A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

[July Pilot] Contract 021: Kanis - Assassination, B-Class

RowenaMagnuri

On Behalf of Sight

Kanis inserted the chip into his datapad that his Battleteam leader, Adam Bolera, had handed him with a weird look. The DIA emblem flashed briefly followed by the Emblem for the Office of the Shadow Lord. The datapad’s screen flashed twice then went blank before blue letters began to scroll across the screen.

Encrypted File
Applying decryption
Sound File: Play = True

“Templar Kanis Da’uul, the Office of the Shadow Lord requests that you take on the task set before you in this document. Upon completion of this task report to the Office of the Shadow Lord. Good Hunting Templar.”

Sound File End = True
Unlock Data File = True
Display Data File = True

Greetings Templar,

You have been assigned the important task of removing a threat to our security, the targets name is Talvish Kintro. Talvish has been identified as an individual who has recently remotely hacked into certain sensitive files in possession of the DIA. You are to locate and dispatch of this individual as quietly as possible. Talvish’s last know location was boarding the cargo freighter Lindrin while it was docked on Selen. We need not remind you that this is NOT to be tied back to us in any way.

Dossier file open = true

Name: Talvish Kintro
Age: 30
Race: Human
Gender: Male
Skin: White, lightly tanned
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Green
Distinguishing Marks: Thick black line tattooed horizontally across his face from the bottom of his ear lobes and across the bridge of his nose.
Height: 5’ 6”
Weight: 160 lbs
Skills of note: Telekinesis +4, Absorb +4, Supress +3, Slicing +4, Primary lightsaber form +4, Primary Martial arts form +3, Explosives +3

Lightsaber Form: Vapaad
Martial Arts Form: Echani

Biography: Talvish Kintro was once a Jedi Knight but left his order due to unknown circumstances. Since then he has only surfaced briefly while performing intelligence gathering activities. His observed actions have led the DIA to assume that Talvish no longer adheres to the path of the light side. It is a possibility that Talvish is a Sentinel under deep cover. The DIA estimates Talvish’s abilities to be comparable to somewhere inbetween one of our EQ1 and EQ2 ranks.

Close all Files = True

LivanaAgrona

Kanis paced back and forth, just half an hour before he had read his mission details, but one specific thing bothered him. His target was last seen boarding a Cargo Ship that was docked on Selen. By now the ship was either gone, or would be gone by the time he could get there. “Kark!” he shouted.

“What’s the matter, flyboy?” Maa’ka asked, now leaning against a nearby door frame.

“Can’t really say…. one of those ‘if I told you I’d probably have to kill you’ things.” he muttered, still frustrated by his current situation.

The Mando slowly walked up to him and gently kissed his cheek as she wrapped her arms around his neck. She looked up staring deeply into his eyes. “Then don’t tell me.” she said giggling.

“You aren’t making this easy for me you know…” he groaned placing his hands on her hips.

“I’m supposed to make it easy?” she asked, still smiling.

“Well you definitely aren’t supposed to be an ass about it.” he said knitting his eyebrows.

“The look on your face says it’s something big, and your mood says that you can’t get there without my help… So you’re going to need my help…” she said as she released him and returned to her normal posture.

“Got an assassination mission from the higher ups… Talvish Kintro just boarded a cargo freighter that was recently docked on Selen. If I read it right the term recently means it’s not there anymore, now things get more fun. We’ll need to take your ship; and if possible, sneak onto the cargo freighter. Now, this can be done one of two ways: we can hack their sensor array so that we won’t come up on radar, and then land on top and find some way into the ship-” he stopped after being interrupted by the Mandalorian.

“Look. I’ll tell you now, I don’t think I really have the tech to be able to slice at that distance. I know I’m good at a terminal, but there are just somethings that can’t be done with limited hardware. And for me slicing isn’t a full time job; it’s just a favoured pastime that I just happen to be good at. Time to throw out a different plan.” she said, folding her arms across her chest.

“We find out where the ship is going to dock next and we board it there, before our target can escape.” he suggested.

