aroma of pine and bleach surrounded his senses, as well as the prominent scent of leather. He looked inside as he shut the door, and was greeted by the hooked, alluring grin of a well toned and busty woman with raven hair.

“Welcome sir, come to dip your curiosity into my box of pleasures?” Her voice was silky soft and in a happy tone.

“Yes I am Madam, I need a formal wear for my evening event in two days, i’m sure you can help me slip into something.” He gave her a soft wink as her cheeks blushed rather innocently at his notion.

“Oh course sir! I can promise that you will be the delicious delight at this evening. Right this way sir.” She gave Mr. Green a wink back and twirled on her heels, then bounced away towards the changing rooms. Her hands were busy juggling a measurer as she enjoyed the personal touch in her craft.

Minutes past and Mr. Green walked out from behind a curtain to view a three way mirror, his suit was two pieces; a black turtle neck coat with white trimmings down the fastening and black slacks with pointed boots. His left wrist held a white gold watch suited to Selen time and his bald head was covered with a fashionable hat that was shaped like a black sideways teardrop. He nodded in approval then turned to the assistant.

“You have my details in your datapad, i’m sure that my employers can pay you for this.”

“Wonderful sir, absolutely wonderful!” Her eyes never left his appearance as she felt enchanted by him, Green chuckled to himself when he noticed this. Green smiled and then exited the store.

Unknown Apartment,
Estle City,
Selen,
Day one,
2100 hours.

The quiet apartment was dimly lit by the moody lights built into the scattered alcoves and furniture held within each room with a large wall window that faced the dark city. A reclining chair sat facing this view along with a small glass table that balanced a bottle of Bespin port. Mr. Green sat in this chair and sipped a glass of port to himself, thinking of the plans ahead in some casual robes and no shoes. Behind Green, a Rodian was setting up a dart gun and poisonous cartridges in a hidden sleeve. He then took a glance at his customer and showed him the gun with the appropriate darts.

“High quality material, very rare toxins and silenced so only the air can be felt. Takes seconds for the person to collapse, then minutes for them to die. My client tells me that only one Neti knows the antidote and he is…occupied.” The Rodian confirmed with Mr. Green, he got no reply.

The Zelosian pointed his glass towards the bed and the Rodian gathered his stuff and left the weapon there, then swiftly exited. The Zelosian had already drank three bottles, however his controlled abilities had prevented him from being too drunk for now. His mind turned to the assassination and his plan, to Green it was simple. But the aftermath was not, to Green the problem of escaping without being seen can be an issue because of added security and lockdown in certain gambling areas. There was also the problem of weapons checks, metal detectors and scanning droids. Seconds past and Green could feel his vision spin and his breathing became harder, then he dropped his glass and returned to the black.

Unknown Apartment,
Estle City,
Selen,
Day two,
1400 hours.

His own snoring woke him up as Mr. Green quickly stood and looked around, with a pulsing headache and a throat that is sand dry, Green did not control his body as well as he liked. He looked to his watch and noticed he was late for refueling the speeder. In haste he grabbed a casual coat and the speeder keys then ran out the door.

Meeting the full glare of the sunlight, his eyes stung and his face throbbed with pain. Mr. Green truly regretted the glasses of port, but the day must press on.

“I must see Ku, this fuel is not enough to last another day.” Green stated to himself.

Green then jumped onto the speeder and drove out of the city and into the desert, feeling worse than before.

Ku Vrak’s Mechanical Emporium,
20 miles south of Estle City,
Selen,
Day two,
1600 hours.

“And what on this forbidden land are you doing back here, Mr Green!” The raspy voice of Ku echoed the scrapyard as Green slowly walked towards him.

“Just listen crusty, I need fuel for the useless speeder you stole my credits for.”

“Right, and you expect to get a discount now because of loyalty?” Ku spat at the Zelosian in a chuckle.

“Too damn right I do!” Mr. Green quickly shouted back, riling up some confidence.

With a sharp smirk, the venerable Blood carver motioned for Green to follow him to the back and Green followed, towing his speeder with his hands.

“So I heard you’re going to that King Faust’s Kingdom of Pazaak later,” The old mechanic said.

“Yes, what of it?”

“And you still expect me to give you cheap fuel when you’re buying into the best of the best Pazaak tables?”

Mr. Green had not read anything about the event, only that it was hosted by Faust. Logic should of clicked into his mind. However Mr. Green was a good Pazaak player.

“I’ve had some training, don’t worry about my money not spent on you, alright?”

Ku grumbled something native and continued to refuel the speeder, checking the vehicle over for issues or problems. Finally filling it up Ku slammed the nozzle back into the tank and opened his hand to Green. The Zelosian filled it with the appropriate credits and then walked away with the speeder.

“I assume you will not mention my name if people ask, you wouldn’t want your place raided because you traded with a rich man.” Ku nodded in agreement and waddled back inside, understanding completely. Now prepared, Mr Green left for home to recuperate from the port.

Hotel O’val,
Estle City,
Selen,
Day three,
0900 hours.

