A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

[July Pilot] Contract 032: Galleros Sjl - Undercover, B-Class

RowenaMagnuri

ACB Contract Offices
Lower Levels, Arcona Citadel
Estle City, Selen

The Onderonian took a long drag off of his cigarette, leaning back in his chair. As he blew a smoke ring into the air, the door to his office burst up to reveal the Zelosian that had replaced Lexiconus as Battleteam Leader of Dark Forge.

Without waiting for a gesture from Celevon, Sjl took a seat and tapped his fingers on the Obelisk’s desk.

“I need a contract and I-”

“You think you can just barge in here and demand things? Here’s a reminder: You’re only a Dark Jedi Knight. You’ve got a long way to go before you’re big osik in my eyes,” the Assassin interrupted the Krath, already weaving Force energy into Inquisitor.

The Inquisitor glared, reaching for the seraph hilt at his side.

Celevon smirked and exhaled a plume of smoke, far more than should have been possible to hold within his lungs. As soon as it reached a certain level away from the Human, it turned to flames that wound themselves around the Zelosian’s wrists. The one on the left continued its sinuous twining, forming into a serpent that bared its fangs, a hood spreading threateningly.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Galleros saw shrouded figures trying to claw their way from the shadows, an eerie glow to their eyes. He watched as the Onderonian seemed to lose his form, small shining things falling as his lost shape before he noticed that they appeared to be scorpions.

“Before you try to take me on, you should learn to control your mind better, childe,” Celevon’s voice hissed into the Krath’s ear. “You will find your contract datapad before you.”

The Inquisitor leapt to his feet the moment everything returned to normal, glancing around frantically. But the Assassin was nowhere in sight, though the door remained closed.

Sjl grabbed the datapad with a shaking hand and quickly fled the office.

The Onderonian chuckled as he released the cloak of Force energy that concealed him from the world. “All in a day’s work.”


Mission: Undercover, B-Class
Target: Chuck’aar Enterprises, Estle City
Specifics: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to gain entrance to this facility and destroy the company from the inside out without leaving evidence that you were there.
Suspected Resistance: Your predecessor was captured and tortured by their security forces. Be wary and expect heavy resistance should your Cover Alias be compromised.

RowenaMagnuri

Contract Status: Reactivated


~ Previous post has been altered as the character has changed in the time since this contract originally defaulted.

Qor

In his state of panic, Sjl sprinted from the office and out of the complex and never dared to look back. With the datapad clenched in hand, he raced to the next shuttle out of the area and barged on board. The gasping and sweating Zelosian found himself two empty seats near the back, then slumped down onto the cushion. His heart raced, and his eyes diluted from the terror as he tried to calm himself down. Once the shuttle set off, Sjl sat comfortably and began to meditate, in an effort to remove the stress from his body and focus on the mission.

Just over an hour passed, the sky darkened with a slit of orange escaping from the clouds and Sjl awoke inside the shuttle depot located within the Industrial district. The Zelosian swiftly leapt from his seat, rushed to the fire exit and booted the door open. The loud clunk of metal against metal echoed the warehouse, and awoke a security guard from his shack. Disgruntled, the old Corellian creaked from his seat, light in hand and looked around the disturbed shuttle. The old eyes met the shuttle fire exit and he fell into confusion. With a quick strike to the back of the head, Sjl knocked the guard out with the butt of Knuckledrag. A smirk lay on the Zelosian’s face, and he dragged the old man into the cabin.

The young boy exited several minutes later dressed clad in security gear, and a fake Chuck’aar patch hanging from his chest.

“Ugh, this isn’t going to work. I need something unconditional.” He mumbled in impatience.

Sjl left the thought behind in the warehouse and headed off out towards the Chuck’aar yard. The large sign said it all to him; branded, famous, franchised, heavily financed, and a keystone to the local market. He thought of this place like a distributor to other stores. A distributor who wouldn’t think twice of killing you in a bad trade. Now Sjl felt more like an imbecile. Clothed in second-hand protection, a torch as a blunt weapon since he left his hammer behind. The sight of that weapon would make any security detail suspicious. Sjl resolved to keep his lightsaber underneath the protective vest, but only until he was inside. Sjl walked closer towards the gate and two spotlights above the gate darted quickly onto him. He quickly stood still, petrified for his life then jumped into a saluting form. From behind the strong lights, his eyes glanced at a silhouette of a trooper, plated with thick armour and holding the biggest rifle Sjl has ever seen. His helmet covered his identity but his voice was clear.

“Identification and assignment papers, now!” The gateman ordered.

Shivering still, Sjl nervously reached into his pocket and pulled out the datapad he had earlier with fake orders written on it. The guard glanced at the pad then grunted and chucked it back at Sjl. He then proceeded to wave his hand above the light and they turned off. The guard placed the huge rifle onto his back, gripped Sjl’s collar tightly and yanked him into the courtyard.

“Alright rookie listen up, you passed basic but this is the real world. Get your gear into shape, suit up and be back here within the hour. Or I’ll send word to Sergeant Mahone about your insubordinate actions. Go!” The hulking guard whipped his fist towards the direction of the warehouse, and Sjl scurried off with a whimper.

