A read-only archive of discourse.darkjedibrotherhood.com as of Sunday May 01, 2022.

The Awakening - Scholae Palatinae run-on training


The Awakening

This is a training run-on for Clan Scholae Palatinae. This will last for the entire month of February. Additional writing challenges will be announced mid-way through the run-on. Level of cooperation with fellow clanmates in the run-on will also be taken into consideration. This includes, but is not limited to, keeping a flow of continuity with the story, including other members in your own posts, not derailing the story for your own story. I will be providing detailed feedback throughout the run-on. This google doc can be used to plan ideas and have your posts proof-read


  • Minimum post length of 250 words
  • Maximum post length of 1000 words
  • Minimum of 2 posts required for participation qualification
  • No posting twice in a row, one other member must post before you can again
  • Posts should be only continuation of the story, no OOC posts, save for posts from the event runner.
  • Posts may be edited by the poster only, and no edits on a post will be allowed once the next post is made in the thread.

Helpful Hints:

  • Check out other people’s character sheets to help write them in your posts
  • Remember Star Wars Realism Counts. No out of universe swearing!
  • It always helps to have at least one other person proofread before posting
  • Reserving posts helps prevent people from posting before you get yours in. Reservations will be deleted after approximately 12 hours

Opening Post by Cyris Oscura and Elincia Rei

Vicious winds lashed violently through twisted trees. Hurricanes of dust and debris scarred the wastes. The dust storm left a trail of devastation in its wake. This world was as brutal as it was terrifying. Its broken landscape was an amalgamation of merciless, craggy wastelands and festering bogs and swamps. Natural vents pumped the sickening smell of sulphur into the air. Life on Vanir II-what little of it existed-had evolved to last. This was a world where only the strongest survived. It was as if the moon itself had long embraced the Sith Code.

Darkness cast by the gas giant Oedin Prime shrouded Vanir II in perpetual night; a night as ominous as the Dark Side’s insidious influence upon this world. Only once a year did light touch the surface of Vanir II, a fatal, scorching discharge that lasted mere seconds. The Dark Side of the Force had long devoured this world from the very earth to its putrid atmosphere. This corruption attacked the mind of even those most resilient with the same reckless abandon that the apocalyptic dust storms battered the lands. This was a world of madness.

On Vanir II, a shadow lingered… forever starved for power.

The Renown, a Cruiser of Scholae Palatinae, orbited Vanir II, with a curious crew onboard. The remote star system had not been scouted in over two decades until a recent Scholae scouting party was dispatched to it. The routine recon mission ended in disaster when communications were lost with the party. Before the transmission was cut, the scouts had reported encountering frightening visions, devastating, unnatural storms and a faint beacon signal. The news sparked a surge of interest in Vanir II amongst the Dark Jedi of the clan.

Emperor Xen’Mordin the Manipulative himself had sanctioned the expedition, transferring captaincy of the Renown to the Dark Jedi on board. Audacious Force users from both arms of the Empire, alongside the bravest of mercenaries and military men, had assembled for this mission. They would face the unknown united as one.

There was a crackle in the Renown’s communications system and the voice of Dr. Elincia Rei, clear and even toned, sounded across the ship. Transmitting from Judecca, clearly breaking from her responsibilities as the new system moff to take on a more familiar role as support scientist, she gave a quick, effective briefing.

“Early estimates show optimal time to land is in 40 minutes. Light levels will be similar to Judecca’s dusk for 15 minutes, to be followed by several days of night. Data is insufficient to perform reliable weather predictions on Vanis II, but we expect a dust storm of 200 kilometres per hour winds in four hours. The last scouting team detected a faint beacon signal. Estimated location has been forwarded to your datapads.”


Alara Deathbane tightened the cloak around her neck and readied herself for the expedition. This was her first real mission, and her master expected to hear outstanding reports. She opened her datapad and overlooked their destination.

“What kind of wildlife can we expect here, Doctor?” Alara inquired.

“To be frank,” Elincia Rei replied, “We aren’t quite sure. Be prepared for anything, Acolyte.”

“Understood!” Alara saluted.