“Sounds like a plan, I’ll scour the holonet and see what I can pull up. What is the name of the ship?” she asked sweetly.

“Lindrin.” he replied almost immediately.

“Great, I’ll check Selen’s records, find out what ships were there, and what company owns what. From there, I’ll work a little magic and nab the docking schedule for the Lindrin, and get back to you. Check your datapad for updates.” she said confidently.

“I can’t thank you enough Maa’ka.” Kanis started to say before she shushed him.

“By the time you’re done needing my help… You will owe me your existence, flyboy; that is, if you don’t already. Now go.” she teased.

Kanis nodded and slowly made his way out of the apartment, he stretched and looked around before slowly proceeding down the street towards his usual meetup, the Sarlacc. The Templar slowly donned his hood as he rounded a corner, the Pride of Corellia was not a necessarily beautiful place and Kanis couldn’t wait until he moved onto Apex’s new base of operations. Although, he would miss the Sarlacc and all its drinks; however, he wouldn’t have to deal with the bartender bugging him about his excessive tab.

The scene changed from an ominous, murky scene to a somewhat well-kempt tourist exchange full of figures hurrying around. Jerem Plaza: the busiest place of the Entirety of Port Ol’Val. Kanis shoved through groups of tourists who either shoved at him or shouted hollow threats. The Templar’s temper boiled; however, he kept his mouth shut as he made his way to the Cantina. It had been a year since he’d walked in alone. In fact it took him back to the old days, when he was of low prestige in the Brotherhood, granted he was still low on the chain. So all in all nothing had really changed since then.

The Dark Jedi slowly walked into the cantina, he took in a deep breath as he breached the smoke filled air. “Ah… Good to be back!” he said stretching his arms out as he proceeded deeper within the establishment.

“You were just here yesterday, Kanis!” The barkeep shouted over to him. “And I’m still waiting on that tab!”

“Yeah, yeah.” Kanis said waving dismissively as he tossed a chip to the bartender.

“‘Bout time.” the barkeep grumbled as he caught the chip.

“Oh… and next time you send some thugs after me…” Kanis whispered. “Be sure they get job done, or at least don’t tell me who sent them and why, because if I find out you have the balls to send men after me.” he said slowly approached the bar. “I’ll go far out of my way to make sure you don’t have any balls at all… got it?” he announced as he unsheathed the fang and pointed the blade towards the Barkeeps groin.

“Y-yeah…whatever you say, chief.” the bartender muttered, stuttering only lightly.

“Good, good… Then we should have no problem.” Kanis said chuckling as he slowly turned around and walked to his usual table. He then waved one of the waitresses over.

A young looking Corellian woman scurried over to his table, she stared down at the Coruscanti and raised an eyebrow. “What’ll it be?” she asked, pulling out a small datapad.

“Bring me a bottle of the best local rum you’ve got.” Kanis said as he leaned back in his chair, the waitress nodded and turned around as she scurried away, The Dark Jedi figured he’d close his eyes for a few minutes as he waited on his beverage. As he closed his eyes, he thought back to the Crusade. He thought about a lot of things, and it wasn’t long before a loud clank jarred him. The waitress had sat the bottle down on the table and had since sat across from him, resting her elbows on the table as she laid her chin atop her hands.

Kanis leaned forward and grabbed his bottle of rum. “What?” he asked, glaring at the woman as he put the rim of the bottle to his lips, knocking his head back as he began to chug the hot liquid.

“Oh nothing, it’s just I have seen you and your group around here a lot. You… interest me.” she started, but was quickly cut off by Kanis.

“Oh no you don’t, last time a woman told me that I got stuck with a bipolar Mandalorian…” he said, trailing off.

“Is that so?” she asked removing her chin from atop her hands.

“Yes… Look, I know what you’re trying to do, what you’re looking for, and I will warn you now: you won’t find it here.” he said raising an eyebrow.

