A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

[June Pilot] Contract 006: Rrogon - Assassination, B-Class

RowenaMagnuri

ACB Contract Offices
Lower Levels, Arcona Citadel
Estle City, Selen

As soon as the Prelate looked up, a familiar Kaleesh stepped through the doorway.

“What the frak, Skar? Are you lot forming a line outside of my door? And where’s your old mask?”

“Err-”

“You know what? I don’t want to know. Anyway… you here for a job, Rrogon?” Celevon interrupted his old Battleteam member.

“Certainly,” the Knight replied, snatching the thrown holodisk from the air. The Prelate had been known to do that in Shadow Phyle when handing out missions.

Mission: Assassination, B-Class
Target: Nyvara Elrys, Togruta Female, Aged 22 Years
Specifics: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to kill this woman by whatever means necessary, so long as you leave no evidence leading back to us. Your target is a well-known slave trader, so you should have little trouble finding her.
Suspected Resistance: Medium. Most of the trouble you will have is whatever security your target has hired.

“What do you mean by ‘so long as you leave no evidence leading back to us’?”

“Lightsaber burn patterns on her remains,” the Onderonian replied, pouring himself a drink. “Do you have any other questions?”

“Nope,” the Kaleesh replied, turning to leave.

“Be sure to contact me once your mission has been completed. And stop changing masks. It won’t hide that hideous disfigurement you call a face!”

The Knight merely flipped Celevon off on his way out of the Office.

RrogonAgrona

After leaving his old battleteam leader’s office, the young Kaleesh went over the information on the holodisk again just to make sure he knew where to go. Smiling as he moved down the hallway towards the archives, he realized he needed to get some more information on his target before he hired a ship to take him were he needed to go.

Having performed all the research that was needed and gathered the necessary supplies, Skar was walking down a long hallway when he remembered something that he had forgotten to do. Lifting his arm, Rrogon tapped a few buttons on his communicator and opened a secure channel to the Nighthawk, hoping that the they would answer.

A few seconds later, the call was answered by one of the humans that worked on the bridge who Skar recognized as Railen. “Ah! Quartermaster Skar, what can I do for you?” asked the the Human in a brisk tone.

Not wanting to keep him from his duties any longer than he had to, the Quartermaster replied just as quickly. “Put me through to the Captain, Seth.”

“Right away.” Seth replied after a few second he heard the voice of his captain come over the comlink.

“What do you want, Rrogon.” Arcia didn’t really ask the question.

“Ma’am, requesting permission for a few days of shore leave?”

Arcia audibly sighed. “What for?”

“Contract work ma’am.” Skar was careful to mask the excitement in his voice as he addressed his captain.

“I expect a full report when you return to the ship. Your duties will still be waiting for you,” she stated plainly and paused, as if reviewing something. “It looks like you’re backlogged on inventory already.”

Rrogon cursed under his breath. How could I forget to do extra work before I left so that this wouldn’t happen? Regaining his composure, he spoke in a voice that masked his now boiling anger. “I’ll be sure to do double the work when I get back to the ship, ma’am.”

Arcia didn’t even respond before cutting the communications, leaving Skar in silence.

In a split second, Rrogon ripped off the comlink and crushed in it his hand. “Fracking Sotih!” he snarled before making his way to the hangar. Once there he quickly made his way to the small shuttle that had been prepped for him and climbed into the pilot’s seat.

After going through his preflight checklist, Skar made sure that the coordinates were already preset. Smiling to himself when everything was done, he fired up the engines, slowly lifting off the ground, and soon was flying off through the void known as hyperspace.

Thirty minutes later, Rrogon’s shuttle reappeared out of hyperspace in the outer atmosphere of Nar Shaddaa. Seeing the planet brought back bad memories from when he was a slave and his grip tightened around the controls the closer he got to the hellhole.

