I am making this ongoing run-on for my apprentice Kadrol Hauen and myself. Only us two need to post. This is for his ongoing training to dark jedi Knight one day.
Rules to this run-on are as follows:
1- Only us two can comment on this story
2- This is a learning experience for both of us, him in his writing, me as a master
3- To critique his posts, I will give opening segments before my post.
Enjoy
“Can I take this blindfold off?”
The Zabrak knew he was no longer planet-side. One minute, he was walking to his quarters after meeting his master in the dining hall, next he was waking up, blindfolded and dizzy. He had absolutely no idea what happened to him. The jolt of the ship, is what allowed him to decipher that he was off the planet. He tried to reach out with the force to determine his surroundings and those who were refusing to answer his questions, but something was amiss. There was nothing. No warmth of the Force; its lack of caress to his soul was no longer there. He felt empty…Alone.
He tried to reach up to his face to remove the binding, but his arms were tethered to his sides. He ascertained he was without his lightsaber from the armory. Kadrol was literally a prisoner. He knew that the clan Plagueis was recently at war, but why would they take him, a peon, as a prisoner. He was the low man on the totem pole, so to speak. He had no intelligence to give to the enemy.
The ship shuddered again. A sudden slowing was felt. Kadrol could tell, they just came out of hyperspace. Minutes, which seemed like hours as they passed, were torture. Then he felt the familiar clank of the ship docking with another ship. Perhaps it was how they did a prisoner transfer here he thought to himself. He proceeded to stand up, somewhat off balanced. Then a poke by a stick-like object to his back, gave him all the assertive to move forward. Down a ramp he went, trying to compose his balance.
The smell of the air changed from stagnant to refreshing as he moved from between the vessels. Then the hood he was wearing, was pulled from his face and the brightness of the lighted hallway made him wish he was still masked. As they walked, his eyes slowly grew accustomed to the visuals. To each of his sides were two lizard-type aliens. “That explains why they wouldn’t speak to me” he thought to himself.
They walked into an doorway and into a large control room. Kadrol looked around and saw the familiar white uniform he had seen earlier that day.
“Master, why am I prisoner?” he exclaimed.
The Chiss turned around and stared at the Zabrak. It then spoke in a unfamiliar language. After a brief exchange, the two lizard-type aliens that guarded him, bellowed out laughter and proceeded to leave the room. As they left, a sudden rush of energy filled Kadrol as the Force returned to him with a nauseating flourish. It nearly made him vomit.
He looked at the Chiss again. “Master, I asked you a question!” he said more sternly.
The Chiss just stared coldly with his blood-red eyes gazing.
“You must be my brother’s apprentice?” spoke the Chiss.
“That depends. Who is your brother?” Kadrol lashed at the Chiss.
“My brother? Most call him Brimstone.” The Chiss responded rather irritated by the question, Kadrol thought.
“Yes! That’s my master!” The Zabrak rejoiced. He then asked “Can you take me to him?”
“As much as It would pain me to see him again, I will return you to him for…” The Chiss said. Then he thought for a while. He finally finished his sentence with "25000 credits."
Kadrol gaped. 25000 credits was more than he’d ever had.
"Contact Brimstone so I can get me some profit."
Kadrol did so accordingly. The two Chiss argued back and forth for what seemed like an eternity, but when his captor told him that he would again be with his master, Kadrol was relieved.
note about your post
first, you need to have longer paragraphs, not a few sentences of conversation. Second, I left it open to see what your story telling is like, and we do need to work on it quite a bit. The thing with fiction is that it has to be entertaining to the reader(s) and a few words of back and forth talk is not enough to keep them enthralled in the story. Third, spacing. All conversations should be spaced to stand out from the rest of the paragraph, especially between two individuals. Fourth, punctuation. numbers that are more than 999 must have a comma inserted. i.e. 25,000 instead of 25000.
Kadrol thought he felt relieved that he was going to his master, but the Chiss had different plans entirely. He was asked by his brother Brimstone, to take his apprentice to a different location, one outside of the reach of Plagueis and the Iron Throne of the Brotherhood. Brimstone had learned that the Dark Counsel was gun ho to eradicating the Clan and to kill off any potential recruits were easy targets.
Kadrol was led out of the room and towards a holding cell. He realized that he was still a captive. “Was the Chiss just making it up about my Master” he thought as he was led away. The two reptilian guards led him off and the sudden emptiness returned as the Force once again disappeared. Kadrol felt nauseous and his knees felt uneasy.
The Chiss captain, after watching the door closed, hit a button on the console. “Security code Delta Six Bravo Five Three Dathomar Csilla” he spoke into the comm. A minute passed and a familiar beep rang out. Then a hologram projection straightened itself out onto the floor beside him.