“Well, whenever you change your mind… I’ll be here.” she said, slowly standing up. She turned around and began walking away. Kanis shook his head and took another chug from his bottle. He leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling. The Dark Jedi sat there, just staring for what felt like hours, and he wasn’t quite sure he hadn’t dozed off every now and then. Kanis was roused by the sound of his datapad beeping something fierce; the Templar grabbed for the pad and quickly unlocked it, and to his surprise it was yet another encrypted file, and he set the program to decrypt.

Encrypted File
Applying Decryption
Sound File Play = True

“Hey flyboy, was able to dig something up, you may want to see this. It’ll definitely make you happy.”

Sound File End = True
Unlock Data File = True

Kanis tapped the icon on his screen labeled, Display Data File. Upon doing so, he was greeted by a group of handy information. The first thing he saw was a picture of the Lindrin, followed by a report which read:

Okay so here’s what I dug up, the Lindrin recently disembarked from Selen. Now I know that you already know that; however I now know something you don’t… The Freighter is scheduled to dock on Eldar, a planet rich with resources. If it’s headed there, that means it’s getting ready for a pick up. The planet’s terrain is mainly forests and plains so we have good grounds for ambush if your target tries to run, which they always do. If he does run he won’t get too far. Now here’s where it gets tricky; if my information is correct Eldar isn’t a non-inhabited planet, something about the Shogunate of Tao Feng keeps coming up, they may be an issue in direct conflict should any such thing arise, mass murder is never really a good thing when it comes to these kinds of jobs. It’s usually best to get in and get the hell out as fast as you can.

Now I have discovered that the Freighter will be docking outside of a city, so we have that to our advantage, I suggest using the forest for any open conflict between you and your target, now these are just suggestions… something to think about. We’ll be following your plan to the end. I’ll have the Star prepped and ready to go when you’re ready to embark on this mission.

-End of Message

Kanis locked his datapad and slipped it away, he stretched and slowly stood up. He began to walk out of the cantina. His target destination was the Ducts; it had been a short while since he’d ventured through the somewhat vast network of tunnels that connected the Jerem Plaza to the Docks. Almost each time he’d ventured said tunnels he’d had confrontation with the homeless citizens of the port.

The Dark Jedi slowly proceeded into the network. He passed many barrel based bonfires that sat in the nooks of the tunnels. He was approached on multiple occasions, but each time he would shove the beggars away. Only on one occasion did one of them pull a knife on him, but the situation was quickly defused when Kanis drew and ignited his lightsaber spinning the hilt in a loose grip. The trip didn’t take far too long, and before Kanis knew it, he was standing before the Black Star. Maa’ka had taken up post next to the ship with her datapad, she seemed to be talking to someone.

“Rose, you’re sure that we’re running on a full tank.” she asked as she scrolled through multiple instances of information about the ship’s status.

“Yes, Captain. I have checked the fuel levels at least fifty times, though I will gladly check fifty more if you so request.” spoke a voice from her datapad.

Maa’ka sighed. “No, Rose, I think fifty times is enough thank you.”

Kanis stretched. “You sure we have enough fuel?” he taunted.

Maa’ka didn’t look up from her datapad, but she smiled, “Well, well… Look who decided to show up.” she said in return fire.

“So, are the rumors true… Is she ready to fly?” he asked sarcastically.

Maa’ka glanced up from her datapad. “Just about…” she said almost proudly.

After running her last few scans, Maa’ka nodded to Kanis, “She’s ready.” The Mandalorian then dropped the ship’s cargo loading ramp, and the two quietly proceeded up it and into the medium sized starship. The ramp slowly pulled up behind them, and a soft clank sounded as the ramp battened down to seal them in.

The lights in the ship’s cargo bay flickered to life, neatly stacked crates were pushed up against the walls and into corners. Kanis and Maa’ka slowly strode across the cargo bay and out the door into an almost narrow hallway which branched off into different rooms on their way to the front of the ship. “Wow!” Kanis exclaimed, “You’ve really fixed this place up, well not that it really needed any fixing to begin with.”