Cruisers, speeders and large public transits scattered and darted around the high class complex as many formally suited inhabitants walked inside the grand double doors. The hotel towered high with sky lights slowly orbiting above it and the face of the building was pimpled by windows, doors and many balconies. Mr Green stood from his parked speeder and confidently walked towards the hotel. He fixed his dart gun to rest inside the rib area of his formal top, which was slowly comfortable. When walking inside, Green was met with a nod from a bell boy who carried a tray of alcoholic drinks and offered Green a glass, but the recently sober Zelosian politely declined and continued to the desk. There, he was met by a familiar face, a busty raven haired girl that had an innocent blush on her. She greeted Mr. Green with a charming and bright smile, then picked up a datapad.

“Welcome to the O’val Hotel sir, may I take your name and desire to stay please?” She stared pleasantly into his eyes for a reply.

“It’s Reltran Green, i’m here for the King Faust’s Kingdom of Pazaak event.” Her eyes darted over her private list and she smiled when she came across Mr. Green’s face.

“Ah! A Zelosian! Welcome to Selen.” Reltran smiled softly as he received his keys from the receptionist, and then a welcome batch of credits.

“For your membership on tonight’s event. Enjoy your night, Mr. Green” She smiled then twirled on her heels and bounced away. He enjoyed the rear view.

Hotel O’val,
Estle City,
Selen,
Day three,
2100 hours.

After spending a few hours in breakfast, several hours practicing Pazaak and a few minutes exploring the hotel, Mr. Green finally found himself facing a sectioned off lounge area that was complete with Pazaak tables, security droids and a very large bar surrounding a pillar. His eyes turned towards a familiar face sat near the bar at his own private table, Mr. Faust himself. His attention was distracted as a security droid spoke to him directly.

“Mr. Green welcome, welcome credits and room number please?” The droid monotonically spoke.

“Room 3316” Mr. Green planted a bag of credits into it’s hand and watched as it counted the contents then returned them and proceeded to let him inside.

He was met with a large group of old men of all different species and classes, along with waiters and female assistants on the tables. He went ahead and found a spare seat on a table, which was crammed with elderly men smoking excessively, and one raven haired girl dressed in a corset dress that was strikingly purple. Mr. Green slowly sat next to the woman and she turned her face to give the same innocent blushing smirk she has given him before.

“Ms Raven, I presume?” She gave a wicked but alluring smile back at him, without saying a word.

“I should of known that you liked me, why hide?” He whispered to her as he slowly reached into his jacket for the gun.

The waitress at the table motioned for his welcome credits and he tossed them to her quickly, placing his gun onto his lap and looked back at Raven.

“Do you really think I’ll let you in on my secrets so easily, darling?” She chuckled and softly patted his shoulder as she looked at her cards and sipped her vodka. You could smell the strength of it from a distance.

“How many have you had?” He whispered as he looked at his deck, eager to win something at least.

She shrugged and licked the vodka from her lips as she studied the deck more, Mr. Green saw this was his chance to strike. He slowly placed his cards face down and waited for her to sip once more. Noticing she gripped the glass, he slowly aimed at her thin waist and shot the dart. The spike penetrated with swift speed as she wobbled softly. Eager to now leave, he took the dart back out and back into the gun, with Raven now slumping over the table.

“Excuse me, I need to use the rest room, I stand” He tossed his cards in, holstered his gun and slowly stood, then notice as Raven slammed her head down onto the table as she struggled for breath.

Mr. Green felt successful for once, and this time he enjoyed this mission but he was still missing the professional vibe of this establishment. Desiring to fit in, Green approached the bar once more and knocked twice as he held more credits. A dark haired lady familiar to him and his commissioner smiled, motioning at the collection.

“Dry martini, shaken not stirred Lilly.” He smirked and sat on the stool as he awaited for the target to pass into the Force.

TerranKoul

Contract: Completed
Grade: Needs Work
1 Point


I’ll summarize things up front, then break down specific examples afterwards.

Starting on a positive note, there were several examples of terrific description, particularly involving the scenery. This, coupled with a good grasp of imagery, puts you ahead of the game when it comes to setting a scene.

Unfortunately, there were repeated issues with the narration itself. You frequently used conflicting verb tenses and the dialogue is littered with run-on sentences. Additionally, there were many relatively simple errors in grammar and punctuation that a cursory proofing by a third party should have caught. Make sure to always take advantage of the numerous proofers available in your House and Clan. There were a few passages where I’m literally not sure what is happening. This is also something that can be fixed by running your story by a proofreader. Failing that, make sure to read it out loud to yourself, as that will force you to confront a lot of issues that you might otherwise miss.

You have a tendency to use monologue to show what a character is thinking, however that’s not accurate to the way people operate. Feel free to experiment with showing your character’s thoughts. This is often done by italicizing the internal narration, thought Invictus as he graded the ACB contract.

Finally, the ending felt very rushed. There’s a climax, but no denouement. Overall, the piece felt unfinished.

None of these problems are insurmountable with a bit of time, effort and outside help. I’ve included specific examples below, but if you have any questions or concerns, feel free to email me or message me on IRC and I’d be happy to discuss them further.


“Greetings Mr Green, how may I assist you?” The droid was delightfully pleasant, which made Green more concentrated.  

I think you meant that it made him concentrate harder, however I’m not sure why that would be the case. This might be a good place for exposition to give insight into your character’s internal monologue. Also, you refer to him as “Mr. Green” in the narration (outside of the dialogue). Traditionally, if he is playing a role, you would still refer to him by the character’s name/title when it is from that character’s perspective (or the perspective of anyone who knows who he actually is).

"I need to find a suitable and concealing weapon to use against her."

Concealable.

“Let’s see, I need a formal suit for when I enter Hotel O’val in three days. I need to find a suitable and concealing weapon to use against her. Probably a small dart gun with knock-out effects. I require some alcohol before hand because I am in no shape to waltz inside and become this Mr. Green. I also need some credits, because I know this hotel owns a casino area, and finally I need an escape route, which will be a vehicle of some kind. Let’s head to the nearest garage for speeders.” Sjl noted to himself, then patted the droid’s cold shoulder.

A few issues with the above paragraph that I just want to hit real quickly:

  1. Traditionally, you would put quotes around “Mr. Green” if a character in the know is referring to the persona. In the case of dialogue, use nested quotes. “I require some alcohol before hand because I am in no shape to waltz inside and become this ‘Mr. Green.’”

  2. Lexic doesn’t seem to think out loud the way people naturally do so. For instance: “I also need some credits, because I know this hotel owns a casino area”. If someone were to actually express this sentiment verbally, they’d be much more likely to say something along the lines of “I’ll also need some credits for the casino.” The monologue in general is stilted, as if you were so busy concentrating on expressing yourself clearly that you forgot to express yourself naturally.

  3. Sjl isn’t really noting all this to himself. There’s a droid right there that just spoke to him, and he immediately pats on the shoulder. Saying he “noted to himself” then immediately interacting with the droid in the same sentence is jarring.

    "The rickety and dusty hut that sat on the border of the road was scattered with rusting vehicles and hydraulic parts. The door was covered by a dusty red cloth to keep the sun out, and a small arched window held the face of a Blood carver."
    Redundant use of “dusty” in the second sentence.

    "a robed Zelosian slowly walk into his premises."
    Generally speaking, you walk onto premises, not into premises. Alternately, you walk into buildings and establishments. Premises, however, specifically refer to the land that is owned (and you don’t walk into land, but, rather, onto land).

    "Blood carver"
    Carver should be capitalized in addition to Blood as it’s part of the species proper name.

    “I have no idea what i’m doing in this useless place, this is all garbage. But I want a good speeder, something far superior to your loose standards.”
    Capitalization on “I’m”. Also needs a period between “this useless place” and “this is all garbage”.

    "The body was covering a very complex engine and the handles were covered in many different buttons Mr. Green didn’t understand.

    ‘It’s easy, you imbecile, the outer left button is the ignition, the central left is the headlights, the lever at the bottom right is the acceleration and the scroll bar on the right handle is the clutch.’ Ku directed his hand towards the areas as Green slowly nodded in reply, then handing the old blood carver a case of credits."

  4. I think you meant cloth? Either that, Ku has mysterious opened the hatch without Sjl seeing him do so, or Sjl can see through metal with his x-ray vision.

  5. How does Ku know that Sjl doesn’t know how to pilot it? He hasn’t said anything, and you haven’t indicated any sort of action that would convey his ignorance.

  6. “then handing” should be “handed”. You have a tendency to mix up your verb tenses.

    "The clean aroma of pine and bleach surrounded his senses, as well as the prominent scent of leather. He looked inside as he shut the door, and was greeted by the hooked, alluring grin of a well toned and busty woman with raven hair."
    I love the imagery here. Great job!

“Yes I am Madam, I need a formal wear for my evening event in two days, i’m sure you can help me slip into something.”

  1. When addressing someone, you want to put a comma between the statement and the address.

  2. This is a run-on sentence. It should actually be three separate statements.

  3. Take some time and consider how people speak to each other naturally. Sjl tells her “I need a formal wear for my evening event”. The problems here are:

    1. People don’t say “a formal wear”, they say “some formal wear” or just “formal wear”.
    2. He tells her “my evening event”, as if already expecting her to be intimately familiar with his schedule (and thus know which evening event must be his evening event).
      In this case, the sentence should read: “Yes I am, Madam. I need formal wear for an evening event in two days. I’m sure you can help me slip into something.”

    "Minutes past and Mr. Green walked out…"
    Use “passed” to indicate a passage of time and “past” to indicate that something happened previously.

    "Seconds past and Green could feel his vision spin and his breathing became harder, then he dropped his glass and returned to the black."
    I’m extremely puzzled as to what happened here. You commented earlier in the paragraph that he’s not even drunk at present, then, before he can so much as take another drink, he passes out. It doesn’t appear that he was poisoned or fatigued, so why is he passing out?

    "Green followed, towing his speeder with his hands."
    Speeders are roughly the size of a car (sometimes larger). How is he towing the speeder with his hands? And how did he get it off the lot without gas? And why does he walk away with the speeder in tow after filling it up, instead of driving away?