A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

[July Pilot] Contract 020: Lexiconus - Recon, B-Class

RowenaMagnuri

ACB Contract Offices
Lower Levels, Arcona Citadel
Estle City, Selen

The Prelate had just returned to his office and walked through the doorway when he caught sight of a familiar figure seated before his desk. “Congratulations on your promotion, Knight Lexiconus.”

“Thank you,” the Togruta replied quietly, watching as the Assassin took a seat and drew a cigarette, quickly lighting the cylindrical object before exhaling smoke.

“Let us get to business, shall we? You’re beginning to make a name for yourself in these offices. And you’re definitely not here for a social call. What can I interest you in?” Celevon asked, flicking a bit of ash off the end into the shallow glass on his desk.

“Something I haven’t done before, though… I would like it to be a bit more difficult if possible,” the Krath said, his hand absently straying to the gleaming hilt clipped to his side.

“Your lightsaber is still there, kid. It’s not a dream,” the Onderonian drawled with a small, amused smile. As he sifted through the holodisks on his desk, the Obelisk continued on. “Before long you will be so accustomed to the weight that you will forget it’s there. Ah! This one will do.”

The Inquisitor caught the holodisk and activated it, his crimson gaze quickly taking in the information.

Mission: Recon, B-Class
Target: Chuck’aar Enterprises, Estle City
Specifics: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to provide intelligence on the security detail that works this location, including the built-in security parameters visible from outside. Under no circumstances are you to attempt entry. It goes without saying that you should avoid arousing suspicion.
Suspected Resistance: Unknown; it is your job to get that information to us.

“This sounds like fun,” Lexiconus grinned, a small hint of his elongated canines visible. “Could you give me any more detail? On the intelligence needed, that is.”

“Patterns in the security: what time they switch shifts, how much attention they pay to outsiders. Is there a roving patrol? Are they dressed like the rest of the security or are they disguised as civilians? Things like that,” Celevon explained, taking a drag off of his cigarette. “Let me know when you’ve finished.”.

Qor

After Lexiconus received his orders from the Onderonian in the form of the datapad, like a ship in hyperspace he sped from the office in eagerness to begin. Judging from the sure expression of pride and exhilaration on his face, Lex clearly overlooked the possibility of failure. The Togruta proceeded from the main Arcona Citadel and towards his swoop and dropped his weight onto the firm seat as he sat on it. He proceeded to flip the data pad into both of his hands, they were trembling, sweating and hot and for some reason he could not wipe the smile from his face. He powered up the datapad and began to read.


Mission: Reconnaissance, report all security protocols and personnel.
Target: Chucknaar Enterprises, Estle City
Resistance: Unknown, do not enter the complex or arouse suspicion.

With so little detail, Lexiconus wondered what he could gain in order to complete this mission, and how could he improve his abilities from mere observations. Quizzed by the thoughts of a secret and covert mission handed to him, the Inquisitor hopped onto the bike and proceeded to fire up the engines, then raced out the main security gate of the citadel. In the process of this new journey, Lex’s curiosity strayed to the background of Chucknaar Enterprises, to Lex it was logical that the name derived from a single leader, and to him this leader was often to be corrupted by credits and empowerment.

The sky above Estle City’s industrial district melted from an orange hue to a light gray on top of red. The weather in this area was beginning to change as Lex’s built-in Barometer told him rain was imminent. After he felt rather dull from the expectation of rain, Lexiconus decided to pull into the service alley behind the Estle City Warehouse, which was built two blocks from Chucknaar Enterprises. He was not fond of the citizens touching his swoop, and the thought of sitting on a wet seat tore at his very sanity. Once Lex entered the warehouse, he cruised the swoop to the east metal wall, then turned back behind a stack of metal crates, once he parked his swoop against this collection the Togruta grabbed the dusty cloth above and dragged it over the powered down swoop.

Lexiconus had never noticed this business before, although he had entered the industrial district of Estle City many times, the Chucknaar Enterprises did not yield an advertising look. Walking out of the warehouse and slowly making his way two blocks down, Lex carefully used the Force to pinpoint the street-light circuits and cut the power, making darkness every twenty feet. The sly Togruta cunningly slithered against the high wall that sat on the east side of one block down, he peered slowly around the corner and detected many floodlights surrounding and shining in a bright orange tint. The thought of patrolling the nectarine coloured complex gave him nightmares and he began to rub his eye in irritation.

Collectively in his conscience, he could feel a cautious presence nearby, like a knock to the back of the head he could not tell which direction yet he could feel something incoming. A mild case of paranoia began to envelope Lex’s mind as he tried to count the patrols and how many there were, and a hunch like logical thought expanded into his mind.

Check their belts.

As he did so, he would clearly see the silver chrome of secretive blasters, likely designed with one use and to kill.

Move and yer’ dead, punk.

The cold, sharp metal muzzle of the chrome blaster was pressed heavily against the base of his skull, they were clearly trained for a quick kill to know this area. Lex felt a pin prick into his neck and he collapsed.