“Yes, I had cleaned this place up just a little… It was starting to bother me.” she admitted.

“How good is your Hyperdrive?” Kanis asked after a moment’s pause.

“Hopefully good enough to get us there before the Cargo Freighter leaves….” she said, pausing in front of a sealed Bulkhead. She looked up. “Uhm Rose… Care to let us in?” she asked.

“My apologies Captain.” a female’s voice said in an apologetic tone. Not too soon after that, the bulkhead slid open and the pair proceeded down yet another narrow hallway and up a set of stairs. Soon enough they were in the ship’s cockpit.

“It’s been a while since I have seen the inside of the Star.” Kanis admitted as he looked around the room, he slowly walked passed Maa’ka and took his seat in the Co-pilot’s chair. Maa’ka soon took her seat in the Pilot’s chair and began messing with the flight controls before her. “Alright Rose, fire up the main engines.” she commanded.

“Igniting afterburners by your command Captain.” Rose stated.

The ship rattled slightly as the afterburners came to life, a hot blue flame flickered and the ship slowly began to rise up blowing asteroid dust off of the shelf, Maa’ka slowly rotated the ship. The Black Star’s nose was now pointed to the mouth of the Kas Tunnel. “Fingers crossed everybody, let’s hope we make it through.” she said with a determined smile.

Kanis folded his arms across his chest. “It’s like a death sentence when you want to enter the shadow port.” he said shrugging.

“But being the wonderful Pilot I am-” Maa’ka stated, before being cut off by Kanis.

“There goes that ego again.” he teased.

“Hush… Entering Kas Tunnel.” She announced.

The ride from there was quiet, gut wrenching almost. The winding tunnels were filled with the wreckages of ships, some seemed more fresh than others. After a successful navigation, the Star pulled out of the Kas Tunnel. The vast frontier unfolded before them, stars burned against the blackness of the void which they inhabited. “Setting course for Eldar.” Maa’ka stated, “Sit back, it will be a good minute before we get to our target location.

Eldar, Just outside the mining Facility.

The star slowly lowered to Eldar’s surface, the afterburners lightly scorching the grass. The mining Facility was less than a mile away, and to make things better, the Lindrin had just landed. Kanis got up from the Co-Pilot’s seat and stretched, “Alright, we have one shot at this, let’s try not to fuck it up.” he stated almost matter-of-factly.

“Tch!” Maa’ka exclaimed as she made her way to the makeshift armory in the cargo bay, it was there that she retrieved her Mk. 382 Barracuda, a custom, high-focused blaster rifle. She rummaged around some more and pulled out a flechette launcher; Kanis began checking his gear. It had been a good little while since he’d had to properly prepare himself, seeing as this was his first mission since the ending of the last phase of the Dark Crusade.

“Ready to roll.” Maa’ka said turning to the Dark Jedi.

Kanis nodded as he clipped his lightsaber hilt back onto his belt, the Mandalorian slowly proceeded over to the door controls and keyed the release, Light filled the cargo bay as the door slowly lowered turning into a ramp. The sunlight was near blinding, Kanis shielded his eyes placing his forearm just above his eyes. Maa’ka squinted and slowly dropped her helmet over her head, at first there was only blackness, but like a terminal screen the image of what lay before her came in slowly. Her HUD flickered to life and she turned to Kanis. “Let’s try to be out of here within an hour, anything longer and it may seem suspicious…” she muttered before slowly proceeding down the ramp.

Kanis sighed and donned his hood, the black material drew the sun away from his eyes, as he proceeded down the ramp and across the grassy plain, Maa’ka fell in behind him giving the motif of an escort. Within minutes, both the Lindrin and the Mining Facility were in view. The duo stopped as a figure appeared from around a storage container, he leaned up against it and began fishing around in his pocket. Kanis stared long and hard for a moment, but he was too far away to make anything of him. “Maa’ka, scope him out… What do you see?” he asked.

The Mando drew her sniper and gently rested the cheek of her helmet on the cheek pad of the rifle, she stared down range for a good moment before she began barking details.