The next few moments were spent gathering up supplies for the mission. Each member of the squad was given a backpack of revisions containing a day’s worth of food, water, a blanket, a lighter, a rope, and some extra ammunition. Once everyone put on their backpacks, the room grew quiet. No one knew what was awaiting them on this desolate moon. Alara resorted to strategizing by overlooking the datapad that was given to her. The minutes seemed to be flying too quickly. As The Renown grew closer in orbit to the planet, an announcement went over the intercom beckoning people to the shuttle crafts. Many whispers fell upon the crew, but the half Sephi stayed focused. She was not about to allow this darkness to stop her from keeping focus. The group moved through a narrow corridor and branched off into different sections. Alara kept to her right, and entered the shuttle. As more people poured in, gasps filled the ship. Below them, the moon’s atmosphere swirled with clouds of fog and storm. The windows seemed to grow darker and darker black while they descended upon the moon’s surface. The shuttles’ landing echoed loudly in the dense air.

“Let’s get going, brothers and sisters! Use whatever precautions necessary. We do not know what is awaiting us out there,” the Moff called out over the com, “Stay in a group, and do not leave anyone behind.”

Doors of each shuttle crafts slid open. Stenches of sulfur and dampness filled Alara’s nostrils.The squad lined up in two-by-two formation, and began marching down the platform. The ground seemed to melt at every step taken upon its surface.


Blade Ta’var sat at the back of shuttle, carefully watching the faces, posture, and actions of her fellows onboard. There was a wide variety of reactions taking place as everyone read their datapad’s, the silence cutting through the tension. Some visibly fidgeted, while others calmly checked their gear. Everyone else fell somewhere in between, and Blade’s thoughts were inward, a swirl of thoughts that pertained to the mission ahead. She had formulated her own plans for this expedition, and obsessively double-checked her preparations. She hadn’t paid much attention to her trip down to the surface, but didn’t have long to regret it as the shuttle thudded down onto the hard surface of the moon. The shuttle’s doors opened up, and everyone stood up to head out into the darkness.

Blade watched as the group filed out of the shuttle, many of them marching in military precision. She was no military officer, never cared for that sort of life, and therefore would move at her own pace to the tune of her own plan. This suited her lifestyle, which often led her to take roles as a spy, assassin, and at times part of a small group of warriors. She put on her headlamp, turned it on, and walked down the ramp into the windy darkness. Her group had already made a huddle, and they had started to organize themselves into group roles. Brushing the aside, she pulled out her datapad, and plotted a course to the beacon, choosing a route that quickly got her off this planet as soon as possible. She was excited to find out more about this beacon, but really didn’t like the aspect of being caught in a dust storm.

“See everyone later, “ Blade alerted the group, wondering if anyone would seize the chance for a smaller group.

Blade started walking to the east, keeping an eye out for any reason to draw her katana. How was anyone going to find anything walking in a stampede of flesh?


Blade didn’t make it far before she heard a voice call out from behind her. “Wait up!” She turned to see a young Kaleesh approaching her, his yellow eyes glowing slightly in the dark.

“We shouldn’t go out alone; we have no idea what happened to the recon team.” He said once he’d caught up. His voice was calm but she could feel his tenseness.

“I can take care of myself, besides what would we accomplish by moving as one big group? We should split up and cover as much ground as possible.” Blade replied, not bothering to slow down for the conversation.

“I agree, but heading out into territory we know nothing about without any backup is foolish, I doubt even Master Xen would go out alone.” He chided, inwardly enjoying being the teacher in the situation rather than the student for once. “I’m not saying wait for the others, but at least let me accompany you.” He finished, his eyes drawn to the soft pink features of her face and piercing blue eyes. Blade smiled inwardly and simply nodded in response, indicating to the Kaleesh that he was welcome to join her. She took a moment to size up her new partner and quickly noticed something odd.

“Where’s your headlamp?” She enquired although she was fairly sure she knew the answer.

“Kaleesh can see in the dark almost as well as in daylight, if nothing else it should prove useful on this planet.” The Kaleesh replied. “By the way, I’m Arthadonis.” He added, extending his hand. Blade stopped and smiled slightly at the formality of the gesture. She extended her hand into his and the pair shook them slightly.

“Blade Ta’var, but call me Blade.”


Most people had already left the shuttle when Jorm roused in the most comfortable corner. He unplugged his headphones, yawned, and stretched a bit before he grabbed his field pack and set foot onto Vanir II. The rough, craggy landscape reminded him of the foothills on Nar Kreeta, and he could smell the bogs and swamps even though he could not see them in the low twilight.
Maybe I can sell this world to a Hutt. Gotta ask Xen if he still needs it.
His perpetual smile deepened at the thought.
Nah. I’ll just offer him a share when I’m done.