What felt like hours but according to the clock on the unknown desk was just over 40 minutes, the drained and wheezy Togruta coughed himself awake and forced his eyes open, to see the smug expression of two Humans clad in engineer overalls, who looked over his newly polished lightsaber and datapad. His hands felt numb but his wrists were in exhilarating pain from some rough binding, as he knocked his knuckles against his back to check they were indeed still there.

But I want to stay, i’ve had enough of intruders! The younger human said, oblivious that Lex was indeed awake.

You’ve ‘ad twelve hours in shift, mate. Get yer’ ‘ead down and come back ‘morrow for yer’ review. The husky-toned Human ordered, which the younger human did not question then turned to leave.

As he did, Lex’s furious eyes leered up at him and the male gave a smug grin. He launched his fist right into the Togruta’s cheekbone, the knockback caused the restraining chair to fly onto its back and Lex sprayed a crimson fan across the Human’s face and the wall. With no regret the smug Human left and the older male chuckled in his husky tone, gripping Lex’s shoulder and tugged him up.

Well, the Sith is awake huh? Haven’t seen your kind in years. What yer’ doin’ on Estle boy? An’ why yer’ lookin’ at me’ company? The Human said, as he began to light up a thick death-stick and puff away into Lex’s face.

Lex continued to give a glare at the man, not uttering a word, and focused solely on the Human’s health with the Force. He gathered his concentration more, locking onto the male’s mind and begun to feed a small affliction from smoking death-sticks, he begun to fertilise the toxins, reproduce the cancerous cells and spark life into mutated organs of the body. The result began to take effect, as the Human’s face turned pale before dropping the death-stick and clutching his chest in agony. Wounded and at the mercy of the Force, he dropped to his knees and the Inquisitor broke his concentration he stood and turned himself, then called his lightsaber back to his hand and cut his binding with the emerald blade. With a small smirk emerging the Human’s face as Lex stood above with fury and the absence of temperance, he spluttered at his Krath robe.

Murder has no honour for those who dwell in covetousness.

I do not wish anything of yours, but your material. The Krath uttered, and then pierced the Human’s neck with his lightsaber.

With a pressured haste and limited fury, Lexiconus ran out of the small room towards the exiting Human’s presence. He felt something alive was close, but the Dark Jedi was unsure if it were Human and with little time he had chosen to chase the trace regardless of slim chances. With his ankle sprained and with a trail of blood, Lex limped out into what appeared to be the same warehouse he parked in and saw in the distance the young Human male whistling and wandering around. Now he felt more pressure and slight fear as he limped his way to where his swoop was placed, and constantly watched the male.

The clicking and ticking noise of the Human’s boots did not help his mentality as he grunted and limped closer to the small cloth shape in the distance. To the left of Lex was a crate that he thought useful for cover, and as the Human stopped at the gate to light a death-stick, Lex dared himself to continue his pace towards the ever growing covered swoop. The chance of hostility rose, his grunts became louder as he felt himself losing more blood from his ankle in the increasing heat that flowed down his bare foot. With everything to lose, Lex began a painful jog and bit his lip intensely to refuse himself giving another grunt or showing weakness. The horrifying journey was close to an end, continuing to jog and feel the harsh pressure of stretched muscle rigorously expand and contract as he finally made it to the swoop. He ripped the cloth off, jumped onto the saddle with a grunt and fired up the engines.

With great satisfaction and a snarl to himself, he speeded around the crate, then charged at the unsuspecting Human who was deeply engrossed in death-stick smoke. Unaware of his final demise but with the rumble of an engine in his ear, the Human stumbled around and forced himself to jump into the open gate of the warehouse, which the metal of the gate acted like a grate on vegetables against his face. With whip of his tail and a sudden stop which trapped the Human, Lex quickly twisted off the swoop and slammed his sprained foot into the Human’s neck.

The pain was worth it to hurt your pathetic body. The Inquisitor said to the Human, as he gripped his overall collar and dragged him up to meet face to face.

You broke my bloody hand you monster! Shrieked from the slightly angered Human who was clearly in pain.

Lex grinned with delight, and gripped the broken hand, then softly squeezed every two seconds as the Human resisted and tugged.

You’re not going anywhere without giving what I’m owed, meat bag. The proud Krath uttered to the squirming Human. He slammed a weak punch into Lex’s hip which forced Lex to squeeze the hand harder and slam the Human back into the gate again.

Do that again, and I’ll make sure you die here as a proud organ donor. Now tell me what I want and give me your security access. Lex ordered to the Human, a slowly twisting his broken hand backwards to increase pain and enjoyed the sound of clicking bone and crunched cartilage.

Gah! Alright you can have it, please stop…I’ll give you my supervisor’s code too, he’s the other one The fearful and cowering Human replied, which gave Lex a calm smile on his face as he let go and gave the Human his datapad.

Write down everything you know into this; rover patrols, security shifts, armoury, total security numbers, guests and policy to outsiders, oh and give me the name and location of the Chief of Security, where he lives and what he looks like. The Togruta continued to bark out orders as the young Human worked away feebly on the datapad. After giving the pad over, he looked at Lex with curiosity and fear of his next move.

W-what you gonna do now…? The Human asked, Lex then quickly ignited his emerald blade against the hip of the young human, which caused profuse bleeding.

Sorry, no survivors… The Inquisitor carefully raised his curled hand, aiming at the chest of the Human and repeatedly pressed down on it with the Force, eventually a rib cracked and the Human’s expression faded into time.

With a soft sigh, he sheathed the lightsaber and clipped it back onto his belt, then shoved the datapad into his pocket as he sat on the swoop and sped off. Once he reached the Arcona Citadel, he limped inside the building and pushed open the office door to the Onderonian. With a flick of his wrist, he threw the pad like a discus at his face and sighed.

I killed two innocent guards today, I hope the profit is worth it. Oh and you’ve now got blood on your floor. He then limped back out the office in satisfaction and to the AC Infirmary.

RowenaMagnuri

Grade: Needs Work


Though the story itself was entertaining at first, several things stood out to me. One such example is the complete and utter lack of quotations to indicate dialogue. The quality of your writing degenerated the longer you wrote before it finally stopped making sense. It looks like you rushed through this contract, in all honesty.

Because of this, you receive a grade of Needs Work. I know you can write far better than this, as I’ve seen you do so in previous contracts. I’m looking forward to seeing you checking out your next contract.

Mission: Reconnaissance, report all security protocols and personnel.
Target: Chucknaar Enterprises, Estle City

Throughout the story, you spell it as Chucknaar Enterprises. I wrote it as ‘Chuck’aar’.

With so little detail, Lexiconus wondered what he could gain in order to complete this mission, and how could he improve his abilities from mere observations. Quizzed by the thoughts of a secret and covert mission handed to him, the Inquisitor hopped onto the bike and proceeded to fire up the engines, then raced out the main security gate of the citadel.

One continuity error here. Before you wrote your own version of the holodisk my character used, you had your character hopping onto his speeder. Then, again, in this paragraph, you did the same.

Walking out of the warehouse and slowly making his way two blocks down, Lex carefully used the Force to pinpoint the street-light circuits and cut the power, making darkness every twenty feet.

I’m sorry, but I have to point out both a realism and a continuity error. First is the realism error. I cannot see your character being able to move, locate a circuit board then cut the power all at the same time. An Equite 2 may be able to do that whilst standing still, but not a Dark Jedi Knight. They would also need the corresponding electronics skill for this. I can guarantee that, having worked on electronics in the air condition business for over a year, I would have found it highly difficult to locate the main power wire without several months of training.

As far as the continuity error… you specifically described sunset in the paragraph before this one. How would this ‘make darkness every twenty feet’?

Collectively in his conscience, he could feel a cautious presence nearby, like a knock to the back of the head he could not tell which direction yet he could feel something incoming.

This is a run-on sentence. Or even a ‘run-away’ sentence. It looks good until just after the words ‘back of the head’. That’s where it runs away and looks like you’re rambling on.

As he did so, he would clearly see the silver chrome of secretive blasters, likely designed with one use and to kill.

First, I’ll point out the obvious realism error… If you want to conceal a weapon, chrome is the very last thing you want. That’s like trying to subtly sneak around with a neon sign on your head that says ‘look at me! I’m here!’.

Second, I will point out a major grammatical error. Actually, two: silver and chrome are the same thing. Then ‘likely designed with one use and to kill.’ It’s a blaster… their basic design is to kill. That’s the point of a gun. :stuck_out_tongue:

The cold, sharp metal muzzle of the chrome blaster was pressed heavily against the base of his skull, they were clearly trained for a quick kill to know this area.

The barrel of a gun is hardly going to be sharp. However, I wouldn’t expect you to know that considering that you’re from the UK. ‘Metal’ and further describing the ‘chrome’ is redundant.

‘-they were clearly trained for a quick kill to know this area.’ <- Who proofread this? They are security. It’s their job to know their area. And that further has nothing to do with them being trained.

His hands felt numb but his wrists were in exhilarating pain from some rough binding, as he knocked his knuckles against his back to check they were indeed still there.

I’m going to assume you meant ‘excruciating/agonising pain’, unless your character is a masochist. In which case, ignore this bit.

You’ve ‘ad twelve hours in shift, mate. Get yer’ ‘ead down and come back ‘morrow for yer’ review. The husky-toned Human ordered, which the younger human did not question then turned to leave.

on shift. And grammatical error. You seem to be going from writing well to degenerating back to poor writing.

As he did, Lex’s furious eyes leered up at him and the male gave a smug grin. He launched his fist right into the Togruta’s cheekbone, the knockback caused the restraining chair to fly onto its back and Lex sprayed a crimson fan across the Human’s face and the wall. With no regret the smug Human left and the older male chuckled in his husky tone, gripping Lex’s shoulder and tugged him up.

Okay… how the hell does someone’s quote “furious eyes leer up” at someone? Again, your writing is degenerating the longer I read. Due to this, I will just go ahead and skip to the end.

I killed two innocent guards today, I hope the profit is worth it. Oh and you’ve now got blood on your floor. He then limped back out the office in satisfaction and to the AC Infirmary.

All I have to ask here… What infirmary? The AC’B’ does not have one, since we’re a contract office. Not to mention the fact that we’re Force users that pretty much heal themselves.