“Greetings Brother” spoke Brimstone.
“Greetings to you as well” replied Brinestone.
“How goes it with my apprentice?”
“He is a curious one. He doesn’t know about the Ysalamiri, but he did feel uncomfortable at not being able to use the Force. Surprisingly, once he regained it, he didn’t use any of his returned power to break his bindings or mind control or anything like you said he might.”
Brimstone placed his hand on his chin, rubbing it. “How unfortunate. Perhaps he is weaker than the Counsel thought.”
Brinestone interrupted. “Or perhaps, he hasn’t been coerced to release his fears and let the darkness control him. Remember, you had to do the same thing to your first apprentice, Taranae. She turned out to be a very powerful dark-sider.”
“This is true. I guess my patience will be tested, as well as my apprentice’s resolve. Is everything working as planned?” replied Brimstone.
“We are headed to the location of the coordinates you provided. We will be there in three days. With all the micro jumps we have to do to make sure our tracks are covered.”
“I understand the reasoning, brother. It is to make sure the Dark Counsel doesn’t know this location. It is for the life of Plagueis to survive. The least they know, the better for us.”
“So see you in a week as planned?”
“Affirmative. I have already gotten approval for a visit to my home world, Csilla, but it is a cover to hide my tracks too. See you at Craxnor in a week. Brimstone out.”
The hologram disappeared. Brinestone placed his hand on his chin as his brother had done. Craxnor was a wasteland in the outer rims, well out of the grasp of the Brotherhood. He knew in 3 days, he was to be there. Brinestone turned to the view-port and watched as the ship Chromatic, made another jump.
Brinstone walked back to the place where Kadrol was imprisoned. The Chiss walked to the wall and flipped a switch. All of a sudden, the ray shields containing Kadrol lowered. “We will meet your master in approximately three days.” The Chiss went on to fill the apprentice in on his holomeeting with Brimstone. “Until then, you will help me around here and keep quiet. No transmissions!” Brinstone stated firmly. The young Zabrak started to play with his voice modulator. His master had given it to him when they went on their first mission together.
For the next couple of days, he and Brinstone got along fine. Kadrol explained that he wanted a cool helmet more than anything. He had the creativity of a child. The two also played games, such as holochess. Though his master’s brother treated him well, Kadrol missed his master more and more. The only open room in the ship was like a prison cell: cold and hard. It was hard for the Zabrak to sleep, as he had gotten only three hours of it in two days. On the third day they reached the meeting place and his master rose from the darkness of the hills in accordance with the hologram. (Side note: Bible reference)
When Kadrol spotted his master, he ran as fast as he could and hugged the Chiss. He may be a Sith Acolyte, but he still had a soft side. “You are a curious one, young one.” Brimstone stated. He pushed Kadrol away from his embrace, as the Chiss was uncomfortable with unneeded touching. Over the time they had spent together as master and apprentice, Brimstone had noticed that the Zabrak didn’t cry when he was sad, but rather when he was angry. Now was no different. Stroking the middle of Kadrol’s head, Brimstone said, “In time, you will be the greatest Sith I have ever taught.” That’s when Brinstone caught up. The brothers shook hands and Brimstone thanked his brother. Turning towards Kadrol, he said, “We must hurry.” The two walked briskly toward their ship and took off.
NOTE ABOUT YOUR POST
You have it all in one paragraph instead of spacing it out. You need to remember that you are writing for the readers to enjoy. Also, your portrayal of your race and mine are completely wrong. Chiss don’t show affection, especially while in military protocols. Zabraks are not emotional too, especially yours, while yes is only 15 years old, they are honed fighters and warriors. Also, in your wiki you have a wife, so you need to portray yours more mature.
As soon as the two, Master and Apprentice, reboarded the ship, they headed out to the hidden location that Brimstone had chosen. He knew times were tough for the Clan being the Iron Throne was trying to annihilate them by any means necessary. That included capturing or killing off apprentices so they couldn’t resupply their ranks.
Craxnor was a hidden planet, well in the unknown regions of space and well away from the prying eyes and ears of the Iron Throne.Brimstone discovered it years earlier and kept it location secret for his own needs. He knew it would come into play eventually. His brother did well in keeping it hidden from the Ascendancy too. Months earlier, he helped mine out the mountain for a small base, per Brimstone’s wishes. This was to be a secret training ground and if need, a lair to hide weapons and armaments.
Brimstone set the computer’s nav systems for the micro jumps they were going to make. about 15 of them in different locations. Secrecy was at it’s highest level. The ship knew exactly when and where to jump. After setting the ship into its own path, the Chiss got up and went to the back of the ship to talk to his apprentice.