As he circled around the shuttle, Jorm briefly considered the Palatinaeans he had accompanied on the journey. Most were from his own House, none had earned their own lightsabers yet.
Either this job is a total blue milk run, or there’s some heavy hitters sitting around as backup. And I haven’t read the memo.
He found a crewmember already working on the freight compartment and extracting Jorm’s luggage: A modern, military-grade, imperial speeder bike, in a brown and green camouflage paintjob.
I have no idea why anybody would want to go searching on foot, even here. Seriously, When a storm hits in anger, it’s no difference.
“Catch”, he told the crewman, and threw him a five-credit-coin. The perplexed man caught it, realized he had been tipped, and suffered from conflicting reactions until he gave his best parade ground salute and returned to his duties in the shuttle.

Jorm booted up the bike and secured his luggage to the frame behind the seat; mostly tools and camping equipment, but also a ridiculously high-powered hunting rifle with a strong scope in a saddle holster. The cartridges for that monster were plenty, each as thick as his thumb, and twice as long.
A quick check-up confirmed the rest of his armament on his body: Handgun in a thigh holster, vibroblade, ammunition and lightsaber on the belt under his thick leather jacket. Half a dozen code-secured and adjustable explosives, Stormtrooper issue, lined most of his pockets, with more in his backpack.

First Aid kit and emergency rations with extra sugar… check, he thought and patted the corresponding pocket on his left upper thigh, before he reached into his freshly filled saddlebags and produced a modern and compact set of night vision goggles. They were not much bigger than eye protection glasses, and thus promptly donned and adjusted.

The Kiffar regarded his companions again from the seat of his humming, warming speeder bike. For now, there was Alara, this blonde student of Shadow Nighthunter whom his fellow Equite was so protective of in conversation, going out with a small squad of soldiers. Then the blue-haired Zeltron girl going by Blade, intent to live up to the name if one considered her visible weapons. And that Kaleesh from House Imperium which looked on a good day like Jorm felt after a particulary bad night, teaming up with Blade.
Jorm shrugged and plugged in his comm headset.
"If anybody needs me, I’ll be a few miles ahead, making a target of myself. Mee jewz ju!"
And with this huttese goodbye on his lips, he kicked the bike into gear and shot ahead, following the lost party’s last reports.


As soon as she heard the bike speed off, she knew it was safe to come out of hiding. Her master had told her quite literally to be stealthy about coming along, if she was going to. “Just for giggles,” he had said. And so she had stowed away…

Pushing aside some of the boxes and bags that served as her hiding spot, she crawled out the tight space and grabbed her rifle from her other hiding spot, along with a pair of boots. Glancing out the shuttle she saw that most of the people had already gathered in groups.

She spotted Alara, one of the other Acolytes, and saw Blade walking off alone before being caught up to by another person she didn’t know. Alara was still with the bigger part of the group and decided that it might be fun to work together. Putting on her boots and getting a feel for them, she got off the shuttle and snuck up behind Alara. Zehsaa made sure her Force signature didn’t immediately gave her away.

“What’s up,” she spoke cheerfully behind Alara, who startled at her voice.

“Zehsaa? What are you doing here?” Alara said as she turned to face her.

The Togruta smiled, “I couldn’t let you have all the fun… Even though it smells like a rotten party here.”

Looking around Alara spoke again, “Aren’t you going to join Jorm? I thought I heard him a moment ago.”

Zehsaa looked off to the distance towards the sound of the leaving speeder, “I might catch up with him later, but I want to work together with others as well.”


While the sandy and course winds swept through the trenched swamp lands with a virulent rage, slowly but steadily the group of young and intrepid explorers fanned out. In search of their objective beacon, their instincts began to take over in the harsh reality, while some of the more experienced members decided to act irrationally. Rolling and crackling high above in the skies, a foreboding storm creeped across the yellow tint left by the setting sun and cascaded the swamp into darkness. The only source of light this team of intrepid explorers had, were the headlamps assigned to them, their illuminating and stupidly revealing datapads and that powerful lightning descending from above. It’s electric flashes of blue ignited the clouds in a brilliant light-show that demanded the group’s attention with a crackling roar of thunder. Uncertainty truly rotted on this planet, but Lexiconus Qor knew one thing was for certain.