“Looks to be thirty years of age… White… pretty sure he has a light tan, Brown hair, green eyes…looks like he’s got a thick black line tattooed horizontally across his face from the bottom of his ear lobes and across the bridge of his nose…” Kanis had heard enough by this point.

“Talvish…” he hissed.

“I’ve got a clear shot…” Maa’ka announced.

“No… He’s mine.” Kanis muttered, he then broke away from the Mandalorian.

Talvish slowly pulled out a small pack of cigarettes, he then fished around for his lighter. He slowly looked up as a shadow was cast upon him, that’s when he spotted the slim, armor clad figure standing before him.

“Talvish Kintro?” Kanis asked.

“Depends on who’s asking…” he replied, still fishing for his lighter.

“A friend…” Kanis muttered, trying to play it cool.

Talvish began laughing, “Funny kid… I don’t have any friends… Try again…”

The right corner of Kanis’ mouth turned up as a smug grin crossed his face, “Alright… The Jedi Order sent me…” he admitted, but Talvish didn’t seem to be buying any of it.

“Look kid, we could be going back and forth all day, or you could just get to the point.” He said, having given up on finding his lighter.

Maa’ka continued to watch the events through the scope of her Barracuda. Her finger would often grace the trigger; however, she would always return it to the outside of the trigger guard.

Kanis swiftly unsheathed the Fang, he drove it towards Talvish’s stomach, the male spun away from the attack and quickly drew his lightsaber. The Obelisk cursed, “Let’s do this Talvish, for today you die by my hand!” Kanis shouted.

Talvish laughed, “Me… die by your hand? Kid I’m going to feel sorry for killing you, reason being you are the only person that has been able to make me laugh this hard in a very long time…”

Kanis drew his lightsaber and spun the hilt as he activated his saber, Talvish and Kanis leapt at each other at around the same time, a loud crack sounded as the two blades collided. The Templar hissed, “Just lay down and die! It’ll be less painful that way.”

“What ever you say, kid.” Talvish quickly dropped his left hand down and sent a blast of force energy at Kanis’ mid-section, the blast threw Kanis back giving his opponent some breathing room.

The two began to circle each other like wild beasts, Kanis spun his saber as he locked his eyes on Kintro.

The Templar charged at Kintro and slashed his saber down at the man’s left shoulder, naturally Kintro slashed his saber to intercept; however Kanis thrust his left palm out and sent a blast of force energy that knocked Kintro’s hand back. The human used the momentum of the force energy to throw himself into a spin dodging the azure blade belonging to the Obelisk. Kanis cursed himself for almost throwing the mission by leaving lightsaber burns on his opponent, he threw himself into a defensive stance and spat at the ground as he looked at Talvish.

“I may have underestimated your talent child, but now it’s time we end this little game.” he said as he reinforced his hold on his hilt.

Kanis spun the fang in his left hand, he sighed and ran multiple scenarios through his head, but he didn’t have enough time, Kintro launched at him like a rocket. Loud cracks and zaps sounded each time their blades met, Kanis dropped his right arm and bent his knees and spun around as Talvish lunged again, to the human’s surprise the Templar threw his back into his chest reaching around with his left arm he placed the fang to Kintro’s back and pulled it swiftly, cutting through both synthweave and skin. Kintro howled in pain and Kanis used the opening he was granted, deactivated his lightsaber clipping it back to his belt and punched his opponent in the throat. Blood squirted from just above Kintro’s kidney’s as he gasped for air. “Yes… Let us end this…” Kanis said as he dodged his opponent’s frantic swipes, during the last swipe Kanis stabbed the fang into the pressure point atop his opponents hand causing him to release his lightsaber, the now deactivated hilt dropped to the ground and Kanis ripped the blade from within Talvish’s hand. He smirked and thrust his palm out impacting Kintro’s chest, as he did so a small spark of force energy emitted from his hand traveling on a direct circuit to Kintro’s heart, which stopped beating soon after. Kanis wasted not a moment, he began the slow and tedious process of skinning his target, making sure to leave all the skin and hair on his target’s head after the painstaking process. Kanis cut off Talvish’s head with his knife and bagged it.

