A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

[June Pilot] Contract 014: Riverche - Recruiting, B-Class


ACB Contract Offices
Lower Levels, Arcona Citadel
Estle City, Selen

The Assassin rubbed his temples, breathing in the steam from the mug of caf before him. It felt as though it had been days since Celevon had last slept, even though it had been only hours before. Though that didn’t matter at that moment. The Prelate took a sip from the mug as he felt a presence approach, one that he had rarely encountered until recently.

“Ah, Riverche. Do come in,” the Onderonian drawled.

The Krath’s full lips twisted into a small half smirk. “You speak as though you were expecting me, Edraven.”

“Hardly, though I must admit it is rather refreshing to have you here,” Celevon grinned slightly, lighting up a cigarette.

“I can imagine the sight of a woman must be rather refreshing after being surrounded by the other men that work here,” the Miraluka retorted, wrinkling her nose as she identified the smell of the scorched plant.

“Since I’m certain you haven’t approached me for some witty banter-”

“It takes a wit for one to exchange in banter. Do you have something I could be doing, job-wise? Something no one has done before, preferably.”

The Prelate hummed to himself as he sorted through the holodisks. “One moment,” Celevon muttered before transferring the information onto a version that voiced the text aloud.

“Mission: Recruiting, B-Class
Target: Tav’yn Maez, Human/Iridonian hybrid Female, aged 17 Years
Specifics: You mission, should you choose to accept it, is to travel to where this young woman is located and recruit her. Maez has committed herself to a psych ward, as she believes something is wrong with her. Her Force Potential only seems to reveal itself during times of intense emotion, locked away due to some intense fear. These outbursts have been… chaotic, to say the very least. She is located on the Mid-Rim planet of Naboo.
Suspected Resistance: Light/Medium. The most you will have in your way is hospital staff and security. I’m quite certain that they will not be a problem for you.”

“I accept,” the Krath said after a moment of thought.

“Very well. Report to either myself or one of the other staff members once your contract has been completed. Best of luck to you.”


####Arrival to Naboo

Naboo’s busy space dock greeted the travelers as they walked down the ramp. The last individual to exit looked like a young human female dressed in a conservative, tan, flowing dress ending mid-thigh with a cape draped on her solders. Auburn hair gently glided over matching bandages covering her eyes. A small dark bag rested on her left shoulder. Pausing for a moment; before, she joined the sea of individuals scrambling for their belongings and loved ones.

“Doctor Schrödinger!” A young male Twi’lek yelled across the room waving in the direction the young woman had headed, “Doctor Emelyne Schrödinger! Wait!”

The blind Human turned in the direction of the yelling Twi’lek. “Wait! … I’m from the Naboo General Medical Facility. I was sent to escort you to the hospital.”

“Oh, I wasn’t expecting an escort,” Emelyne replied surprised. “I didn’t catch your name.”

“I’m Um’ko. The Head of the Psychology Department decided to send me this morning. There was no time to let you know of the changes.” He informed her leading her to a waiting speeder. “He is concerned that you might get lost; I mean he needs you to come to the facility immediately.”

“What’s the hurry?” Emma asked as the speeder raced through the city streets.

“All will be explained in time.”

The speeder dropped the pair off in front of the massive, iron gates of the hospital. The gates opened to reveal a spacious, manicured garden with patients wondering its paths. “We believe in using nature to speed up the healing processes. It works most of the time.”

“Most of the time?”

The facility’s doors opened to reveal a large entryway covered in warm rays of light filtered through various glass windows. A Human male in a medical uniform stood in the center of the opening. Ushering the travelers in, “I am Doctor Pushtu, the Head of the Psychology Department. Welcome, I hope your trip was uneventful.”

“It was, thanks.” Doctor Emelyne replied entering the building. “What is so urgent that you had to send an escort?”

“Um’ko, you’re needed in the kitchen. Doctor, please, follow me! The patient, Ms. Tav’yn Maez, is getting worse. She refuses to come out of her room, and the nurses can hear her screaming all the time. Drugs have lost all effect on her. It has gotten to the point, that we had to restrain her.” Pushtu lead Emelyne up a set of stairs, and unlocked a door leading to a darkened hallway flanked on both sides by rows of doors. One large window at the far end provided the only natural light. Each door was topped with a private light, that shined down casting eerie shadows on the floor. “She is in room M. Good luck.”

He quickly Placed a key card into Emelyne’s hand, and left her alone in the hall. Emma walked down the dark hallway peeking into the rooms. Each room was a small, padded room with a single light in the ceiling. Most of the occupants wore jackets that forced them to perpetually hug themselves. Some of the unlucky were chained to a bed in a collapsed star pattern. Maez, one of the unlucky, laid spread out on a bed screaming. “Leave me alone… Get out… Be quiet…”

The sight of Tav’yn fighting against the restraints and screaming at invisible people reminded Riverche of the family she had lost a long time ago. She and her brother both went through a time of uncontrollable insights. Her mom personally had to hold them down and talk them into a quieter mood.

Riverche, help! They won’t stop!

What? Who said that? Emelyne thought as she snapped back to the present. She looked into Maez’s room to see her staring in her direction.

Riverche, help! They won’t stop!

This time she knew exactly who had said it. Part of Maez was reaching for help, but not just from any one. She wanted her. River quickly slid the card in the reader, and entered the room. She slowly loosened the restraints while humming the same song her mom would hum when she lost control. After the last restraint opened, River reached out to Maez, and they sat on the head of the bed until Maez fell asleep.

Emelyne gently tucked the half-Iridonian into bed. Closed the door behind herself; before, leaving the door she promised to talk with her in the morning.


####The Next Morning

Emelyne sat at the desk that Doctor Pushtu had provided for her. On a datapad, she reviewed Tav’yn’s case. It was a typical case of a Force sensitive, that had no one to guide them. She had been in and out of psych wards since puberty with violent outbursts of fear. She had tried to end her life in more then one occasion, and was deemed a helpless cause. No one wanted to help her.

“I know you’re an impostor!” A female doctor, that she had not meet yet, said closing the door behind her.

“What?!” Emelyne replied startled looking up from her datapad.

“I meet the other Doctor Schrödinger years ago, and you are not her.”

“I’m Doctor Schrödinger. The person you meet before was an impostor.” River calmly stated fanning the air with her fingers.

“You are Doctor Schrödinger. I was mistaken, sorry.” The intruder left the doctor to her reading.

Moments passed. A knock on the door by an orderly announced the arrival of Ms. Maez. She was escorted in by two guards, and forced into a seat facing the doctor. They started to pull out restraints, when Emelyne raised up out of her seat. “We won’t be needing those, thanks.”

“Are you sure? This one–”

“I’m sure. Please, leave”

They turned as one, and left the patient with the doctor. The door slid close on a silent room.

“Who are you? What is going on? Last night, I thought–”

“My name is Riverche. I am here to help you,” Taking a seat behind the desk.

“Help me! How are you going to help me. By pre–” Maez started to yell at the doctor.

“No! I have the means to set up training for your gifts. You are–”

“Training! I do not need training; I need help!” Banging her fists on the desk.

Riverche gently placed her hand on a vibrating datapad; before, starting in a soft voice, “You have the potentual to tap into the Force. That is why you keep hearing voices. Drugs won’t help.”

“They have–”

“Is that why they call you a lost cause and restrain you to a bed? Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?”

Maez held her hand in mid strike for a moment; before, sliding back into her seat. “What if training doesn’t work? What then?”

“If you give me a chance, then I promise that if you fail, I will escort you to any psych facility of your choice. Deal?”

“Deal. How are you–” Maez started to ask standing from her chair.

“Easy, we are going out the front gates.”

Riverche walked around the desk to open the office doors. The two guards immediately filled the opening. Raising her hand, and fanning the air with her fingers, “I will escort Ms. Maez back. You are not needed any more.”

In unison they replied, “You will escort Ms. Maez. We are needed elsewhere.” The guards turned and left the two alone.

Is that part of my training? Tav’yn thought.

Yep, and much more. River replied, Let’s go!

The Miraluka lead the unexperienced girl through the massive entryway. The doors swung open revealing the beautifully manicured garden. Patients slowly glided along the winding paths. At the gates stood the nosy doctor and Doctor Pushtu.

“Where do you think you are going?” Pushtu inquired of the advancing duel.

“We are leaving.” Riverche informed the misguided pair.

“No, you’re not. When I confronted you earlier, I did not expect you to play with my mind. Years of dealing with people like you two have allowed me to become immune to your tricks.” The real Doctor Schrödinger informed them as she advanced to River’s side. In her left ear and caressing her check with a tentacle, she whispered “I am Emelyne Schrödinger! Now you will–”

Riverche quickly grabbed her lightsaber from its hiding spot under her skirt. Spinning away from the assaulting Anzat, she activated it. The tentacle head slid off the neck onto the ground in front of the gates. The body collapsed onto its knees; before, falling backwards. Looking at Doctor Pushtu, she flung her free hand in a quick back slap motion. The Doctor flew into the massive iron gates breaking the seal. His lifeless body slumped beside the speeder that had brought River to this place the night before.


####Reporting Back

Riverche walked down the bright hallway to Celevon’s office. Reviewing the events on Naboo, and Ms. Maez’s training schedule, she almost didn’t hear the voices drifting from the Human’s office. She paused at the door long enough to recognize the other voice. She would have to wait until their meeting was over.

Just as she settled next to the door, it opened to let out the familiar Harpen. Celevon ushered her in, and pointed to a seat. “No thanks. I will make this brief.”

“Report!” The Human ordered as he poured himself a glass.

“She has begun her training. Here is my report and her training schedule.” She placed a datapad on his desk.

“Good!” He replied picking up the datapad, and reviewing the report.

The office door sliding shut behind River was the only response he got.


Contract: Complete

[Satisfactory - 2 Points]



I really enjoyed your story. It is short, sweet, and simple, but to the point, making it quite easy to read. Your use of Mind Trick is well done, and the method she uses to talk to her subject is well done. You created good NPCs to serve as Antagonist as well.

That said, I still need to see more improvement to get to the next level. You don’t tell us much about River getting into character, and she has a 0 in Subterfuge. Things happen very fast as well, and I never get a real sense for where I am, and where I’m going as I follow the characters. Take some time to describe each room or scene. Paint a picture using the 5 senses to enhance the readers ability to visualize things. You can work on your storytelling pacing as well- bring us along with Rivers journey, not just tell us a bunch of events happening one after the other. Also some awkward syntax and errors sprinkled about that can be easily fixed with some more practice.

Brownie points for Schrodinger, though I’m upset there was no references or allusions to cats in a box at all…

Excellent job otherwise, River. Look forward to your next one :).