After finding a more secluded landing bay and setting his shuttle down he grabbed his heavy hooded cloak and a set of dathomiri robes from the small cargo hold in the back quickly changing into it. Hooking his lightsaber to the inside of his cloak he finlay set off to find his target.

After several hours of searching for the slave trader in the crowded underground of the slave pits, he finally found his mark: the young Togruta was engaged in a conversation with a large Hutt. Not wanting to be seen, he made use of the large crowd as they made their way through the cramped spaces and walkways.

Moving with relative ease through the crowd, he made his way to a corner that had a clear line of sight with his target. Hours passed as he watched her,noticing something about the slaves that she was selling: they were only Kaleesh, and young ones at that.

His rage burned inside of him when he saw the condition they were in. The five large cages she was standing next to held maybe five or six each and they were clearly malnourished. What little clothes they had there ripped and torn to shreds. It was clear that they were subjected to regular beatings from the welts and cuts along there scaly bodies.

“That’s it, now it’s personal,” he muttered to himself as he made his way toward Nyvara, running his plan over and over in his head to make sure that he didn’t screw this up. His thought… came to a screeching halt when two hulking Trandoshans stepped in his way just a few feet away from his mark.

Turning to the sound of her bodyguards hissing at something, the Torgruta looked at him. At this close range, Skar finally got a good look at her, and to say she was beautiful was an understatement: she had crimson skin and pair of piercing green eyes. Her lekku and montrals had blue and white striped patterns that were in stark contrast to her skin.

The clothes she had on did no small justice to show off her beauty, l for she wore a black skin tight dress that seemed to cling in all the right places. Were he not trained to resist such urges, he would had fallen for her beauty in a heartbeat. He had a mission to do, and that beauty would not save her.

Calling off her guards, the woman stepped forward and began to circle him. With a silky smooth voice she asked: “And who might you be?”

Glaring at her as she passed in front to him Rrogon responded while trying to mask his anger. “Who I am in not important at this time. What’s important is who I represent. I am part of the One Sith Order and I have come to purchase your slaves for my master.”

Her body stiffened a little bit when she heard mention of the the One Sith, but she kept her composure. “Well it’s been some time since I last made a deal to the Sith, so I hope that my stock is just right for you… and how many will you be buying from me today?”

Rrogon simply stated,“All of them.”

The woman stopped dead in her tracks and there was a faint glimmer in her eyes as she gazed at him.“Well i hope that you have the credits for them Sith, because they don’t just grow on trees you know.” Having anticipated this, the quartermaster produced a large pouch of credits from within his cloak and tossed it at the slaver who caught it and then began to count out the money.

Several minutes passed as she counted, her smile broke into a grin and the more time that passed. The bigger the grin grew until she finally zipped the top of the bag closed.

“Very well then, I accept your offer. I want to seal the deal somewhere less crowded so that we can do this formally. How does that sound?” she then turned to her bodyguards and told them to take the rest of the day off after they had moved the slaves to the holding pens near where Skar was docked.

With that done, she lead Skar out of the slave pits and to her apartment where the deal was finalized. He was also treated to a fine dinner and other fine pleasures. Waking up several hours later in the slaver’s bed came as no surprise to the young quartermaster. Female slavers were known to seal deals like this all the time.

Slowly sitting up, he laid his eyes upon the now-naked slave trader who was sleeping quietly next to him. Grinning behind his mask, he reached down to the floor where his cloak was and picked up his lightsaber. He put a firm grip on the woman’s mouth to hold her down and to keep her quiet. He used the three inch-long sharpened bone shard on the end of his lightsaber to slice her neck clean open, severing both her carotid arteries.

Nyvara’s eyes popped open as she felt the blinding pain of her throat being cut open, but the steel grip the kept her pinned to the bed was frightening. All the anger that he had felt over the past few days was put into holding her down and a few minutes later the life that was burning within her eyes faded.