As the panting Zelosian reached the security door of the warehouse, a stumpy and rounded man quickly slammed the metal door open. He grunted and motioned his head for Sjl to enter quickly. Wasting no time, the Zelosian rushed inside before the man spat onto the ground and slammed the door shut again.

“Alright grunt, step inside the armoury. Suit up and get back out here for your orders.” The old man growled at Sjl.

With a sharp nod, the young Dark Jedi Knight proceeded towards the armoury’s direction and watched his surroundings. He saw many crates of goods and valuables, all stacked into pyramids and closely collected. Sjl would need some sort of heavy ship guns to set them alight. Towards the back end of the warehouse, his eyes glanced at a meeting of some sort in a private room, the shutters were shut but a single window was left slightly ajar for a man to watch for late comers. Sjl gambled this was the managers of Chuck’aar meeting for their progress reports. In his mind, he bet that if he got something inside there and caused havoc, it would shut down Chuck’aar for a longer period than destroying the crates.

The young Zelosian finally reached the armoury and walked inside to find the Quartermaster waiting for him. The heavily built ebony-skinned man sat at a desk with a broken rifle in front of him.

“What are you looking at? You curdle of slime! Get your butt moving and pick your damned suit!” The man roared, today was not a good day for Sjl to be around.

As Sjl walked down an aisle of suits and rifles, he found a lone terminal. Sjl stepped up to it and proceeded to familiarise with the blue screen of data. There were already two problems; firstly he didn’t understand what half the commands were. His second problem was the security, the command he did understand, which read ‘File #000269855 // Faust Co.’ was encrypted with only the Quartermaster’s access codes. The brave Zelosian sparked an idea

“Hey sir! I need…ugh! Need your help sir! I can’t…ugh!! I can’t bloody fit!” The Zelosian grunted out, his head caught inside a collar two sizes too small for him.

The powerful ebony man, growling in fury as he tried to repair a rifle, slammed the metal into the desk and marched towards the struggling boy. He walked around the corner and down the aisle to find the boy nowhere around. The man scratched his head in confusion, then was suddenly batted with the barrel of a heavy rifle. The Quartermaster collapsed onto the floor heavily as blood fell from his nose.

“That was too easy.” Sjl mumbled, rummaging through the man’s pockets to find his access card.

Sjl picked it up and slid it into the terminals port, then he grabbed the datapad from his pocket and connected it to the drive. The screen showed that the Quartermaster has been working closely with Faust Co. on developing a better trade for weapons delivery to the military and One Sith. With only the Quartermaster involved, the whole affair was kept covert. Sjl smirked at the sensitive data and transferred the lot into his datapad. He heard a soft groan from behind him, and his heart raced. Sjl looked around the other command controls and found one for ‘Office Sterilisation’. Sjl assumed it meant the managerial office and activated the codes. He then grabbed his gear and headed outside.

In the distance, Sjl noticed the office began a lockdown sequence which locked all the managers inside the room. Then the blazing rush of heat, smoke and screams filled the air around it. With a soft smirk, Sjl slipped on the heavy helmet and left the warehouse exit. He saw the gateman again and nodded.

“Open the gates, I heard a commotion near the outside fence.” Sjl ordered in a monotone voice.

The curious guard pressed the automated switch and went back to his work, Sjl pacing out the complex. In the distance, the rushing Quartermaster with blood down his face struggling to see and rushed around to find the intruder as his breathing croaked. Sjl walked back to the shuttle warehouse and using the automated system, he drove it back to the Citadel.

RowenaMagnuri

Grade: Satisfactory (+2)


Since this contract was clearly rushed through, I’m going to point out the most glaring errors I’ve found. Realism will be pointed out here and there. Most of the errors you’ve made are repeated ones and I suggest looking at your previous graded contracts for reference.

Despite these errors mentioned below, you have scored a Satisfactory.

In his state of panic, Sjl sprinted from the office and out of the complex and never dared to look back.

This makes me want to put the word ‘and’ on the ban list… It could have been phrased better. Moving on.

His heart raced, and his eyes diluted from the terror as he tried to calm himself down.

Do you mean ‘dilated’? Diluted is when you thin out a substance by adding water…

Once the shuttle set off, Sjl sat comfortably and began to meditate, in an effort to remove the stress from his body and focus on the mission.

Major realism error here. You wrote your character going from completely terrified to stone calm and able to meditate from one sentence to the next.

The young boy exited several minutes later dressed clad in security gear, and a fake Chuck’aar patch hanging from his chest.

For starters… since when is a 27 year old a ‘young boy’? I’m not even going to go in the fact of how coincidental it is that a security guard just happens to wear the same size uniform as your character…

“Ugh, this isn’t going to work. I need something unconditional.” He mumbled in impatience.

Um… what? How is something ‘unconditional’? Moving swiftly on…

“Hey sir! I need…ugh! Need your help sir! I can’t…ugh!! I can’t bloody fit!” The Zelosian grunted out, his head caught inside a collar two sizes too small for him.

So… he went from looking at a terminal of some kind to being stuck trying to put on a uniform in a split second?

All in all, this contract was far too rushed to get a good feel for things. There is no way your character would have gotten through everything that easily. You also wrote the guards as practically being pushovers. For the numerous errors ranging from realism to word usage, this contract is receiving a score of Satisfactory. Not bad, when all is said and done.

I look forward to grading your other contract to see improvement.