“This isn’t some practice drill, something is here.” The Quarren said in his mother-tongue, as he silently perched on a cliff far from the group’s range of sight. With a pair of night-vision goggles attached to his eyes, Qor watched his curious yet determined apprentice march her way through the trenches with her Kaleesh companion. It was undetermined as to whether these would make a good pairing, but time would tell for the Quarren. Time was certainly telling its story as he seemed to have lost track of it, by examining chronometer Qor saw he was not on schedule. The Quarren leapt from his perching cliff and through the skies like a soaring Aiwha from Kamino, with his wings stretched wide. He glided for several seconds as his cape helped stream and control the air to a narrow river in the swamp. With a flick of his wrists, Qor released his cape and dived into the muddy waters of the river with a rather large splash, diving deep into the tree’s roots in order to easily hide and navigate his way towards the beacon.

Not far from him, Blade and Arthadonis were oblivious to anything but their tunnel vision of the trench towards a large mountainous area. Their rapid progress was down to the Zeltron being so adamant at delivering success in her objective. She wanted nothing more than to perform at the highest standards possible, although the constant build up of fleshy organisms under her feet were a burden to her boots. A soft smirk grew on her face as she plotting pranks on the Kaleesh. With a swift kick of her leg, she flicked a half-pound of fleshy substances which hurled and wobbled into the air. The squelching mess of soaking moss and alien refuse slapped against Arthadonis’ mask which caught him by surprise. Scratching and tugging at the wet mess on his face, the Kaleesh wormed around and tripped into the swamp mud, covering his body with further distasteful litter. The Zeltron chuckled out loudly and helped the Kaleesh up to his feet by grabbing his clawed hand and yanking. Some of the mess coated Blade too, but she wasn’t too worried.

“Welcome to Vanir II, Arthadonis. Let’s quicken the pace now that you two have met.” Blade jokingly said, the Kaleesh just gave off a surrendering smile and silently followed her into a brisk walk.

Further ahead in the muddy river, Qor slowly clasped and clambered through the tree roots that weaved through the currents of the river, his mind going over the directions of the beacon. This was until he heard the ascending sound of white water gushing and splashing ahead of him, which forced him to emerge. A small waterfall, about two feet in height, led into a rotting pool that was littered with vast spectrums of green and red. Bubbles and farts of various sizes and sounds vomited and exfoliated gases around the current flow, while large dunes of sand sat near the edges of the pool. Qor monitored the activity in the pool for a second, in order to assess the risks.

“Those bubbles must be the consequence of sulphurous gases from the caverns below. If I get closer, I may burn my lungs out, or collapse in the water. I must travel on foot for now.” The Quarren agreed to himself as he slowly rose on the eastern side of the pool. His heading still east towards the mountain ranges, Qor activated his tracking device on his wrist to update his location and continued forward.


Quick note: I have added important information about Vanir II to the run-on google doc linked in the main post

It watched as a progression of Lambda shuttles broke atmosphere. The spaceships shimmered as they reflected the sickly green light of the gas giant Oedin Prime in the heavens above. As they shot overhead, the Shadow stood unmoving, its eye locked upon the new arrivals. Eons had passed since it had last witnessed a spaceship. There had been a time when it would have been elated at the thought of leaving this moon. At the time, the Shadow would have chased after the shuttles, howling and careening over the landscape, driven by sheer desperation. No longer was that the case. The Shadow, a creature born of the Dark Side, was content to observe as the progression began its descent. Their long wings folded upwards in a slow, deliberate arc as they lost altitude. Thrusters hissed to life, stabilizing the shuttles for touchdown. One by one they disappeared beyond the ridges on the horizon.

Three days had passed since the Shadow had been warned of their coming. The Force, in its eternal clairvoyance, had gifted the creature with a vision. The sight had been clouded and imprecise but the Shadow witnessed vile creatures descending upon the uninhabited moon. And though it could not be certain of their actions or their cause, it had sensed that they presented a grave danger for this world. And so the creature awoke from its slumber. After viewing the shuttles and the dragon-flanked insignia etched across their hulls, the Shadow assumed the nature of this threat. It knew all too well just what needed to be done.

Since the vision, it had maintained concentration, calling upon the Dark Side to mask its very presence in the Force. Now seeing the emblems of Clan Scholae Palatinae of the Dark Brotherhood revealed it had been a wise decision. They would not sense its presence. They would not know it existed. Not until he so willed it.