Antei Contract Bureau, Main office.
1800 hours
38 ABY

Kanis slowly proceeded into the main office as a rancid stench followed. This of course began turning heads, the look that the Dark Jedi wore was one of triumph, he held his head high as he approached Sight.

The Pontifex stared at Kanis then at the bag, “What is that stench?” he asked.

“That would be Talvish.” Kanis replied coolly, “Which leads me to my next question… Who do I give this to?” he asked pulling Kintro’s head out of the bag by it’s hair. The stench intensified.

Sight sighed, “I’ll take it from here.”

Kanis nodded and put the head back in the bag tying it off, he then passed it to the Krath Pontifex.

The Obelisk turned around and quietly left the room after the hand-off, he then smiled as he disappeared around a corner, his work was done.

RowenaMagnuri

Grade: Needs Work - 1 Point


Your post had numerous errors spread throughout, be they grammatical, continuity or realism. I am happy to say that you had no real spelling errors whatsoever. Whilst I enjoyed the idea behind the way you carried out your mission, it almost looks like you rushed through it. And that’s not mentioning how you jumped from what’s clearly one sentence into another without separation with a period kept distracting me… the flow also could use work. Because of all of these, I must unfortunately grade this as Needs Work.

Overall, I would say your writing shows great promise. With proofreading done and some more attention to detail shown, I could easily see you scoring between a Satisfactory or Excellent with this one. I look forward to seeing you request more contracts in future to improve your writing.

Also… might I suggest having a read of the Lightsaber forms you’re writing? From an ACC standpoint, I can see you getting marked down for the actual combat writing. Not bad though. As I said, I look forward to seeing you request more contracts in the future.

Kanis paced back and forth, just half an hour before he had read his mission details, but one specific thing bothered him. His target was last seen boarding a Cargo Ship that was docked on Selen. By now the ship was either gone, or would be gone by the time he could get there. “Kark!” he shouted.

The way this reads is confusing. It looks as though you’re talking about something happening a half hour before your character received the mission details. Also, the use of different languages is usually denoted via italics. Just a note for future reference. :slight_smile:

Further note: I must point out a continuity error. Here you state that ‘it meant the ship was either gone or would be by the time he got there’. Not much further into your post, your character said ‘I take recently to mean ‘it wasn’t there anymore’. Small things like this interrupt your audience and make them scroll up to read it again.

“What’s the matter, flyboy?” Maa’ka asked, now leaning against a nearby door frame.

Since you have no previous posts, I have to ask… Where was she leaning before? In future, remove ‘now’. :stuck_out_tongue:

“Can’t really say…. one of those ‘if I told you I’d probably have to kill you’ things.” he muttered, still frustrated by his current situation.

Also, in future… if you’re going to write a dialogue like this and continue it with something like ‘he muttered, use a comma to separate the dialogue from said action. I notice that you repeat this throughout your post.

“Then don’t tell me.” she said giggling.

“Then don’t tell me,” she giggled.

“You aren’t making this easy for me you know…” he groaned placing his hands on her hips.

Grammatical error. Comma usually would go after ‘groaned’.

“The look on your face says it’s something big, and your mood says that you can’t get there without my help… So you’re going to need my help…” she said as she released him and returned to her normal posture.

What ‘normal posture’? It helps if you actually write out these things. :slight_smile:

“Look. I’ll tell you now, I don’t think I really have the tech to be able to slice at that distance. I know I’m good at a terminal, but there are just somethings that can’t be done with limited hardware. And for me slicing isn’t a full time job; it’s just a favoured pastime that I just happen to be good at. Time to throw out a different plan.” she said, folding her arms across her chest.

“-I know I’m good at a terminal, but there are some things that cannot be done with limited hardware.-”

“Lindrin.” he replied almost immediately.