Removing his steel grip from the now-dead woman, Rrogon reached back down for the holodisc and datapad that he had stolen from the slaver. It contained all of her contacts including all the One Sith client’s she ever had, in his cloak and keyed up the Nighthawk’s captain on her secure channel, hoping that that she was awake.

“Ah, Rrogon!” I was wondering where you’ve been. What can I do for you?” said the Communications Officer.

“Put me through to the captain, Seth. Now… and never intercept my call’s again” said Rrogon in an angry tone.

“Right, one second,” replied the Human.

Only Arcia’s voice came through and she didn’t sound amused. “What is it, Rrogon.”

“My contract is finished and I’m forwarding a full report to you now along with some infor–”

Arcia immediately stopped him mid-sentence. “Are you seriously sending me an update on what ever it is you were assigned to do by the ACB, while on requested shore leave? Have you not heard of post mission reports? Report to the ACB at once and they’ll handle your debriefing, Skar.”

With that, Arcia closed the comlink channel leaving Skar in silence, yet again.

Deciding not to press his luck, he packed up his gear and all the info that he could. He made his way to the holding cells that his now purchased slaves were in and opened each one, cutting the slaves lose. “You are all free go, make a life for yourself.” Without a word they all ran off and in Skar’s mide he hoped that they stayed out to trouble.

Several hours later, he walked out of the contractor’s office having made his full report and giving the extra information that he learned on his mission. He then contacted the Nighthawk for pick up.

RowenaMagnuri

Grade: Needs Work - 1 Point

Though the story itself was interesting, there were several errors that immediately stood out to me. Before I go into that, however, I must point out one thing. The usage of time in hyperspace. You will notice if you read other fictions where people travel through hyperspace: that they never specify the time it takes.

The first error that stood out to me was a continuity issue.

Smiling as he moved down the hallway towards the archives, he realized he needed to get some more information on his target before he hired a ship to take him were he needed to go.

Later on in your post, you had your character piloting a shuttle by himself. Whereas ‘hired to take him’ indicates otherwise.

A few seconds later, the call was answered by one of the humans that worked on the bridge who Skar recognized as Railen. “Ah! Quartermaster Skar, what can I do for you?” asked the the Human in a brisk tone.

Not wanting to keep him from his duties any longer than he had to, the Quartermaster replied just as quickly. “Put me through to the Captain, Seth.”

This error is more of a sense of confusion. Despite the fact that you explained that this Communications Officer’s name is either Seth Railen or Railen Seth to me, reading it makes you think that there is some writing missing indicating that your character started speaking with another person.

“What do you want, Rrogon.” Arcia didn’t really ask the question.

In this case, you still wrote the bit of dialogue as a question without putting the question mark. Regardless of the fact that Arcia ‘didn’t really ask the question’, you still phrased it as one. Enough said. :stuck_out_tongue:

“I expect a full report when you return to the ship. Your duties will still be waiting for you,” she stated plainly and paused, as if reviewing something. “It looks like you’re backlogged on inventory already.”

Rrogon cursed under his breath. How could I forget to do extra work before I left so that this wouldn’t happen? Regaining his composure, he spoke in a voice that masked his now boiling anger. “I’ll be sure to do double the work when I get back to the ship, ma’am.”

Arcia didn’t even respond before cutting the communications, leaving Skar in silence.

In this area, I must point out a realism error. If you approached your CO requesting leave and were backlogged on work, it would be assured that you wouldn’t get it. Also, there is the fact that Arcia would have responded saying either ‘Yay’ or ‘Nay’. Though you told me in a hangout that this is an example of her general approval in a case of ‘hanging up and whatever you need to, this is not how thing work.

In a split second, Rrogon ripped off the comlink and crushed in it his hand. “Fracking Sotih!” he snarled before making his way to the hangar. Once there he quickly made his way to the small shuttle that had been prepped for him and climbed into the pilot’s seat.

‘Fracking’ is swearing in another language. That too should be italicised.

After finding a more secluded landing bay and setting his shuttle down he grabbed his heavy hooded cloak and a set of dathomiri robes from the small cargo hold in the back quickly changing into it. Hooking his lightsaber to the inside of his cloak he finlay set off to find his target.

There were two spelling errors in this paragraph. ‘Dathomiri’ is debatable, considering that wookiepedia spells it as the way you do, whereas the outfit you described is spelled ‘Dathamori’. Since we’re referring to the robes, that counts as an error. The next is ‘finlay’, which you clearly indicate meant to say ‘finally’.

Moving with relative ease through the crowd, he made his way to a corner that had a clear line of sight with his target. Hours passed as he watched her,noticing something about the slaves that she was selling: they were only Kaleesh, and young ones at that.

I have to point out a realism error here as well. You described your character as having stood in the same spot for hours watching this girl. I cannot see that happening without generating a lot of suspicion. Your character would have been asked to ‘move along if you’re not buying’ at the very least.

“That’s it, now it’s personal,” he muttered to himself as he made his way toward Nyvara, running his plan over and over in his head to make sure that he didn’t screw this up. His thought… came to a screeching halt when two hulking Trandoshans stepped in his way just a few feet away from his mark.

I also cannot see the others in the crowd around you not notice your character saying this. Even muttering, people would hear it and draw attention.

Turning to the sound of her bodyguards hissing at something, the Torgruta looked at him. At this close range, Skar finally got a good look at her, and to say she was beautiful was an understatement: she had crimson skin and pair of piercing green eyes. Her lekku and montrals had blue and white striped patterns that were in stark contrast to her skin.

In this paragraph, you first spelled her species wrong. It’s ‘Togruta’. And then there is the ‘lekku’ bit. Twi’lek’s have lekku; Togruta don’t. Wookiepedia does describe their ‘head-tails being similar to those of the Twi’lek species’, so I can understand your confusion.

The clothes she had on did no small justice to show off her beauty, l for she wore a black skin tight dress that seemed to cling in all the right places. Were he not trained to resist such urges, he would had fallen for her beauty in a heartbeat. He had a mission to do, and that beauty would not save her.

I’m sorry, but I cannot see someone wearing a skin-tight dress to a slave trade… unless they were a sex slave being traded. Moving on.

Calling off her guards, the woman stepped forward and began to circle him. With a silky smooth voice she asked: “And who might you be?”

Glaring at her as she passed in front to him Rrogon responded while trying to mask his anger. “Who I am in not important at this time. What’s important is who I represent. I am part of the One Sith Order and I have come to purchase your slaves for my master.”

You went from your character being in an almost murderous rage to ‘trying to mask his anger’ in the span of several paragraphs. No one has that good of an emotional control; it would definitely show. And she would not have called off her guards until they had searched you for weapons, at the very least.

The woman stopped dead in her tracks and there was a faint glimmer in her eyes as she gazed at him.“Well i hope that you have the credits for them Sith, because they don’t just grow on trees you know.” Having anticipated this, the quartermaster produced a large pouch of credits from within his cloak and tossed it at the slaver who caught it and then began to count out the money.

Several minutes passed as she counted, her smile broke into a grin and the more time that passed. The bigger the grin grew until she finally zipped the top of the bag closed.

The ‘i’ in the dialogue should be capitalised. And you went from capitalising ‘Quartermaster’ earlier in your post to lower-case here. Again, I must also point out realism errors. You described it as between roughly twenty-five and thirty slaves. No one with common sense would carry that many credits on them in a sack. And no one would count that kind of money in a quote ‘crowded slave area’. You’re on Nar Shaddaa. There are likely thieves around every corner.

“Very well then, I accept your offer. I want to seal the deal somewhere less crowded so that we can do this formally. How does that sound?” she then turned to her bodyguards and told them to take the rest of the day off after they had moved the slaves to the holding pens near where Skar was docked.

Right. This is where I will not be adding anymore of your writing until I’ve made my point. This woman just met you. I highly doubt she would dismiss her bodyguards conveniently in this case, much less invite you into her home to ‘formalise your agreement’. Also, where would her bodyguards go but to her home.

Slowly sitting up, he laid his eyes upon the now-naked slave trader who was sleeping quietly next to him. Grinning behind his mask, he reached down to the floor where his cloak was and picked up his lightsaber. He put a firm grip on the woman’s mouth to hold her down and to keep her quiet. He used the three inch-long sharpened bone shard on the end of his lightsaber to slice her neck clean open, severing both her carotid arteries.

Nyvara’s eyes popped open as she felt the blinding pain of her throat being cut open, but the steel grip the kept her pinned to the bed was frightening. All the anger that he had felt over the past few days was put into holding her down and a few minutes later the life that was burning within her eyes faded.

Kudos on not describing the sex scene. Now… onto the realism errors here. However, had she decided to seal the deal with a little under the sheets play, she would not have fallen asleep. She would have sent you on your way immediately afterwards. As for your manner of execution, there are numerous issues. First being that you’re almost describing a custom lightsaber. That shard of bone on the end is maybe two-inches long at the most. Not mentioning the fact that a bone shard would not slice cleanly. It would leave the wound ripped and jagged.

For future reference, piercing one carotid artery could lead to death in less than a minute. For the manner of execution you used, the woman would have had long enough to blink before she died from exsanguination (bleeding out).

Removing his steel grip from the now-dead woman, Rrogon reached back down for the holodisc and datapad that he had stolen from the slaver. It contained all of her contacts including all the One Sith client’s she ever had, in his cloak and keyed up the Nighthawk’s captain on her secure channel, hoping that that she was awake.

Firstly, when did he steal both the datapad and holodisk? Secondly, no one would keep all of their previous contacts for long. The One Sith would have had one or two people contact her at the most. Also… you destroyed your character’s comlink earlier in the story. Realism-wise, I cannot see anyone carrying more than one. Not mentioning the fact that, even with satellite augmentation, a comlink would not have been able to transmit off-planet.

I won’t even go into the fact that your character has just killed someone and is now contacting his Commanding Officer nude and in bed with a dead body. :confused:

“Ah, Rrogon!” I was wondering where you’ve been. What can I do for you?” said the Communications Officer.

“Put me through to the captain, Seth. Now… and never intercept my call’s again” said Rrogon in an angry tone.

There is an end-quote in the middle of the first bit of dialogue. And another realism error… Seth is a Communications Officer. It’s his job to intercept calls. :stuck_out_tongue:

“My contract is finished and I’m forwarding a full report to you now along with some infor–”

Where did your character have time to write a ‘full report’? He just killed the woman…

Deciding not to press his luck, he packed up his gear and all the info that he could. He made his way to the holding cells that his now purchased slaves were in and opened each one, cutting the slaves lose. “You are all free go, make a life for yourself.” Without a word they all ran off and in Skar’s mide he hoped that they stayed out to trouble.

You have your character packing up ‘all the info that he could’… It’s all on the datapad and holodisk that your character ‘stole’. And you should write out ‘information’ in future fictional works. In the last sentence, I’m presuming you mean to write ‘mind’ rather than ‘mide’?

Several hours later, he walked out of the contractor’s office having made his full report and giving the extra information that he learned on his mission. He then contacted the Nighthawk for pick up.

The first sentence has some tense confusion: “-having made his full report and giving the extra information-”. You would be better off writing that as, “-having made his full report and given the extra information-”

Because of all of these errors, I’m giving you the grade of Needs Work. Overall, it wasn’t a bad story. Next time I’d advise not waiting until the last several hours prior to your time running out to get started on your writing. I’m hoping to see you request another contract. I know you can do much better than this and I’m looking forward to seeing you shine.

~ Cel2