“And so they come, as you have foreseen,” announced the voice of the Apprentice at his side. A smile settled upon her black-painted lips as her eyes turned to the halo of light shining over the distant ridges where the shuttles had landed. She looked to her master, the smile ever-present, “What is your wish, my lord?”

The creature turned its disfigured face to the hooded woman. It breathed deeply as it pondered the situation, its breath ragged through its thick greying beard. It had meant to quell this threat swiftly. Yet, the coming of the Dark Brotherhood after all these long years, intrigued it. What did they seek? What did they think to find here?

A lone speeder bike shot out across the terrain in the far distance, kicking up clouds of dust in its wake. A winged creature was glimpsed taking to the skies elsewhere as it veered for the marshlands northward. Some time after, specks of light lined the ridges: the main group.

“For now, we watch,” it said in a strained, rugged voice.


Delak stood at the mouth of the shuttle’s boarding ramp and gazed in wonder as the sun set over the horizon. The planet seemed to go as cold as an iceberg as the sun disappeared from view. He could sense the Dark Side was very strong in this place. The stench was the worst part. It smelled worse than a Rancor after it had killed a beast and left the corpse to rot in the sun. Xen had mentioned the planet in passing before, however Delak never imagined it would be this bad. He didnt have any details on the planet until he actually arrived here. He watched as the troopers filed in order out into a holding area awaiting his commands. These were some of his best recon troops from the Indomitable on loan for this mission. If they couldn’t find something interesting on this planet then no one would.

Delak walked towards the troops and saw several younger Scholae’ members walking out on their own including Arthadonis from his house. “I wonder where they are going?” He thought to himself as he caught up with his troopers. Zagro was already in position and waved to Delak to come closer.

“Zagro, how are the preparations going?” Delak asked.

“They seem to be mounting well Delak. We will be heading out shortly. We are still waiting for several members to get their gear ready so that we can move out.” Zagro finished.

Delak turned and faced the troops and stared at them rallying himself through the force for whatever was going to come his way.


Alara turned to her Togruta friend with a smile, and bowed in an attempt of humor, “consider me your partner for the job then.”

Zehsaa smiled, and observed the scenery that surrounded them, “Do you think we are in any sort of trouble here?”

Alara frowned, looking around as well, “I don’t know. It sure seems rather cryptic, doesn’t it? It’s best we stick together, as the others have. I have a feeling that even the biggest of groups will end up separated here…”

“I believe you’re right,” the Acolyte agreed, “I’m glad to have made company with you.”

“Aye,” Alara nodded, " Me too. Let’s get going then."

The two began to follow the path with the others marching ahead. With every step they took, the more their environment seemed to darken in fog and cloud. The fog began to hang so heavy upon the caravan that Zehsaa and Alara soon lost sight of the others, and ended up following a separate path.

“I don’t think we are going in the right direction, Alara,” Zehsaa spoke skeptically.

“I believe you’re right, Acolyte,” Alara sighed. She looked down at her wrist-chrono. The imagery within its screen flickered rapidly in grey. “Only way to go now is forward.”

They kept moving along the eery path before them. The forest trees groaned around them as if they were in suffering from the environment around them.

“This place…. It doesn’t feel right. How could the plants grow in such a foul ecosystem? Everything here seems so dead, or dying. Yet these trees still stand,” Zehsaa pointed out, her eyebrows furrowed with every glance she took.

“It’s definitely odd. And unexplainable. I sense a Dark Force here. Whatever it is, it isn’t natural,” Alara stated. With a pause, her hand instinctively went to her lightsaber strapped to her belt. “I have a feeling that we are not alone.”


Blade continued her brisk walk toward their target, a bleak but majestic mountainous view surrounded by sickly green hues. She didn’t want to think of the horrible stench or the dust storms, so her strategy was to get to the rendezvous point as soon as possible. Unfortunately, she would need better eyesight if they were going to get anywhere soon.

“Arth, lead the way will you? You have such excellent night vision. I’ll watch your back,” she promised.

“I do have the advantage when it comes to sight, and that sounds a lot safer,” agreed the Kaleesh as he took point position.

Blade walked behind Arth almost step for step, mind focused for any nearby threat that may or may not surprise them. The Dark Side was strong on this planet, its pervasiveness palpable as she keep her mind open to her immediate surroundings. She found it made her uneasy and was glad she had company. Arth was a new acquaintance, but his skills were coming in very handy at the moment. He expertly weaved a path past many objects she would have tripped over, and often stopped in his tracks in order to probe the surrounding environment with the Force.

She felt it too, an odd sensation or two. The first felt similar, there was no mistake that her master was following the pair some distance off to the East. The second made you feel a tinge of fear or was it nerves? It was certainly a manifestation of the Dark Side.

“You feel that Arth?” Blade inquired.

“Yes, its everywhere but somehow it still feels like we are being followed,” Arth frowned in concentration.

“Then how about we get the job done and get out of here. We are wasting daylight,” Blade joked.

“Jokes at a time like this,” Arth muttered as he shook his head in slight amusement.

Arth took the lead again, picking up his pace. It was dull work but Arth and Blade simply put one foot in front of the other. It was sometime before anything of interest was discovered, but as they neared the estimated location of the lost scouting team several semi-blown away mounds of dirt revealed themselves. They both stopped in their tracks to examine the phenomenon, which was odd since there was supposed to be no life on this planet.

Four semi-desecrated mounds of rough dirt were laid in a parallel line in front of them, each mound’s head adorned with a piece of what looked like ship metal stuck deep into the ground. Their were no intelligible engravings on the metal that Blade could see this far away, at least not without a better light, but Arth looked worried as he scanned the makeshift tombstones. Blade was about to investigate further with her headlamp, but Arth grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him.

“Blade, we need to leave. There is something far more sinister going on here,” warned Arth.

“What do they say?” Blade asked seriously, wondering who could have taken the time to make several burials.


Resolute on continuing through the barren lands, Lexiconus Qor had trodden through the coarse sands while his temper started to flare. He couldn’t place it, but the Dark Side which fuelled his emotions was ignited with a great wave of anger and despair. The feeling felt more historical, linked to the land rather than a person. And it seemed to come from the mountain pass ahead, where Qor could see a bright pink female and a Kaleesh marching through. The sandy dunes began to ascend slowly and mold into rocks, jagged and fragile to the touch. A deep pit of slate and dust formed at the foot at the nearby mountain which prevented the Quarren from travelling further. But to the western edge of the mountain was where the pit looked most shallow, as slate pieces rolled and dropped away from a raised path. Qor wasn’t going to climb that slope easily without some rope or grapple hooks, which he couldn’t afford to bring.

“Hmm, maybe there are some root plants underneath. But no, the Dark Side forbids all life to live here,” his eyes wandered to the closed path, as his nightvision goggles zoomed in. “Except for those trees. Why trees?” The thought of hibernating life growing here boggled the Quarren’s mind to his limits. Maybe there was a seasonal period here, maybe this valley was a river for the trees to enjoy someday, or maybe a gardener feeds them with hydroponics. His mind ran across of theories from Dark Side flora, to nanobots replicating the tree itself. Qor decided to push his eccentric theories aside, as he needed to climb his slope and gain the higher ground.

The Quarren carefully slid into the trench on his rear while using his hands to steer, with slate pieces rolling and breaking at his touch. It seemed obvious this place had not seen water nor sunshine for a very long time. So he questioned himself about why the trees still stood healthy and strong. Landed with a hefty plunge at the pit of the trench, the Quarren patted his robe clean from dust and attempted to find nooks for his fingers. The jagged face crumbled and fell apart at his touch until his finally hooked onto stronger stone and yanked himself upwards. The climb was frightening for him, with his hook of his hand the slate crumbled away and threw his grip like trash. He knew these mountains were going to test him, so he wanted to treat them with respect at first. It wasn’t unknown for the land to curse Force Sensitive users before. His fingers began to crispen and cut open, with Quarren blood staining the stone as the dust dried his aquatic hands. They were not meant for climbing, he wanted to be in the sea swimming with the schools and hunting for pleasure. But orders were orders and he had a duty to the Emperor first and foremost, Qor tugged his body higher up the steep mountain.

The Battlemaster wrapped his crusty fingers around the lip of a pathway high above his reach, his fingers staining the lip red. With a strong tug as he wheezed for air, Qor made it onto the path while struggling to catch his breath. Forcing himself to stand, the Quarren wiped the sand from his lips and pushed himself forward on the path, as his night vision picked up Blade and Arthadonis halted. Their eye sight locked onto four parallel dirt mounds, which seemed ceremonial at first but Qor’s senses flickered in warning. His heart raced as his mind pulsed with foreboding images and warning echoes from unknown voices. His mind invaded by spirits long forgotten, shouting and groaning their stories deep into his mind. The Quarren buckled at the knees and collapsed as the voices got louder and more detailed, their entire lives unfolding into his conscience. Qor tried to resist the best he could, but their burdens weighed him down and forced him onto the floor, their voices getting louder.

“Danger! Danger! Retreat now! While you still live! Beware! Beware! Do not go that way! The curse! The cursed!.” Groans and screams of the ghouls poured into his ears, sending Qor into a spiral of madness. “Stop it! Get out of me!” He shouted out, which caused Blade and Arthadonis to quickly look up. They gasped and stepped back as they saw a sickly green mist twirl and wrap around the Quarren, invading his body. Then suddenly one ball of mist rose above the trio and the glided above the dirt mounds, while the voices were interrupted and silence fell.

“He is here.” A whisper called to the trio. The torches were shut off and the goggles were destroyed. Darkness fell, then the groaning rose again.


Hi all. As this run-on has clearly died, we’re pulling it now. Perhaps the choice of topic and open ended nature was not optimal, and we will revise our strategy for run-on hosting and try again later. Below is my feedback on each post. Alara 2 corresponds to Alara’s second post, etc.

Alara: Great opening post. Did a good job of setting the scene and keeping the people available quite vague. The opening post is always difficult as you have nothing to go on but you did a good job.

Blade: The post is well written, and although not a lot happens, that’s to be expected in this phase of the run-on. I’m not really sure how Blade can ‘formulate her own plan’ when we have no idea what the hell’s going on on the planet.

Arthadonis: This is a nice follow-up to Blade’s. If everyone goes out on their own, the run-on becomes very fragmented and just becomes a load of individual stories. Pairing Arthadonis up with Blade helps the flow of the story and is good continuity. He’s also right about going out with no backup being foolish :stuck_out_tongue:

Jorm: The post is well written as usual, but running off on your own doesn’t help the story cohesion. It’s very difficult for anyone else to naturally follow on from this post. Continuity isn’t only about following on from the previous post, it’s also about making sure others can build on it in the future. Mention of the other characters is nice, but here it feels sort of like an afterthought before you rush off on your own

Zehsaa: Nice way to introduce yourself and also involve Alara, who hasn’t had anyone link up with her at this time. Establishing friendship dynamics between Zehsaa and Alara is also a nice tough. At this point in the run-on though, things are going a little bit slowly, and it would be good to make some more definite steps to take the story forward at this stage.

Lexiconus: Very similar to Zehsaa, this was a good introduction that links in with the actions of the other characters in an active way. Why are fleshy organisms building up under her feet? The planet is established as having very little life on it. Blade jokingly says to quicken the pace in your post. It would be good if the pace could have been quicked in your post. It ends that you are continuing forward. They were continuing forward before. It’s a nice post, quality of writing was great, but nothing really happens.

Delak: You mention Zagro in your post. Zagro hasn’t posted or been established to be there yet. I actually like this. There’s no reason why we can’t include characters of people who are not partcipating for whatever reason. However, Alara and Zehsaa are also at the landing zone. Some acknowledgement that Zagro + Delak + Zehsaa + Alara are all in the same place would be nice for building that arc of the story as a 3 (or 4). But why are we still checking on how the preparations are going this far in?

Alara 2: Again with Delak’s post, Delak and Zagro were also at the landing zone. All four characters could be tied in to one story arc very nicely by including them tagging along with you and Zehsaa. I like the continuation of the dialogue, it’s important to build a good story, but I think at this point, with how slowly the run-on is progressing (probably partly my fault) longer posts with more going on are more useful to the story development. With a longer post, you can keep all the dialogue and still accomplish more with your post.

Blade 2: I like the acknowledgement that Arthadonis’ night vision will benefit the group. I like Blade’s dialogue in this post, and the urgency of the daylight being wasted. It’s also the first post that actually acknowledges the setting of the sun established in the opening post. The end of the post seems to be leading towards some sort of danger, which is also great considering no-one has actually encountered any dangerous situations at all on this planet that was written as a murderous death trap. This post is what I meant with Alara’s feedback, it’s dialogue heavy, but being just a little bit longer, stuff actually happens too.

Lexiconus 2: It might have made a better coherent story of Lex stayed with Blade and Arth, as it ended up difficult to know where the other two were in relation to you throughout the majority of your post. Great ending to this post though, and leaves the other members of your group with a great opening point for the next one.

Thanks a lot to those of you who participated!