Names of ships are italicised.

“I can’t thank you enough Maa’ka.” Kanis started to say before she shushed him.

How can he be starting to say it when he actually said it? 0.o

Kanis nodded and slowly made his way out of the apartment, he stretched and looked around before slowly proceeding down the street towards his usual meetup, the Sarlacc. The Templar slowly donned his hood as he rounded a corner, the Pride of Corellia was not a necessarily beautiful place and Kanis couldn’t wait until he moved onto Apex’s new base of operations. Although, he would miss the Sarlacc and all its drinks; however, he wouldn’t have to deal with the bartender bugging him about his excessive tab.

I’ve noticed errors here that you continually make throughout your writing. For example, the first sentence of this paragraph:

Kanis nodded and slowly made his way out of the apartment, he stretched and looked around before slowly proceeding down the street towards his usual meetup, the Sarlacc.

You start out just fine. Then you have what looks like it should be the start of a new sentence follow up as a continuation of that very same sentence, which is highly confusing. You then write how he’s ‘slowly’ making his way twice in that sentence. The second ‘slowly’ is both unnecessary and redundant, interrupting the flow of the story, which makes the reader lose interest in what’s happening. Also, there should be a colon rather than a comma before ‘the Sarlacc’. An example of how I would write this:

Kanis nodded and stretched before slowly making his way out of the apartment. He paused to look around before proceeding on towards his usual hangout: the Sarlacc.

The Dark Jedi slowly walked into the cantina, he took in a deep breath as he breached the smoke filled air. “Ah… Good to be back!” he said stretching his arms out as he proceeded deeper within the establishment.

… Why is your character going into a cantina when he could be searching for leads on his target?

“Oh… and next time you send some thugs after me…” Kanis whispered. “Be sure they get job done, or at least don’t tell me who sent them and why, because if I find out you have the balls to send men after me.” he said slowly approached the bar. “I’ll go far out of my way to make sure you don’t have any balls at all… got it?” he announced as he unsheathed the fang and pointed the blade towards the Barkeeps groin.

First, I must point out a realism error here. If your character is whispering in a cantina, even one that is uncrowded, the bartender won’t hear you.

Second is a major grammatical detractor: he said slowly approached the bar. I would rephrase this as: me,” he said as he slowly approached the bar.

Finally, you refer to some kind of weapon that is not on your character sheet, nor is it on either of your wiki pages. You have two of those, by the way. :stuck_out_tongue: At this point, you speak of the weapon as though it were a dagger. Yet you have your character use it as a sword, then return to almost describing it as a dagger by the end of your post. Now I know that there are some references to the japanese naming katana’s ‘something’ fang… As you can guess, I’m completely confused here.

Either way ‘fang’ would be italicised since you’re referring to a personal weapon.

Kanis leaned forward and grabbed his bottle of rum. “What?” he asked, glaring at the woman as he put the rim of the bottle to his lips, knocking his head back as he began to chug the hot liquid.

Major realism error here… I’ve been in numerous bars throughout the southern US as that is the main venue where my bands have played in the past. If someone served me a glass of hot rum, I would have had a talk with the manager. I can understand it being room temperature at the very least.

“Rose, you’re sure that we’re running on a full tank.” she asked as she scrolled through multiple instances of information about the ship’s status.

Okay… I’ve noticed this several times throughout your post. For the record, this is not my taking points off for a misunderstanding of Star Wars technology. This is my pointing something out for future reference. I read up on datapads before I started writing my contract prompts and I just read the Wookieepedia page several times to make certain.

A datapad is essentially an iPad or tablet without wifi. It needs to either be hooked into a larger terminal to download information or have a datacard (think flash drive) inserted for said data. Going off of that, I don’t see any reference to it being used as a communicator.

Kanis folded his arms across his chest. “It’s like a death sentence when you want to enter the shadow port.” he said shrugging.

Since you are referring to a place, ‘Shadow Port’ should be capitalized.

“But being the wonderful Pilot I am-” Maa’ka stated, before being cut off by Kanis.

This is how you should write your character being cut-off in the midst of speaking.

Kanis nodded as he clipped his lightsaber hilt back onto his belt, the Mandalorian slowly proceeded over to the door controls and keyed the release, Light filled the cargo bay as the door slowly lowered turning into a ramp.

Okay… when did your character remove his lightsaber? And this is another example of you going on with an overly long run-on sentence where you clearly meant to have separate ones.

The Mando drew her sniper and gently rested the cheek of her helmet on the cheek pad of the rifle, she stared down range for a good moment before she began barking details.

She pulled a sniper out of nowhere and used him/her to look? I want those pockets… :stuck_out_tongue:

Kanis swiftly unsheathed the Fang, he drove it towards Talvish’s stomach, the male spun away from the attack and quickly drew his lightsaber. The Obelisk cursed, “Let’s do this Talvish, for today you die by my hand!” Kanis shouted.

Here you write ‘the Fang’ like it’s a sword. You also have a continuity error as earlier you wrote it ‘fang’. And in this same scene, you write it again in lower-case.

The human used the momentum of the force energy to throw himself into a spin dodging the azure blade belonging to the Obelisk.

Referring to the mystical field of energy that Force Users draw their power from should Always be capitalized.

-Loud cracks and zaps sounded each time their blades met, Kanis dropped his right arm and bent his knees and spun around as Talvish lunged again, to the human’s surprise the Templar threw his back into his chest reaching around with his left arm he placed the fang to Kintro’s back and pulled it swiftly, cutting through both synthweave and skin. Kintro howled in pain and Kanis used the opening he was granted, deactivated his lightsaber clipping it back to his belt and punched his opponent in the throat.

Blood squirted from just above Kintro’s kidney’s as he gasped for air. “Yes… Let us end this…” Kanis said as he dodged his opponent’s frantic swipes, during the last swipe Kanis stabbed the fang into the pressure point atop his opponents hand causing him to release his lightsaber, the now deactivated hilt dropped to the ground and Kanis ripped the blade from within Talvish’s hand. He smirked and thrust his palm out impacting Kintro’s chest, as he did so a small spark of force energy emitted from his hand traveling on a direct circuit to Kintro’s heart, which stopped beating soon after. Kanis wasted not a moment, he began the slow and tedious process of skinning his target, making sure to leave all the skin and hair on his target’s head after the painstaking process. Kanis cut off Talvish’s head with his knife and bagged it.

Hang on… I have to go through these two step-by-step, as the action here is so confusing. First off, both of your characters are humans (which should be capitalized, as it is a species in the DB). Second, again, I must insist on how confusing the action is. You did something that looks like stabbing your opponent somewhere in his back before punching him in the throat. And that’s not even mentioning your sentence that goes on for 60-odd words in the first paragraph shown above.

Now to the second of the above shown paragraph… there should be no apostrophe for ‘kidneys’, for starters.

‘Squirting blood’ sounds like arterial spray. Now if you had done this slice, you would have severed your target’s spine. At the very least, we’re talking instant paralysis and him hitting the ground. And nicking an artery is a very quick death.

Have you ever had a pinched nerve? It hurts worse than a root canal… Now imagine a knife going through said nerve cluster. Also, you didn’t capitalize ‘Force’ yet again.

Realistically, I don’t see this happening. It sounds like you used Force shock and made it travel to his heart. I cannot even see an Elder being capable of doing something with that amount of sheer control over their abilities.

And that’s not even mentioning the skinning-beheading… Just no. Gross. Beyond overkill. Not to mention how much time you would waste trying to cut his head off with a knife…

sets the bag on fire and walks off

Kanis nodded and put the head back in the bag tying it off, he then passed it to the Krath Pontifex.

As my last comment… Sight is a Krath Priest (Equite 1), which reads on his ID line as KP. What you wrote as his rank is Pontifex (KPN - Equite 4). I’m sure he will thank you for the unexpected triple promotion. :wink: