A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

[July Pilot] Contract 029: Lexiconus - Infiltration, B-Class

OccultanIacul

Sight was sitting on the floor, leaning against the back wall of his small office reading reports on his datapad when a soft knock came from the door.

“Get the door please, Lilly. I believe that is our 1500 appointment a bit early,” the Krath said without looking up. With a nod, the young Mandalorian woman crossed the small room and opened the door.

“Oh I’m sorry, I must have the wrong room,” Lexiconus said as he was trying to figure out who the woman was.

“You may enter Knight; Lilly please allow our young friend in,” the albino’s voice sounded from behind the woman.

“Yes sir,” the woman said and stepped to the side closing the door behind the Togruta.

“I have something for you to take care of,” the Kraith Priest said looking up at the younger member of his order. The Fade picked up a datapad from the pile in the corner of the office and handed it to the Knight. Nodding, Lexiconus powered on the device.

Power on
Encrypted Data Files Open
Authentication Required
Fingerprint Needed
Fingerprint Acceptable
Open Sound File

“Greetings Knight Lexiconus, the DIA and the Office of the Shadow Lord have requested that you travel to Kessel to infiltrate a small operation the Faust Weapons Corporation is running in Kessendra. Once inside you are to gather any valuable information and sabotage the machines. Our involvement must not be discovered in this matter, good hunting Knight.”

Close Sound File
Open Dossier File: Faust Weapons Corporation

Name: Faust Weapons Corporation
Business: Weapons Manufacture and Sales
Known Clients: The One Sith
Current Classification: Dangerous, destroy vessels on sight
Intel: The Faust Weapons Corporation has recently begun allowing One Sith security forces aboard its vessels and facilities. As such their current classification has changed from untrusted to dangerous, destroy vessels on sight.

Close Dossier File: Faust Weapons Corporation
Open DIA Report #005768943 - Kessendra

Our informants have given us information that the Faust Weapons Corporation has established a secret research and development facility upon Kessel in the settlement of Kessendra. The intel has led us to believe they are developing extremely dangerous bio-weapons in this facility. To further complicate the situation, the base is said to be guarded by a Geran One Sith Knight, and a Stennes Shifter One Sith Equite that is roughly the equivalent of our Krath Priests. It is believed that these two are a master apprentice pair. The recommendation of the DIA is to retrieve all information from the facility and to disable it by sabotage.

Close DIA Report #005768943 - Kessendra
Close All Files
Power Down

Qor

After Lexiconus received his orders from the Krath Priest in the form of the datapad, he sped from the office like a ship in hyperspace in eagerness to begin. Judging from the sure expression of pride and exhilaration on his face, Lex clearly overlooked the possibility of failure. The Togruta proceeded from the main Arcona Citadel and towards his swoop. He dropped his weight onto the firm seat as he leant against it. He proceeded to flip the datapad into both of his hands. They were trembling, sweating and hot and for some reason he could not wipe the smile from his face. He powered up the datapad and began to read.


Mission: Infiltration, retrieve all information, sabotage the facility
Target: Faust Weapons Corporation, One Sith.
Resistance: Dangerous, destroy vessels on sight.

With so little detail, Lexiconus wondered what he could gain in order to complete this mission, and how could he improve his abilities from mere destruction. Quizzed by the thoughts of a secret yet devastating mission that could influence Kessel, the Inquisitor hopped onto the bike and proceeded to fire up the engines, then raced out the main security gate of the citadel. In the process of this new journey, Lex’s curiosity strayed to the background of Faust Weapons Corporation. To Lex it was logical that the name derived from a single leader, and to him this leader was often to be corrupted by the power of the Sith and credits.

Fresh from the shuttle that landed on the frosty and unlit land, Lexiconus found himself shoved and pushed through a series of security gates, then slapped a breathing mask onto his mouth and nose and finally shoved out into the capital of Kessendra. He huffed quite impatiently and tempted himself to march back inside, however the sight of five Barabel males hulking over him with their arms that had more muscle than his entire body, he left slightly wiser. The curious Togruta began to follow a gravel and trodden path that lead towards three gigantic prison complexes, scattered and organised differently, yet even the curve of the planetoid Kessel could not hide these super structures. Lex felt that something was afoot with these, and logically thought this judicial procedure could easily hide a weapons factory. Eager and suspicious to explore, he ventured further into Kessel.

After many minutes of wandering around the small and rough city of Kessendra, between dipping inside the tunnels of the spice mines and circling around the ruins of the Imperial base, Lex began to lose himself in the ghost town. The idea of housing a weapons factory here became more and more logical, yet he saw no signs of factory activity. His datapad did not show any trade routes, and his senses gave him the feeling that something lived here, but everywhere somehow. Confusion eventually took its toll and he returned to a prison complex to investigate.

Tired and quite fed up, the panting Togruta marched inside the complex known as ‘Detention Block C’ which seemed like the only complex active. There were many prison guards patrolling outside, and he could hear the roars and chants of prisoners in the yard on the east wall. He thought by now the guards would be suspicious of a being wandering outside the prison like a tourist, so Lex cunningly took this to heart and began to walk up to the detention complex, moving his datapad around and smiling. He eventually stumbled into the muscular body of another Barabel and clumsily slipped backwards, and found his feet once more.

“Whoa, sorry big guy!” Lex said in a youthful and boisterous tone, slouching to make himself look easy.

The giant maroon male grunted and snarled his yellow-stained fangs at Lex in some frustration, and the sly Krath begun to act scared.

“Hold it friend, please don’t kill me! I’m just taking snappers of your raving prison. Say is that a sniper scout up there?” Lex aimed his datapad over to the empty tower to distract the Barabel. Being a race driven by Force use, the hefty male was cautious at first, but looked anyway and Lex used this millisecond to grab a knockout dart and slam it into the tough skin on his neck. The beast whined and slammed Lex back, he rolled backwards and carefully watched around for suspicious bystanders until the male collapsed into sleep. The Inquisitor took this precious moment to strip the Barabel of his guard tools and badge, placing them on himself and carefully entered the detention centre.

Certain that the weapons factory had to be in a building this big and concealed under a prison seemed logical, the Krath took his time to patrol the complex for signs of the weapons corporation, and he took note of the disciplines used by the guards. Lex then found himself in a court area similar to what the prisoners would use, this place not lined with cells and lacking barred windows. The upper levels had only netting and many activity tables, including a pazaak table. Surprised and quite delighted to see pazaak, the Togruta walked up to a guard and softly nudged his side.

“Hey, where’s the boss? I need to report a lost weapon,” the disguised Togruta said as he leant against the same wall, chewing on some invisible piece of meat.

The big male motioned his head to the far right stairs with a grunt and walked away from Lex, turning his nose in disgust. Lex felt confused and slightly weakened by this, he walked to the stairs and tried to secretly smell his pits for odour, then he smelt his breath and found nothing. The Krath shrugged it off as a sign of disrespect towards the rules, then jogged up the stairs to the control tower. As he made up the fifty flights of stairs, he panted heavily and pushed open the heavy, blasterproof door to scramble inside the control tower. His eyes widened in disbelief and amusement, he saw that no one was in the control tower but more importantly he saw the evidence he needed. Lined up on the back wall of the tower were weapon crates and in big letters across each one were sprayed ‘FAUST’. If this did not prove their existence here, Lex feel unsure where else to turn, he turned his head to the button panels to see the odd blaster, rifle and shock baton with the same ‘FAUST’ spray painted in little letters. Lex used this moment to record a photon image of this scene and he wrote it down in the pad.

Then with a sharp prick like a needle on the back of Lex’s head, he turned around and slammed his datapad into his pocket, only to see six Barabel and a Trendoshan in overalls walking in with a rifle. Their mood was clearly influenced by Lex’s rude intrusion, with a soft sigh he thought to himself ‘Faust, right?’ As if to answer the question in his mind, two of the Barabel slowly nodded with a manic grin.

With a soft sigh, Lex hid his hand as it reached for his trusty lightsaber hilt that was hidden inside his pants and spoke to them. “Ah well. Destroy on sight.”

The group took it as a threat and stepped closer, only to provoke the Dark Jedi Knight to quickly latch his lightsaber into his hand and ignite the grassy blade. Without hesitation Lex whipped his free hand towards them and slammed a block of air at the group, forcing them out the door then slam, scrap and tumble across the metal grating. Lex walked up to the group with his lightsaber gripped in hand, confident to lay the law on the guards and took their arms off in defense before they could reach their fallen weapons. The Trendoshan already gripped his rifle and began firing, Lex quickly deflected the shots away and up into the air, then sweeped his lightsaber clockwise, jumping over the Trendoshan and cuts the rifle in half, taking his fingers in the process.

“You’ll grow them back, you always do.” He said and patted the male’s pockets only to find a Faust key-card. Taking the Trendoshan’s index finger just incase of scanners, Lex continues to the level that the key-card displays on it.

After finally arriving six floors down from where he survived the guard ambush, the inquisitive Togruta came across an air-tight door that seemed to hold no panel. The door used to be a red hexagon, now time had rusted and the name ‘FAUST’ had disappeared and flaked away. As Lex lightly scraped away at some of the rust in the middle-left area, the door beeped positively and began to open, this action led Lex to believe he found the panel and his confirmation was verified when the flakes dropped quickly to reveal the green, unlit screen of the security panel. With access to inside the factory, Lex stepped in with his lightsaber in hand but not ignited.

Oblivious to the mysteries that lay ahead, Lex found himself weaving through lime-light tunnels, listening to the sound of cranking and welding that drew him closer. Noticing only an amber spark to guide his way, the Togruta eagerly ran towards it and his bare foot caught itself on a grate which forced him to jump and dive into the air then come down with a slam and bounce. He slid across the narrow floor as he now faced and observed the raw assembly area and logistics bay of the factory, quickly pushing his arms out to catch the doorframe. The entire assembly area covered the floor with conveyor belts and below the belts were hundreds of forges, molten carrying equipment and scurrying droids. On the far side of the warehouse was a single beam of light that sparked from a cracked open door, and sitting near the hangar door were many vessels built for carrying freight, Lex assumed it was more than twenty.

Never hesitant for a moment, eager Lex made his way through the assembly line, jumping onto the belts to bypass the droid staff and towards an engineer ladder. This cold metal hidden behind the empty foreman’s office was a reminder that this used to house living beings, and a lesson to the advancement of the labour force. He jumped and rolled off a moving belt, quick enough to escape the five ton press of a sheet casing, then climbed up to the roof beams. Secretly hidden and unknown to the guards around the vessels, Lex could not see an easy way to destroy the freighters. He knew little of explosives, he was a terrible pilot and there were too many guards to take at once. Lost in thought on how to destroy them, he carefully sat on his high beam, placing his lightsaber on it too and rubbed his chin. Unknowingly, the lightsaber began to roll and it tumbled off towards a molten carrier. In this shock and horror, Lex gasped and dove his body halfway off the beam and reached out for the lightsaber with the Force. With desperation on his mind as the lightsaber fell ever closer to being melted into the metal, the lightsaber was accidentally ignited by his grip on it. So as Lex pulled the spring-coloured blade back to him, the metal carrier’s handle was cut clean and the molten metal then poured into the hangar bay and onto the unexpecting guards, vessels and conveyor belts.

The horror and pandemonium that followed resulted in fleshy, shrieking beings that ran into deeper metal and disappeared. Several vessels sank into the pool and blew out shards of red hot metal which stuck into everything, including other vessels that weren’t in the pool. In effect, these vessels also exploded through heat as the terror and catastrophe unfolded in front of the horrified and queasy Lex, who began to feel this accident was not the best course. Lex was also in serious danger of being engulfed by the huge flames and decided to climb along the hanging beam and towards an engineer ladder that was next to the cracked hangar bay door. The bottom of the door was blown open enough for a cruiser to gracefully slide through and Lex took this opportunity to take more Photon images, and document the event that happened.

Happily exiting the detention complex, he returned to Kessel docking station and left for Estle City.

RowenaMagnuri

Grade: Needs Work


For starters, you lose points due to the recycled first two paragraphs of your fiction. It’s almost exactly the same as your previously submitted contract, aside from a few edits spaced throughout.

Fresh from the shuttle that landed on the frosty and unlit land, Lexiconus found himself shoved and pushed through a series of security gates, then slapped a breathing mask onto his mouth and nose and finally shoved out into the capital of Kessendra. He huffed quite impatiently and tempted himself to march back inside, however the sight of five Barabel males hulking over him with their arms that had more muscle than his entire body, he left slightly wiser. The curious Togruta began to follow a gravel and trodden path that lead towards three gigantic prison complexes, scattered and organised differently, yet even the curve of the planetoid Kessel could not hide these super structures. Lex felt that something was afoot with these, and logically thought this judicial procedure could easily hide a weapons factory. Eager and suspicious to explore, he ventured further into Kessel.

Right. Pointing out the fact that there are security gates generally implies that the area would be at least lit somewhat. There’s a realism error.

Second: Throughout this paragraph, the sentences are poorly phrased and quite confusing to read. For example:

‘He huffed quite impatiently and tempted himself to march back inside, however the sight of five Barabel males hulking over him with their arms that had more muscle than his entire body, he left wiser.’

I would suggest heavy rephrasing to something like this. In a case such as this:

‘He was highly annoyed and tempted to go back inside. The sight of the five Barabel males that seemed to have more muscle in their arms than in his entire body, however, quickly dissuaded the Inquisitor. He wisely chose to not cause a scene and continued on.’

After many minutes of wandering around the small and rough city of Kessendra, between dipping inside the tunnels of the spice mines and circling around the ruins of the Imperial base, Lex began to lose himself in the ghost town. The idea of housing a weapons factory here became more and more logical, yet he saw no signs of factory activity. His datapad did not show any trade routes, and his senses gave him the feeling that something lived here, but everywhere somehow. Confusion eventually took its toll and he returned to a prison complex to investigate.

This again reads confusing, so I will not go into detail as I did in the previous comment as the same errors are contained therein. However, I would suggest not writing something like:

‘After many minutes of wandering-’

Try instead-

‘After the Krath spent some time-’

“Hold it friend, please don’t kill me! I’m just taking snappers of your raving prison. Say is that a sniper scout up there?” Lex aimed his datapad over to the empty tower to distract the Barabel. Being a race driven by Force use, the hefty male was cautious at first, but looked anyway and Lex used this millisecond to grab a knockout dart and slam it into the tough skin on his neck. The beast whined and slammed Lex back, he rolled backwards and carefully watched around for suspicious bystanders until the male collapsed into sleep. The Inquisitor took this precious moment to strip the Barabel of his guard tools and badge, placing them on himself and carefully entered the detention centre.

Your opponent would have done quite a bit more damage and tried to subdue you before the dart took effect. And this is not mentioning the fact this is supposed to be an Infiltration mission. I’m not seeing any subtlety here whatsoever.

Then with a sharp prick like a needle on the back of Lex’s head, he turned around and slammed his datapad into his pocket, only to see six Barabel and a Trendoshan in overalls walking in with a rifle. Their mood was clearly influenced by Lex’s rude intrusion, with a soft sigh he thought to himself ‘Faust, right?’ As if to answer the question in his mind, two of the Barabel slowly nodded with a manic grin.

From here on you have much of the same errors, repeating themselves over and over again. You also mis-spell Trandoshan every single time throughout the rest of your post.

All said, you repeatedly make the same errors you stopped making several contracts back. I do like the way you pulled off the ending, though. It looks as though you rushed through this and were half-asleep for the most part of the writing process.

Unfortunately, due to the mass amount of errors throughout this fiction, I must grade it as Needs Work. I’m looking forward to seeing your next fictional work. :slight_smile: