A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

[June Pilot] Contract 019: Antar Locke - Assassination, B-Class

MarickTyris

“Antar Locke,” the Consul spoke evenly.

“Sir!” the Jedi Hunter snapped at attention.

“At ease,” Marick gestured with a hand. “I read the report of your actions in your last contract. Good work.”

Antar half-bowed, making sure to keep his eyes on his Consul.

“I had my agents look into this Dacen Lybrin you uncovered. We have agreed that he should be removed. Your mission is to hunt down and eliminate Dacen Lybrin. My operatives have attached what other intel they were able to discern about this Hapan.” Marick seemed to change tone ever so slightly at the mention of his own race, but it was hidden well by his stoic visage.

“He popped up on Port Ol’val, the Shadowport. I should also remind you, that on Ol’val, the presence of House Qel-Droma and the Dark Jedi are secret. Eliminate this Dacen Lybrin, but do so discretely and without revealing your powers.”

“As you say, sir,” Antar said with a salute- fist to chest.

“Dismissed.”


>>Target Dossier:

Name: Dacen Lybrin
Homeworld: Hapes
Birth: 8 ABY
Status: MIA
Current Location: Port Ol’val
Affiliation: New Jedi Order
Rank: Jedi Knight
Discipline: Marauder
Notes: Missing and presumed dead at the end of Yuuzhan Vong War. Towards the end of the war, JK Lybrin began to believe that the Yuuzhan Vong were demons sent by the Force to punish the universe for its sins. Before he could be removed from duty, his entire unit went missing.

Noteable Skills: Makashi Lightsaber Form (+3), Bladed Weapons (+2), Athletics (+3), Amplifcation (+3), Rage (+2), Telekinesis (+2)

Mission Note: Force Powers and lightsaber must be limited on Port Ol’val. Failure to do so will result in harsh disciplinary action. You may use members of House Qel-Droma (if your character has relations with them) to assist you.

AntarLocke

Nu-Class Shuttle
Enroute Port Ol’val
1825 Hours

The massive expanse of asteroids stretched out before the shuttle. Antar glared out the window and several of the asteroids appeared large enough to house a base. He understood how Port Ol’val could stay hidden for so long. Luckily the pilot had been there before. As the shuttle moved into the belt, the proximity alarms sounded as they weaved between the enormous rocks.

“There she is now, sir,” Stig said pointing to a rather mundane looking rock in the distance.

A small asteroid darted by the bow of the shuttle, “Just keep your hands on the stick.”

“Yes, sir,” the pilot said with a smirk.

The shuttle approached Port Ol’val and the entrance came into view. The mundane looking rock had grown into a massive asteroid that dwarfed the shuttle. The pilot aimed towards the tunnel’s unseen mouth. Antar white-knuckled the arms of his chair. The optical illusion created by the first bend in the passage was broken by the shuttle passing through the magnetic shield. The pilot pulled the stick back and then quickly to the left. The scars on the walls were remnants from those less skilled attempting the journey. The corkscrews and turns of the artery caused the Anaxsi to turn a hue of green.

“That’s why it’s called ‘Kas Tunnel’, sir,” the Corellian smiled as he jerked the stick from left to right, “the word ‘kas’ means ‘chaos’ in Olys Corellisi.”

Finally, the tunnel opened up into a massive dock and Antar slowly released his vice-like grip from the armrest. He was amazed that there were freighters docked that were much larger than the shuttle. Smaller vessels darted back and forth, undoubtedly carrying illegal goods between the larger ships. The pilot requested and received permission to land, and the shuttle spun around and sat down on the landing pad.

Port Ol’val
The Docks
1930 Hours

The Sith stepped off the ramp on to the dock and looked back over his shoulder, “Lieutenant Stig, there is a briefcase on the shuttle that I need taken to the Vannacutt hotel. Feel free to take in the scenery, I’m not sure how long I will be. I need the room for a possible fall back location, but I will need you to keep that briefcase there if I need it.”

“Thank you, sir,” the pilot said almost quizzically, “I was planning on just staying on the shuttle.”

“Just tell them your key was stolen, the room is in your name. So make yourself at home and charge whatever you want to the room. Consider it a vacation for not smashing us into the wall of that tunnel,” Antar said with a wave.

“That is very kind, sir.”

The Specialist pulled a datapad from the pocket of his leather jacket and brought up the coords of the closest turbolift to the Phantom Complex. He walked around taking in the sights, looking more like a tourist than an assassin. As he drew nearer to his destination, a Rodian bumped into him. Instinctively, Antar’s hand went to his wallet, it was gone. He turned and the Rodian was no where to be found. He looked around to ensure that he could slip into the turbolift without being seen. The Sith took a deep breath and traveled on to the turbolift.

Port Ol’val
Phantom Complex
2030 Hours

Antar made his way through the hallways of the Phantom Complex headed towards the operations center, after dropping off his gear in an open standard chamber. The stone walls were impressive. They provided a sense of security and and conveyed power. The Sith thought on it for a moment, an asteroid is an excellent base. The door ‘swished’ open and he walked into the operations center.

The operations officer on duty turned to face the sound of the door and gripped his hand on his sidearm, “Specialist Locke?”

“Yes, Captain. Do you plan on shooting me?” The Specialist said putting his hands up with a smile.

“No, sir,” the Captain relaxed his grip on the sidearm but didn’t remove it. “We weren’t expecting you so soon. You have been granted limited access to our facility, but we would prefer that you don’t take advantage of our hospitality. We haven’t relocated Dacen Lybrin since his first appearance. We aren’t even sure he is still on Port Ol’val.”

The Sith closed his eyes, “Trust me. He is still here, Captain.”

“Very well, sir. We will continue the search,” the officer said with a bow.

“At about 20:40, I was pickpocketed on the docks. Do you have a recording of it,” The Specialist asked.

“That is all too common on Port Ol’val, sir. We record everything though.”

“Pull it up,” Antar smiled.

The Captain nodded towards one of the techs. A monitor displayed the docks at the time frame the Specialist requested. The Rodian came out of a crowd of people and bumped into the Anaxsi.

“Can you follow him,” the Specialist asked.

The tech nodded and started bringing up feeds from other cameras following the Rodian from the docks to the section of Port Ol’val know as ”the Pride.” He leaned against a wall looking back and forth.

“Sir, forgive me,” the Captain began, “but shouldn’t we be looking for the Jedi.”

“Patience, Captain. Can you skip ahead, till when whomever he is waiting for arrives?”

The figures moved quickly on and off the monitor but the Rodian remained fairly still only shifting his weight back and forth. The figures slowed.

“This is happening now, sir, in real time,” the tech informed the Specialist.

1 hour later

The three continued to watch the monitor in silence. Finally, a cloaked figure approached the Rodian. The petty thief handed him the wallet. The hooded figure opened the wallet and removed the credits and handed them to the Rodian, who ran off as soon as they were in his palm. The second man stood for a moment looking through the other contents of the wallet.

“That’s him,” Antar said with a smile.

“Are you sure? I can’t see his face,” the tech asked.

“I don’t need to see his face,” the Sith replied.

Dacen pulled a keycard from the wallet and an identicard. He placed the two cards in his pocket and tossed the wallet into a waste can.

“I will take my leave of you now gentlemen,” Antar said with a bow, “Thank you for your time.”

Port Ol’val
Vannacutt
0015 Hours

Dacen walked to the counter of the hotel and rang the bell for service.

“Yes, sir. How can I help you?” The receptionist asked.

“A friend of mine gave me the keycard to his room,” the Jedi Knight began, “but I can’t remember what room number he said he was in.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but we aren’t allowed to give out that information,” she said with a smile.

“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind,” Dacen assured her.

“I’m sure he wouldn’t, sir,” she sincerely replied, “but it is against the policy of the Vannacutt to give that information out.”

The cult leader leaned in and exerted his will over her, “Please give me the room number.”

“Yes, sir,” the desk clerk slid the card into the reader. “It’s room 304 and you will need a new key because this one was reported stolen,” she continued, handing him the new keycard.

The Jedi made his way to the turbolift and took it up to the third floor. He walked slowly down the hall taking care not to make a sound. He came to the door and put his listened. He could hear laughter coming from within. Dacen slid the keycard into the the door and it unlocked.

As he slowly made his way towards the sleeping area where the laughing was coming from, the Knight pulled his lightsaber from beneath his cloak. In one swift movement he stepped through the doorway and ignited his lightsaber. The Twi’lek woman screamed as the door crashed in. Stig pushed the nude Twi’lek off his waist and reached for his sidearm. Dacen held out his hand and the Force enveloped the blaster, pulling it from it’s holster and throwing it across the room.

“Who are you!? What the hell do you want?” Stig asked, pulling the sheets over his naked lower body.

“Where are the files on Arcona’s defensive strategy in the Dajorra system?” Dacen said angrily.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” the pilot said.

“You had a briefcase, when you arrived. Where is it?” The fallen Jedi said waving his hand, forcing the question into the pilot’s mind.

“I didn’t have a briefcase, I don’t know what you are talking about,” Stig reiterated, hiding the fact that he was trained to resist Jedi mind tricks.

“Let me refresh your memory,” the cult leader snarled angrily.

With a twist of his wrist, he thrust the lightsaber into Stig’s right shoulder. The Knight put his hand over the pilot’s mouth preventing a scream from escaping. The nude Twi’lek tried to run for the door. Dacen waved his free hand slamming her against the wall. She slumped down falling unconscious. The Hapan removed his hand from Stig’s mouth.

“I’ll ask again,” Lybrin’s face twisted into a snarl. “Where is the briefcase?”

“I told you! I don’t know what you are talking about, you kriffing lunatic,” the Corellian grunted through the pain.

The Knight began twitching the lightsaber. “Tell me where the briefcase is,” pushing the thought into the pilot’s brain.

The pain and telepathic assault broke down Stig’s mental barrier, “Closet …safe.”

“Thank you,” Dacen said.

The cult leader called on the Force pushing it into his hand and punched the pilot, knocking him out. Dacen stood before the closet door and pressed the button that caused it to slide open. With his lightsaber he sliced open the safe. The Knight removed the briefcase and sat it on the coffee table. The cult leader pulled out a blade from his boot and slipped in underneath latch breaking it open.

A red light flashed. An electrode activated. A spark ignited. The explosives triggered. The window of the room blew out.

Antar looked up and watched the broken glass fall to the ground with a smile.

Estle City, Selen
Arconan Citadel
1 Week Earlier

The Specialist tapped the comm on his wrist, “Master, do you have a moment?”

“I’m rather busy, Apprentice,” Sight’s voice sounded annoyed.

Antar said quickly. “I need a bomb,” knowing it would peak his interest.

Sight answered. “Why do you need a bomb?”

“Meet me at the Citadel in an hour. I would rather speak in person,” the Jedi Hunter spoke.

“On my way,” his Master replied.

The comm went silent and Antar tapped it again, “Captain, I’m sorry to bother you but I need a favor.”

“Specialist, we have an XO and Section Chiefs for a reason,” Arcia informed her crew member.

“I understand Ma’am, but I have a mission that requires as few people involved as possible. I need a pilot. One that we aren’t going to miss, but has been to Port Ol’val,” Antar said in an apologetic tone.

Arcia sighed, “I don’t want to know, but I might have the Corellian for you. I’ll see if I can get Lieutenant Stig put under your command.”

“Thank you, Ma’am,” Antar replied.

The Jedi Hunter walked towards the DIA offices in the Citadel and showed his identification to the guard. After passing the guard station he walked into the Bureau of Analysis.

The Chief Analyst greeted Antar, “Specialist, How can I help you?”

“Chief, I need some information leaked,” the Sith smiled.

“That is something we could handle. What and why?” The Chief asked.

Antar rubbed his chin, “I have a mission from the Consul, that is all I can say about the why.”

The Chief didn’t press the question, “And the what?”

“I have it on good authority that Lieutenant Stig is going to be delivering our defense strategy for the Dajorra system to Port Ol’val. He will be arriving in one week. It would be even better if when he arrived, his information could fall into a specific person’s hands,” the Anaxsi informed the Chief as he handed him the information on Dacen Lybrin.

“That is doable and I have a Rodian agent already in place there,” the Chief said with a nod.

“I have a meeting, if you will excuse me,” Antar said shaking his hand.

Antar waited in front of the Citadel for Sight, until he saw the Krath walking towards him. The two bowed and began to walk together as Antar explained his need for a bomb.

Sight smiled, “You know a lot could go wrong.”

“I know, but I think this is the best way to draw him out of hiding,” Antar answered. He continued, “Do you think you can help?”

The albino shook his head, “I should be able to come up with something.”

Port Ol’val
Vannacutt
0045 Hours

The shards of glass shattered into smaller pieces upon impact. The Anaxsi walked towards the hotel. When suddenly his target came stumbling out the main entrance. The right side of his face was badly burned and his right arm was missing below the elbow.

“Son of Hutt…” The Sith said pulling his blaster.

He fired at the limping, bleeding Jedi. Striking him in the left shoulder. Dacen screamed in pain as the bolt ripped through his shoulder, but some how managed to continue moving away. Antar jetted towards the Knight, who ducked into an alley.

Antar turned the corner and felt a wave of the Force slam him to the ground. The Specialist tried to get up, but a kick to the chin knocked him back down. A blade pierced his right side, slicing between his ribs and punctured his lung. The Jedi Hunter rolled to his knees and coughed up blood. Another boot stomp landed on the back of his head causing him to blackout.

Port Ol’val
Medical Center
1210 Hours

He awoke surrounded by medical droids.

“Where is he!?” Antar screamed and tried to sit up.

“Calm down, sir,” one of the droids said in a monotone voice, to calm the patient.

The Anaxsi’s anger grew, “Get me someone in charge, now.”

“Specialist, please calm down,” the voice of Operations officer said, “He is in custody, two floors above you.”

“I need a communicator,” Antar said gripping his side.

“Not now you need to rest,” the medical droid said.

“Unless you want me to tear this place a part, get me a kriffing communicator,” Antar said with a grunt.

The Captain said, “Clear the room. The holocommunicator is on the table.”

The med droids quickly exited the room, and the officer locked the door behind him.

Antar sat up, holding his side, struggling to breathe. The Consul’s image appeared before him.

“Sir, the mission was a failure. The target is alive, but in custody. Requesting further instructions.”

RowenaMagnuri

Grade: Needs Work


While your contract was entertaining and thought out, you show issues with your command of the english language. These errors range from phrasing, sentence structure, continuity errors and spelling errors. Due to all of these errors, you are receiving a grade of Needs Work.

It looks like you quickly wrote this up at the last minute. I know you can do much better and I am looking forward to seeing improvement.

Antar glared out the window and several of the asteroids appeared large enough to house a base.

What? I’m assuming you are missing a word or two between ‘window and several of the asteroids…’

The shuttle approached Port Ol’val and the entrance came into view. The mundane looking rock had grown into a massive asteroid that dwarfed the shuttle. The pilot aimed towards the tunnel’s unseen mouth. Antar white-knuckled the arms of his chair. The optical illusion created by the first bend in the passage was broken by the shuttle passing through the magnetic shield. The pilot pulled the stick back and then quickly to the left. The scars on the walls were remnants from those less skilled attempting the journey. The corkscrews and turns of the artery caused the Anaxsi to turn a hue of green.

You repeated the word shuttle over and over here. You also start with fragmented sentences that could be combined:

The pilot aimed towards the tunnel’s unseen mouth as Antar white-knuckled the arms of his chair.

After one sentence written well, you show the same error:

The pilot pulled the stick back and then quickly to the left, the scars on the walls showing where less skilled pilots had attempted the same.

Finally, the tunnel opened up into a massive dock and Antar slowly released his vice-like grip from the armrest. He was amazed that there were freighters docked that were much larger than the shuttle. Smaller vessels darted back and forth, undoubtedly carrying illegal goods between the larger ships. The pilot requested and received permission to land, and the shuttle spun around and sat down on the landing pad.

Port Ol’val
The Docks
1930 Hours

The Sith stepped off the ramp on to the dock and looked back over his shoulder, “Lieutenant Stig, there is a briefcase on the shuttle that I need taken to the Vannacutt hotel. Feel free to take in the scenery, I’m not sure how long I will be. I need the room for a possible fall back location, but I will need you to keep that briefcase there if I need it.”

There are several errors in these paragraphs, which I will go over in order. First, your opening sentence serves to confuse the reader. An example to fix this:

Finally, the tunnel opened up into a massive dock as Antar slowly released his vice-like grip from the armrest.

The second error that stands out is your use of personification. Ships don’t ‘sit down’, they either simply land or touch down. You next use what I call a ‘lazy scene shift’. The reason for this is that it goes from your character being on the shuttle to walking off of it at the very same location, making the reader pause and wonder why it is there. And that’s not going into the fact that you wrote it as taking an hour and five minutes from entry time to your character stepping off of said shuttle. It would have flowed much better to write him walking off of the ship.

In the first sentence of the paragraph following the unneeded scene break, you write a comma with no real indication that your character is about to speak. It would flow better and make more sense to have a period here.

The Specialist pulled a datapad from the pocket of his leather jacket and brought up the coords of the closest turbolift to the Phantom Complex. He walked around taking in the sights, looking more like a tourist than an assassin. As he drew nearer to his destination, a Rodian bumped into him. Instinctively, Antar’s hand went to his wallet, it was gone. He turned and the Rodian was no where to be found. He looked around to ensure that he could slip into the turbolift without being seen. The Sith took a deep breath and traveled on to the turbolift.

‘Coords’ seems like jargon or an abbreviation to ‘coordinates’. While this works in dialogue, it just shows as a writer getting lazy to your audience when used in the general writing. Next, you poorly phrased where you character instinctively thought of the Rodian as a pickpocket and discovered his wallet gone.

Next is when your character looked for said pickpocket. ‘Nowhere’ is one word.

The final part is a continuity error. In the second sentence, you wrote your character as trying to look like a tourist. Yet by the final two sentences, you have your character showing suspicious behaviour to anyone that could/would be watching.

Antar made his way through the hallways of the Phantom Complex headed towards the operations center, after dropping off his gear in an open standard chamber. The stone walls were impressive. They provided a sense of security and and conveyed power. The Sith thought on it for a moment, an asteroid is an excellent base. The door ‘swished’ open and he walked into the operations center.

To avoid separating this paragraph and spreading it out, I will keep it as is. You misplaced the comma in your first sentence. It could be moved to where it reads as:

Antar made his way through the hallways of the Phantom Complex, headed towards the operations center after he dropped his gear into an open standard chamber.

The next error is the two following fragmented sentences that are obviously a part of the same thought. You could replace that period with a semi-colon. In the same sentence, you also wrote ‘and’ consecutively::

The stone walls were impressive; they provided a sense of security and conveyed power.

It’s highly confusing when you put your character’s thought in the middle of a paragraph with no follow-up.

The operations officer on duty turned to face the sound of the door and gripped his hand on his sidearm, “Specialist Locke?”

This part is poorly phrased. It only serves to confuse your audience/reader. Try something along the lines of:

The operations officer on duty turned to face the sound of the door, his hand falling to grip his sidearm. “Specialist Locke?”

“Yes, Captain. Do you plan on shooting me?” The Specialist said putting his hands up with a smile.

In this part, you put that your character said something, when he was clearly asking a question. There is also a comma missing. A better way to write this is shown below:

“Yes, Captain. Do you plan on shooting me?” the Specialist asked, putting his hands up with a smile.

“At about 20:40, I was pickpocketed on the docks. Do you have a recording of it,” The Specialist asked.

You indicate that someone is asking a question, yet you put a comma. I’ve noticed that you do this quite a few times as I go through your post. In future, make certain that you keep an eye out for these.

“Sir, forgive me,” the Captain began, “but shouldn’t we be looking for the Jedi.”

There are two overall errors in this part. The first is one I’ve noticed you do quite a few times in your writing. Your use of a comma after ‘the Captain began. I would write this as:

“Sir, forgive me,” the Captain began. “But-

Also, you write the latter part of this phrased as a question yet you put a period. Just a helpful hint.

“Patience, Captain. Can you skip ahead, till when whomever he is waiting for arrives?”

This is an unnecessary in the second sentence. It is also poorly phrased. It could be written better as:

“Could you skip ahead to where whom or whatever he is waiting for happens?”

“This is happening now, sir, in real time,” the tech informed the Specialist.

Saying that it is ‘happening now’ makes saying ‘in real time’ redundant as you wrote it where you implied the fast-forwarding of the recording coming to an end.

1 hour later

The three continued to watch the monitor in silence. Finally, a cloaked figure approached the Rodian. The petty thief handed him the wallet. The hooded figure opened the wallet and removed the credits and handed them to the Rodian, who ran off as soon as they were in his palm. The second man stood for a moment looking through the other contents of the wallet.

You put in an unnecessary scene break here. The ‘one hour later’ could have been put into the first sentence as:

An hour passed as the three continued to silently watch the monitor.

This paragraph also has redundancies. You talk about the ‘wallet’ over and over again. Try to find another word rather than using ‘figure’ over and over again. These sentences could have been combined for a much better flow.

Dacen pulled a keycard from the wallet and an identicard. He placed the two cards in his pocket and tossed the wallet into a waste can.

You already spoke of the wallet in the previous sentence and paragraph, making this further redundant.

The cult leader leaned in and exerted his will over her, “Please give me the room number.”

Here, that comma could be replaced with a period, since you give no indication that he is about to speak.

The Jedi made his way to the turbolift and took it up to the third floor. He walked slowly down the hall taking care not to make a sound. He came to the door and put his listened. He could hear laughter coming from within. Dacen slid the keycard into the the door and it unlocked.

‘He came to the door and put his listened’ <- I cannot even offer a suggestion here.

You also repeat your use of sentences that could be combined for better overall flow.

As he slowly made his way towards the sleeping area where the laughing was coming from, the Knight pulled his lightsaber from beneath his cloak. In one swift movement he stepped through the doorway and ignited his lightsaber. The Twi’lek woman screamed as the door crashed in. Stig pushed the nude Twi’lek off his waist and reached for his sidearm. Dacen held out his hand and the Force enveloped the blaster, pulling it from it’s holster and throwing it across the room.

There are several errors in this paragraph. For starters, you have a continuity error from the second to the third sentence: You had your target walking through the doorway, then the Twi’lek screaming as the door ‘crashed in’. For better flow you could combine these sentences that are fragmented.

Also, you used ‘it’s holster’. A general rule here that helps is reading your sentences aloud. When it comes to its/it’s, you should think: Does this sentence still make sense if I read it as ‘it is holster’? If not, use its.

“You had a briefcase, when you arrived. Where is it?” The fallen Jedi said waving his hand, forcing the question into the pilot’s mind.

Again, there is an unnecessary comma in the first sentence of the dialogue.

Antar said quickly. “I need a bomb,” knowing it would peak his interest.

The sentence structure here is so… wrong. While you get the point across, it interrupts your audience from the overall flow of the story. I’ve noticed that you do this several times throughout your post. For future reference, this can be structured better like:

“I need a bomb,” Antar said quickly, knowing it would peak the Krath’s interest.

“I have a meeting, if you will excuse me,” Antar said shaking his hand.

Antar waited in front of the Citadel for Sight, until he saw the Krath walking towards him. The two bowed and began to walk together as Antar explained his need for a bomb.

There is no real indication of a time lapse or a change in scenery. This would have been an excellent place for a scene break as you’ve done earlier, whilst still indicating that it is a flashback.

The shards of glass shattered into smaller pieces upon impact. The Anaxsi walked towards the hotel. When suddenly his target came stumbling out the main entrance. The right side of his face was badly burned and his right arm was missing below the elbow.

This entire paragraph is composed of fragmented sentences. Not to mention the fact that the reader would have to go back two scenes to read about the actual explosion. The placing of the whole flashback is poorly done. You would have been better served, in this case, to have written that as the first scenes. To give an example of how I would write this:

A loud explosion shook the foundations of the area, shards of shattered glass bursting from the windows of the hotel as the concussive wave from the blast took effect. The screaming of the panicked crowd was mere background noise to the Anaxsi as he watched his work take hold. Antar scowled as he noticed a figure stumbling out of the main entrance. Though the right side of his face was badly burnt, the person was recognisable as his target.

I didn’t write the fact that his arm was missing below the elbow because of the fact that he would not have been able to walk out with that injury. Dacen would have bled out by that point. I hope this helps.

“Son of Hutt…” The Sith said pulling his blaster.

I do believe that this would count as swearing. The ‘…’ tends to make the reader believe your character is trailing off in thought. A comma would work better in its place. An example to correct this in future.:

“Son of a Hutt,” the Sith swore/spat, drawing his blaster.

The first two sentences in the following paragraph could also be used in this to produce a more entertaining aspect, further drawing your reader in.

He fired at the limping, bleeding Jedi. Striking him in the left shoulder. Dacen screamed in pain as the bolt ripped through his shoulder, but some how managed to continue moving away.

This is another example of how you tend to use fragmented sentences. It interrupts the overall flow of the story. Also: ‘Somehow’ is one word.