Upon seeing his Master again, Kadrol tried to hug him, but Brimstone wasn’t having none of that and sent a powerful kinetic thrust at the Zabrak. It slammed him hard enough to hurl him against the bulkhead, where he squelched out in pain from where his back and head hit, slumping to the floor.
“Let that be your first lesson on military protocol. You will never hug me again nor will you disrespect the Chiss or the Clan of Plagueis with your childish ways, do you understand?” yelled the Chiss as he grasped Kadrol by an invisible clenched fist around his throat, throwing him into the opposite bulkhead. “Your weakness is a disease, I am its cure” he exclaimed as he lifted his student to the ceiling with a thud, then releasing his kinetic grip, allowing him to land hard on the metal floor.
Blood poured from the Zabrak’s mouth as he coughed. “Master, I don’t understand” he stifled out in hardened breath.
“We are at war. We are the Sith. We do not show emotions. We embrace the Dark Side and command fear as our strength. Fear…Anger…Hatred…These are the tools we use to make ourselves powerful. Without these tools of destruction, we are no better than the Jedi, do you understand?”
Kadrol looked at the Chiss and fear crept into his mind. And all he wanted to do was destroy the Chiss. He knew he had no chance. “Master, I am sorry.”
“Sorry is an excuse. We Sith don’t make excuses. We take action. By the time I am finished with tearing your thoughts, your heart, your soul out, you will understand the meaning to be a Sith. You will never fail in achieving your path. Your enemies will be grounded by the heel of your foot. They will fear being in the same vicinity you walk. They will tremble with fear, and you will feast on those fears. You will drink upon their souls and it will quench your thirst of vengeance. This is the way of the Sith. You will understand it when I am through with you or you will become another empty shell of a being, do I make myself clear?”
Kadrol for once understood. Back on Dathomar, when he was doing his trials to becoming the Nightbrother, he had to overcome fear of backlash from the clan he was in. But now, this fear was more intense. He knew if he was to ever see his wife again, he would have to absorb the forthcoming days and weeks of training and pain. He looked at his Master and understood what he was saying.
“Then Master, why stop there? Destroy me so you can recreate me.”
Brimstone smiled. He knew his apprentice finally understood what was at stake. “Go get yourself taken care of with the portable med kits. We will be arriving in about 10 hours to our destination and then your real training will begin.”
Kadrol stood up and then saluted his Master before walking away with a noticeable limp.
Brimstone went back to the cockpit and started transcribing a message to the clan leaders of Plagueis.
“All is well. Training has begun. He will make a fine addition to our clan I believe…”
As Kadrol left his master’s side, he couldn’t help but think about what Brimstone had said. Without these tools of destruction, we are no better than the Jedi… He couldn’t wrap his mind around it all. They were better because they destroyed things? Why was it so confusing? He was taught that emotion was the way of the Sith. Anger, passion, these things made the Sith special. Now he was being told differently. He had passion, he knew that much. His passion, he thought, was the love for his wife back on Dathomir, love for the Sith, and love For those who help him.
Having finished with the med kit, Kadrol walked back to the front of the ship to his master. His master turned and looked at him, motioning for the Zabrak to take a seat. Thinking it was a good time to release his thoughts, he asked, " What do we mean by PASSION, master?"
The Chiss replied, “It is the fire burning within us to make us do certain things.”
“You mean, like love?” Kadrol asked, genuinely confused.
" No, no," Brimstone countered, not completely sure. 'I guess it’s more like a determination."
“Forgive me, master, for questioning you.” Kadrol said quickly to avoid another quip of rage from his master.
The Chiss swiveled in his chair, clearly not wanting to continue this awful conversation. The rest of the flight to Craxnor was extremely silent, not to mention awkward. The two sentinels had only glanced at the other a few times, and each time, they glanced was simultaneously. Upon landing on the rocky and mountainous planet, Brimstone pointed out a large mountain, appearing to be around 25 kilometers away. The two knew they would never make it by the time night set in, and decided to spend the night in the ship.
That night, as Kadrol slept, he had a dream; a very pleasant dream about his past on Dathomir. It started off simple, his Rite of Passage in his small village, The leaders of the households giving the meaning behind the tattoos he was receiving right before they were burned into his skin. " The head of the entire clan spoke for all to hear, “This tattoo, placed upon both shoulders shall represent the yoke he will carry for us, as well as the promise for his stature.” He witnessed himself wincing and letting out a yelp of agony as the red hot piece of metal wrapped around his head and onto his shoulders. The dream then turned to several hours later, after he witnessed the others go through their passage. He felt pride, being the top of his class, but it was not the only reward. He would soon be receiving his bride, an honor only given to the top two each year. The others would have to wait at least a year, if not more.
His dream continued, flashing forward two years: He and his wife had been married for almost two full years now, and had, along with the help of some of his relatives, built a nice house for his family.The two young Zabraks were eating a mid day meal together, when they heard a loud noise from outside. They rushed outside to meet it, and soon the entire village had gathered around the shuttle. The doors opened and a blue skinned man had stepped out, reading off a sheet of paper to ask for him, Kadrol. He was told he was needed by the Sith, whom everyone on Dathomir knew was the best life, as well as that he would be able to see his family again. And so he gave his final words to his relatives and wife before he boarded the ship that would forever determine his future.
He might’ve dreamt some more if it hadn’t been for his master shaking him awake. “Kadrol! Get up!” The Chiss screamed angrily. The two hurried out to set towards the place Brimstone had mentioned after Kadrol had raced to get ready. It was a lonesome walk, yet a very scenic one. Lots of beautiful mountains dappled by picturesque rivers, streams and lakes. It took Kadrol most of the trek to take it all in.
When they finally reached this place: not quite a cave, but not a house either, they carefully took everything they had packed and set it up.
“Master, why did we have to leave the ship so far away?” The Zabrak inquired, not for the first time.
“Because, we don’t want to take any chances, even if this is an uncharted planet.” Brimstone replied.
“Understood.”
Brimstone then walked over to the only part of the cave-house and revealed Kadrol’s astromech droid. After powering it on, he said to the droid aloud so that Kadrol could also hear, “Go to the ship and get the rest of the stuff, but make sure nobody sees you.”
The droid obeyed and rolled out of the room to follow its new command. As if reading Kadrol’s mind, Brimstone said’ “You may be wondering how long we might be staying here. The truth is that we need to maintain a low profile until this whole thing blows over and it is safe for you, and all other apprentices to return to Aliso and Antei.”
The astromech returned after a mere one rotation with a sled he had made. On top of the sled were many things: rations, a more comfortable bed, and some other necessities. The two Sith would expand their cave-home using their lightsabers, which cut through the stone like butter, until it was an extremely large house with many rooms. When they had carved out enough space to successfully hide the shuttle, they sent the astromech to get it. Brimstone went out exploring that day and when he returned, he shared his discoveries. The Chiss told his apprentice that there was a village with a market with items from all over the galaxy. At last, they had found a way to receive news about the status of Aliso and the rest of the Brotherhood without the risk of their location and or the unauthorized clone of Brimstone.
Notes
Best post so far. just a couple typos and one word that was BOLD when not needed. The dream interesting concept.
Kadrol was sent ahead to the village. It was no Mos Eisley by any means or standards, but it was a small pirated outpost. For him, he was able to blend in cause all sorts of races were there, including other Zabraks. He knew shortly why his master didn’t come with him…not a single Chiss was visible. His Master would stick out. Kadrol proceeded to get different items off a list he was given.
Brimstone meanwhile was working on setting up the VK droids he had in the hidden training grounds. He knew these were the best and top line droids for any Sith to train with. His apprentice was headstrong, but he was close to Knighthood. He figured he would also train his student hard to get him ready for the return to the Brotherhood. With the war with Iron Throne, he had to make sure his apprentice was ready.
But one thing concerned him. He was always thinking of his home. Of his mate. Brimstone knew family was important, but for a Sith, it was the possible hinderance to show the true power that his apprentice could achieve. He tried reading his mind as he slept, to get a feel of who this mate was. It was his way of getting him to get others to achieve greatness. Brimstone remembered when he had his first apprentice convinced into killing her family, even though quite the contrary, saved them. Taranae Rhode never forgave him for the deception. But when he watched this Zabrak, he saw that he was really stern in hiding his family.
Dathomar was a large planet with thousands of witch tribes. To scour each one of them to find his apprentice’s mate was too time consuming. Even Brimstone’s brother was unable to find her. the tribes where very seclusive in their family and their protection. That’s why Brimstone kept trying to probe his apprentice’s mind while he slept. But each time he thought he was close to finding the secrets, his invasion would disrupt the dreams and nearly alert him of the danger. His student was strong minded. But to break hi hesitancy, he had to break his will.
Kadrol kept to himself while shopping. All of a sudden, a felt of fear and urgency was overwhelming him. “Master?” he thought. He paid off the rest of the items and headed back to the hoversled to head back to the hidden location. Placing his items into the rear, he hopped into the driver’s seat and hit the throtle hard.
The trooper was watching through his microbinocs, focused on the Zabrac. He had 3 Inquisitors standing and watching with him.
“Was that the Plagueian?” spoke one of them.
“It certainly looks like him. Same tattoos and markings. Time to alert the Council that we have acquired our target,”
“Then we can finally kill off that Chiss. He’s been a thorn in the Di Plagia’s sides for way too long.”
“Understood.”